The Displaced Kentuckian

CAN'T BE UNSEEN: Face Cakes

2012-02-04T14:03:00.002-05:00

I was doing a quick google search for face cakes for my new Hotness profile, and I stumbled onto this artist's webpage. The idea is brilliant, albeit gruesome. I'm sure this will be revisiting me in my nightmares. Enjoy.

More information on the artist and their creations can be found at this link here.

Greg Schiano - Once and Forever a Goon

2012-01-30T13:15:00.002-05:00

I always thought Greg Schiano was a goon. Yes, he was a successful goon for a handful of years at Rutgers, and I believe he'll give Tampa Bay a decent handful of seasons as their new coach. At Rutgers, he had moderate success with a limited pool of talent as Rutgers (New Jersey's State University) is not typically among the top 5 schools listed by the state's top talent. He did ok with very little. But he always appeared like a goon. And I'll never forgive Rutgers football program for beating Louisville in 2006, ruining an otherwise perfect season.

Goon

I suspect that there is a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff going on. Schiano has been a target for a lot of college football programs for the past 4-5 years. His name has come up for Miami and Penn State among others. I would not be surprised at all if his stint in Tampa Bay is a temporary layover before he returns to the collegiate level albeit at another, more noteworthy program. If PSU's new coach fails to live up to expectations (and who wouldn't fail to fill the shoes left by Paterno?) I don't believe it will take long before Schiano is tapped to take over that program. And a very conspiratorial, subversive side of me suspects that Schiano's move was just to assuage hurt feelings from Rutgers before he returns to another college program.

*ahem*PennState*cough*

Please Ask Your Mom To Stop Calling Me

2012-01-29T18:30:00.002-05:00

I Blew My Nose and New Music Came Out in the Kleenex

2012-01-29T18:30:00.001-05:00

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://giraffage.bandcamp.com/track/eschaton"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Eschaton by Giraffage&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

The Cave (Mumford & Sons Cover) - Alex Winston

Chad Valley - Shell Suite from Cascine on Vimeo.

Germany Germany - Natural from Germany Germany on Vimeo.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://glowbug.bandcamp.com/track/the-shows"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;The Shows by Glowbug&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://littlebrothers.bandcamp.com/track/old-shows"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;old shows by little brothers&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://tommytoussaint.bandcamp.com/track/only-want-you"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Only Want You by Tommy Toussaint&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

MINDSCAPE

Interesting Article on College Football and How the BCS is f^$*ing Everything Up

2012-01-23T23:30:00.004-05:00

Slipping bowl attendance has BCS scrambling for reasons, fixes

First of two-part story

Since the Bowl Championship Series added a fifth BCS bowl game -- the BCS national title game -- after the 2006 regular season, attendance at the BCS bowl games has been on a steady decline.

In 2005, the last season before the addition of that title game, the Fiesta, Orange, Rose and Sugar bowls had a total announced attendance of 319,936, averaging 79,984 per bowl. This past season the announced attendance for those four bowls had dropped to 293,247; an average of 73,311 per bowl.

While there was a slight increase in 2010, this year's attendance numbers were 8 percent lower than the 2005 figures.

BCS Bowl Attendance
Year	Attendance
2005	319,936
2006	319,822
2007	312,433
2008	310,814
2009	298,528
2010	300,682
2011	293,247
Note: Figures do not include BCS championship games. Numbers are since 2005, the first year the BCS added a fifth game.

There is not one simple reason for the decline, which can be attributed to a variety of factors. Bowl officials mention the state of the economy as one reason, while others point to the exorbitant cost of tickets along with bad matchups requiring fans to fly cross-country for a midweek game played after New Year's Day.

Of the four BCS bowls, the Rose Bowl is the only event for which attendance numbers remain steady, in large part because it has featured its traditional Big Ten-Pac 12 matchup in five of the past six years.

The other three BCS bowls, however, have seen drastic decreases in attendance. The Orange Bowl's attendance numbers have slipped five of the past six seasons, while the Sugar Bowl's has decreased in four of the past six years.

"I will say that bowl attendance is still strong," BCS executive director Bill Hancock said. "Bowl games are immensely popular."

Hancock added that the 2005 regular season -- the final one before the fifth BCS bowl was added -- featured "some of the greatest matchups in bowl-game history" and that was another factor for the BCS bowls' decline in attendance since that season.

Overall, attendance at the 35 bowl games this past season was down about 2.5 percent from last season. Still, the most notable decline in attendance has been at the BCS bowls, specifically the Orange Bowl.

For the 10 years prior to the 2009 season, the Orange Bowl never drew less than 70,000 for each game. Yet in the past three years, the Orange Bowl has had an average announced attendance of 66,382 with the actual attendance much lower.

In the six years since the BCS title game was added, the Orange Bowl has had a 9.7 percent decrease in attendance compared with the 2005 season, the largest dropoff of the BCS bowls. The biggest reason may have been that in each of those six seasons, the Orange Bowl had the ACC champion paired against the Big East champion three times and an at-large team from the Big 12, Big Ten and Pac-12 one time each.

In that time frame, the Sugar Bowl had a 4.27 percent decrease in attendance and the 2012 Sugar Bowl between Michigan and Virginia Tech drew the bowl's second-lowest crowd since 1943. Since 2005, the Fiesta Bowl also has had a 3.65 percent decrease in attendance.

Compounding matters for the BCS bowls is that not only are fewer fans attending their bowls, but TV ratings also are on the decline.

The 2011-12 bowl season averaged 5.2 million viewers for 34 telecasts on ABC, CBS, ESPN, ESPN2 and Fox, down 15 percent from the 6.1 million viewers last year, Sports Business Journal reported.

"The ratings clock starts clicking down the more you get away from the Rose Bowl," a bowl source said. "You lose the buzz of a bowl game the further you get away from New Year's Day unless you have some spectacular matchup."

And, unlike Teri Hatcher's character on Seinfeld, this year's bowl lineup certainly was not spectacular.

The BCS bowls aren't the only bowls seeing a drop in attendance.

The Outback Bowl gets to choose from the nation's most rabid fan bases -- the SEC and Big Ten. Yet attendance at the Outback Bowl has declined in five of the past six seasons, dropping from 65,881 for the 2006 game steadily to 49,429 this past season. It always wasn't this way for the Tampa, Fla., bowl. Between 2000 and 2005, the Outback Bowl topped 65,000 in five of six seasons. This year's game failed to top 50,000 for the second time in three seasons and the actual attendance was only 40,002, meaning nearly 20 percent fewer fans were in the stadium than the number that was announced.

While the majority of bowls are experiencing dwindling attendance or rollercoaster-type numbers -- up one year, down the next -- the Champs and Insight bowls actually have flourished.

The Champs Bowl has seen attendance increases in nine of the past 10 seasons, while the Insight has had attendance increases in six of the past seven seasons. But those bowls are clearly the exceptions.

As far as what changes will be made to help bolster attendance for the BCS bowls when the new BCS cycle starts in 2014, Hancock said anything -- and everything -- is under consideration.

"Every idea is on the table for the future of the BCS, including moving away from midweek games after Jan. 1," Hancock said. "But it's too early to speculate about what changes, if any, might be made.

"Certainly there is no leader in the clubhouse. The [conference] commissioners will not make the decision in a vacuum."

Jamming on the Tip of My Tongue

2012-01-23T19:34:00.010-05:00

I ought to blog more. I ought to listen to more new music. I ought to blog about more new music that I listen to.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://theeclecticmoniker.bandcamp.com/track/2-officers"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;2 Officers by THE ECLECTIC MONIKER&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://weallhavehooksforhands.bandcamp.com/track/amys-room"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Amy's Room by we all have hooks for hands&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

GOBBLE GOBBLE - Boring Horror: GOBBLE GOBBLE - Boring Horror

Crushin' (featuring Cherub) by Police Academy 6

Rubik - Laws of Gravity (music video, HD) from Pauli Olavi Ojala on Vimeo.

Pictureplane "Body Mods" remix by Extreme Animals from Jacob Ciocci on Vimeo.

Fireflies (Free Track from Alhambra) by Mother Falcon

Funeral Song by Glowbug

College Football Look Ahead: Week 2 - Notre Dame at Michigan

2011-09-08T15:13:00.002-04:00

Notre Dame plays at Michigan on Saturday. Analysts suggest this is a game that will be won or lost based on which team has the fewest errors. Notre Dame's offense was explosive in week 1. Unfortunately, when it really counted, the grenade exploded in Notre Dame's hands before they had actually tossed it, and this usually resulted in turning the ball over to USF. Michigan's defense, conversely, showed up in the second half against Western Michigan in week 1 while the much-touted offense shuddered and rode the shoulders of Denard Robinson. But if Michigan relies too much on Shoelaces, he will wear out quickly and prove ineffective.

This kind of game can be fondly referred to as a battle between to handicapped opponents. Or, as Trey Parker and Matt Stone prefer: A cripplefight.

College Football Round-Up: Week 1

2011-09-04T10:48:00.022-04:00

And we're not even done with week one yet.

The big news?

#18 Ohio State (42) - Akron (0): Ohio State rolled despite having 8 players suspended. Luke Fickell did a fine job in his head coaching debut. Ohio State's defense shut out Akron. Braxton Miller and Bauserman both looked like solid quarterbacks. Their substitute running backs didn't have to work as hard because of this solid passing game. Carlos Hyde still performed well on the ground. This is still going to be a good team. I don't understand why the most recent three players were suspended ("accepting less than $300 at a charity event"), and I hope to see them back sooner than later.

Also awesome about this game? Urban Meyer called it. He oozed charisma and pro-OSU sensibilities. I want him to coach the Buckeyes. He is openly flirting with the Ohio State fans. Please let this happen.

Louisville (21) - Murray State (9): Louisville cruised over Murray State. But they didn't cruise with any swagger. They cruised in my old 1986 Toyota Carolla complete with its crappy stereo system, sagging interior trim, and rusting undercarriage. The team looked green. Really green. Still...this could be an 8-win team or a 4-win team. There's no telling yet, and playing in the Big East doesn't make this prediction any easier. So UofL looked poor, but it could have been worse. It could have looked like this....

Kentucky (14) - Western Kentucky (3): Kentucky looked bad. Really bad. I thought Louisville looked green, but UK really surprised me by how....it's hard to say without coming off as insulting....this team looked worse than Louisville. Granted, neither team has high expectations. And neither team was really tested (pick who's better - Murrary State or Western Kentucky). Louisville's offense at least has spurts of competence in the first half. I didn't watch all of the UK game, but I didn't hear much about UK having even brief glimpses of what their offense has looked like for the past 3 years. I think this is going to be a long year for both teams. I think UofL could go bowling. I don't think UK will, and that's only because of their conference schedules. I also feel better about UofL's chances of winning the Governor's Cup. That won't be anything to hang my hat on, but it's there.

Western Kentucky had this to say about their Kentucky opponents:

#11 Wisconsin (51) - UNLV (17): This was a really fun game to watch for one reason - Wisconsin's scary effective new offensive look. Russel Wilson adds a new dimension to Wisconsin, and that dimension is the dark, nebulous dimension that eats my favorite teams. I've come to expect Wisconsin to run, run, run, and then run some more. Now they're also throwing accurate long balls. This does not bode well for the rest of the B1G. I have some reservations of my own about how Wilson came to Wisconsin for one season and was named a Senior Co-Captain. I would be kind of pissed if I'd played with the Badgers for 3-4 years, put in my time, and then this new guy got the co-captain nod. That being said, it looks like he is going to earn it.

The bad news for Wisconsin? UNLV managed to poke some serious holes in their defense, and that is weird. Still, I see Wisconsin in the B1G championship game if they can right these wrongs.

Baylor (50) - #14 TCU (48): Baylor's Robert Griffin III (who is now obnoxiously known as RG3) ran amok on what was supposed to be a solid TCU defense. Unless TCU runs the table (which includes a game at Boise State) they have no chance of going to a significant bowl game. This sucks, because they were supposed to come into the Big East with a wealth of success. Ah well. Gary Patterson really needs to buy shirts that fit and don't make him look like a giant infant. ESPN loved showing a picture of him squatting and holding his game plan in his mouth for some reason. Baylor will surprise people in the (former) Big-XII minus 2. I texted Mike and predicted that RG3 will now be in every commentator's Heisman Hopeful talk. Bleh. Someone is going to "fucking kill someone."

HINT: It's this TCU fan.

Northwestern (24) - Boston College (17): This is a solid B1G win, and I'm impressed that Northwestern won despite not having Dan Persa. This is a good sign. Lee Corso and the College Gameday crew made the comment that Persa was the B1G Ten's best QB last year. This pissed me off because they're forgetting all about Denard Robinson and Terrelle Pryor. And Kirk Cousins for that matter. And some announcers suggested that Northwestern might surprise people and make it to the B1G Ten championship game. Not to ruin anyone's surprise, but they will not.

#23 Auburn (42) - Utah State (38): As crazy as this game was, it won't be the craziest game we see this season. Auburn was down 10 with 2 minutes left to play in the game. Utah State choked and handed the game over in the last minute. It was craziness. I did not think that Auburn would pull it out after being outmatched the entire game. Auburn fans were filing out of the stadium prematurely. I wouldn't be happy even WITH the win if I were them.Mike was quick to point out that this guy was playing for USU, all but guaranteeing that Sylvester Stallone (played in this case by Gene Chizik) would make a surprise comeback, probably jumping through a window or crashing through a wall in a car, to kill Wesley Snipes (played here by weird USU running back). If you watch this game and sync it with any mid-80's/early-90's action movie, you knew Auburn would win.

Michigan (34) - Western Michigan (10): Michigan kind of won this game in Brady Hoke's debut as head coach for the Wolverines. I italicize "kind of" because this game was not played in its entirety. After experiencing several rain delays, and because Brady Hoke's shirt was soaked to the point of nipple visibility, the game was conceded and Michigan "won."

Michigan's defense looked wobbly early but really came through after the first rain delay. They actually scored 14 of the team's 34 points. That's a huge improvement over last year's defense (led by Greg Robinson for reasons nobody that has ever watched Greg Robinson can understand). Mike is excited about this team. I'm really looking forward to next week's game against Notre Dame. Speaking of....

USF (23) - #16 Notre Dame (20): Despite almost three hours of rain delays here, this was my favorite game of the day/night. It started on NBC. USF went up 16-0. Then this happened.

And then God said:

Every time Notre Dame came out of a rain delay, they looked fired up, revamped, jazzed, and ready to right the ship. So God sent more and more rain. But even God couldn't overcome Skip Holz and his powerful Big East football. Notre Dame lost a stunner. Everyone I was texting with celebrated. I had never seen Bryan Kelly go Super Sayan before. It was a fun game.

#5 Boise State (35) - #19 Georgia (21): This game was irrelevant to me. It was a forgone conclusion. Georgia, perennially overrated and prone to sulking away after losses in big games, would be the over-matched team from an AQ conference that would lose to an overrated Boise State, solidifying the argument that WHEN Boise State goes undefeated through the MWC they should be entitled to play in the MNC game. Boise State has done it to Oregon and Virginia Tech in the past. Now it was Georgia, an even wetter paper bag that Boise State punched through.

Georgia will not be playing in any SEC championship game or any BCS bowl. They will not finish the season ranked. There will be concern in December surrounding whether or not Mark Richt will continue to coach there. It was a silly, overhyped game, and everyone knew it. Both teams tried to distract from this by wearing the silliest uniforms seen on TV in a long time (and that's saying something).

I read somewhere that if Boise State played in a BCS conference that they would be Iowa or Missouri, and I completely agree with this. Sometimes they have great seasons and deserve good bowl games. But to start the season at 5 and then earn nothing by beating up on MWC teams...doesn't say a whole lot. Right now Boise State fans are crossing their fingers and praying that TCU and Georgia go on to have GREAT seasons. Right now I don't think they will. And I think this will continue to be the albatross around Boise State's neck that I cannot look past. I *did* enjoy that the whiter-than-white Boise State QB had on a white-on-white uniform. Made me smile a little.

#4 LSU (40) - #3 Oregon (27): My favorite troll headline from this game? "Oregon has lost two games in the past two seasons - both to SEC teams." Trolling doesn't get better than this, and I'm just glad to hear it said about a team other than Ohio State. And what a great, fast-paced game it was! I knew it was going to be a scorcher when Les Miles ran out of the tunnel with his team, got lost, and ran in a different direction. Fittingly, he threw a lot of different offensive schemes at Chip Kelly's Oregon Ducks last night. It was an entertaining game to watch, and I really hope for good things for the Tigers this season. It will be interesting to see how they do against their SEC West cohorts.

Still, they looked sharp. Oregon didn't look bad. Not really. They just looked thin compared to LSU. It didn't help that their two best running backs both left the game at various points leaving a freshman RB to do his best against the stout LSU defense. To be fair, it would have been a much closer game if LSU hadn't choked 14 out of that freshman RB.

Games of note that I didn't follow:

#25 USC (19) beats Minnesota (17): for no good reason, USC is again starting the season ranked in the top 25. An improved Minnesota team almost beat them. Lane Kiffin had nothing good to say about his team's second half performance. This is not a team that deserves a ranking this high. They will not finish in the top 5 of the Pac 12. That's my prediction.
Penn State (41) beats Indiana State (7): Reports indicate that their offense is clicking where last year it tried to click but accidentally tripped on its own sock, fell, and cracked its head open on the bench. I don't have high expectations for this team, but I do think they will perform better than last year.
#2 Alabama (48) beats Kent State (7): this surprised nobody. Alabama, like LSU, has an elite team, but I anticipate they will stutter once or twice in SEC West play.
Purdue (27) beats Middle Tennessee (24): Purdue almost coughed up on itself and barely squeaked past MTSU. This does not bode well for what is supposed to be the second best team in Indiana. I'm actually looking forward to see how they'll perform against a rebuilding and improved IU team at the end of the season.
#6 Florida State (34) beats Louisiana-Monroe (0): FSU could be the real deal. They'll be playing against a diminished Miami team this year, and their real tests will be their non-conference opponents, Oklahoma and Florida. I think those games could go either way. If they can come out with W's on those games, this will be a team that goes to a BCS bowl.
#22 Florida (41) beats Florida Atlantic (3): Will Muschamp's debut went very well. Team Weis' offense performed with terrifying efficiency. Florida plays Alabama, @LSU, @Georgia, @USCe, and at home against FSU. If they can split those games, I believe they will win the SEC East and secure a spot in a decent bowl game. This was a cupcake game, though, and there's no telling how they will perform in two weeks against UT. Coach Deathstare is going to deal with his fair share of tough games, but I think he has the talent to excel. Should be an interesting team to watch this season.
Houston (38) beats UCLA (35): And that's a wrap on Rick Neuheisel's coaching career at UCLA. Or it should be anyhow. Yes, UCLA was the underdog going into this game, but f'n hell, how many chances is Ricky supposed to get at that school? And why do they keep recruiting Mr. Glass from Unbreakable as their QB?
BYU (14) beats Ole Miss (13): What a crap show. Both teams seem inept. BYU less so, I suppose. Ole Miss led 13-0 at the beginning of the fourth quarter (two field goals with a special teams score on a BYU fumbled kick return). BYU garnered 7 points as Ole Miss' defense sputtered out midway through the fourth. Then, with 5 minutes left in the game, Ole Miss' QB Stoudt fumbled the ball away, and BYU scored. Neither team seems super impressive. This is important to note, though, because this was BYU's first game as an independent this season.
Syracuse (36) beats Wake Forest (29) in OT: I wish I had watched more of this. Syracuse under Doug Marrone has already improved dramatically after suffering through GregRobinsonfluenza. I don't think anyone in the Big East looks to Syracuse as an automatic win anymore. I also think Syracuse will give USC a fit.
Less important: Cincinnati smoked Austin Peay with a sharp offense. Duke lost to Richmond. Pittsburgh struggled against Buffalo but won. Clemson struggled against Troy but put them away in the second half. Oregon State lost to an FCS team. UNC beat JMU in their coach's first game with the team. Miami (OH) played tough but lost to an overrated Missouri (#21) team.

Having college football back is glorious. Without having a drop of alcohol last night, I still *felt* it. It's weird. I was drunk with excitement and sheer joy.

Patty B - Agent of Insanity

2011-08-23T10:57:00.019-04:00

Einstein's theory of relativity describes gravity as a curvature of space-time. The more massive the object, the greater this distortion will be. Black holes are so massive, that they distort space-time into a deep, bottomless well from which nothing can escape. Physicists, philosophers, and astronomers also observe that light and, possibly, reality are also distorted by these events.

Though he is not black, Patrick Brumley is a hole of several varieties. And though he does not bend space-time or light, I have a firm belief that, either intentionally or unintentionally, he does alter reality. To be fair, there is no gauge or measuring device for reality, so scientists cannot confirm Patrick's influence on reality. But I can state that he absolutely alters our perception of reality.

When I look back and reflect, life seemed pretty normal and kind of plain before Patrick entered my orbit. In high school, I wasn't exposed to Patrick all that often. What time we did spend with each other was spent playing video games, watching wrestling, and reviewing horror movies. If there was any signal that Patrick was "off," I should have noted his enthusiastic devotion to working at Wal-Mart.

After we graduated high school, Patrick was one of the few friends that attended the same college I did. We didn't meet up much my freshman year, though when lunch needed to be procured, he knew where to find me and my food credits. It was sophomore year that things got interesting. Patrick was at the epicenter of several weird occurrences. He built a bedroom in a basement, then moved out, he joined a fraternity, he survived a semester by living on the living room couches of his acquaintances, he almost forgot a birthday, and he bit off a man's kneecap during a bar fight.

Then I decided to move in with him, sharing a small, one-room apartment. I believe he did his best to contain his demented powers, but sometimes they just slipped through the cracks and leaked out. I don't think he wanted anyone to know he was inherently mad, but things tend to escape when nobody's watching.

I'll never forget the time I explained to a friend's father that Patrick and I were going to be sharing an apartment. The wise father explained to me that this was unfortunate news because friends that live together in cramped quarters are destined to grate on each other's nerves to the point of breaking said friendship. I did not fret over the matter. In fact, I looked forward to the challenge of testing my mettle. Shortly after Patrick moved in, my mettle was indeed tested.

I came home to the apartment, tired and weary. I could hear the shower running in the small apartment. Anything that happened in that tiny living space could be heard on the opposite end. I could hear the water turn off. I had no idea how long Patrick had been in the shower for, but when the door flung open it became apparent that he had been in there for an extended duration. The steam that rolled out of the small bathroom slowly filled one room, then the next, and then the next. The light had been off in the room between us, but the bathroom light was on creating an eerie glow. Patrick emerged from the steam with the bathroom light to his back. He was clutching a towel to cover his genitals, but that was all that was covered. He was screeching his best impression of what an opera singer would sound like. Some wild animals micturate to mark their territory. Others will physically designate an area as belonging to them by scraping trees or by building walls or dams. Patrick, this cosmic weirdo, was letting me know that I had entered his realm by frightening my core. I stood my ground for three more years.

One night I was driving him home and he freestyle rapped for the entirety of a jazz song I had playing in my car. It was a rabid rhyme, and though I'll never remember his words, I'll never forget the experience. One time I caught him talking with a French accent. Had Patrick to this point ever shown an ability to rap? (no) Does Patrick speak French? (no) And then there was the time I walked into the bathroom and all but Patrick's body hair had washed down the shower drain. No other remnant of Patrick was in our home other than his body hair which was nested in the tub, staring back at me. Patrick has escaped reality, and he had forgotten to take his body hair with him.

It was also brought to my attention that Patrick recently tried to warp some of our friends' psyches by torturing them drunkenly as they tried to sleep. He knotted a pillow ribbon around his head to reveal his buttoned-third eye and he slapped them and howled late into the night, preventing his companions from sleeping. Surely his only intention was to buckle their psyches and force them into a well of insanity similar to his own.

There are numerous stories of "Big Pat" sightings. Some have witnessed him scrambling through Prestonia in only his underpants. When we lived together, I noticed him sneaking up on people while donned in black tights, a cape, and a lucha libre mask on more than one occasion. Like the mythical Louisville chupacabra, reports have surfaced of Patrick-like creatures roaming Bardstown Road some nights.

I don't know much about those agents that cause paranoia or inexplicable fear. Can anybody put their finger on what makes something (or someone, for that matter) irrational? Can anyone determine where a derangement originates? Is there an epicenter for hysterics? Simply asking the question is as maddening as trying to answer it. But if a mania had a start point, if ever there was an agitator that facilitated such lunacy, it is Patrick Brumley.

The notion, then, is to resolve if Patrick is responsible for these distortions, does he create the perception of distortions in one's mind, or does he simply attract these "wrinkles" and distortions, riding them out to their improper conclusions? I doubt anyone will ever find the truth. I can only credit my sustained exposure to Patrick's erraticism, else I might never see the blurs between the lines. I hope for your sake that you can distinguish those glitches, too.

August 2011 - Rejuvenating Music Videos

2011-08-08T20:04:00.005-04:00

Ever since MTV piddled away that medium for which it was named (music videos), I've lamented on the general lack of access to the format. In college, when MTV was seizuring through all of their failed experimental shows that were not music videos, I took the liberty of using torrent sites to download any new music video I could get my hands on. Then, with a computer full of videos, I would load them into Windows Media Player, turn on shuffle, and sit back to enjoy the ride.

With YouTube and Vimeo, I don't have to do this at all. I still download the occasional music video to watch while I'm getting ready for work, but anymore I have come to rely on the internet. RIP MTV.

As fun and exciting as these music videos are, and despite how much I enjoy the music (video or no), I don't expect any of these songs will make it to any top 40 chart in the near future. My intention is not to say that IF MTV played videos that these would do well. What I AM saying is that these are the kind of videos that I used to stay up late to see played on MTV2 when none of the programmers thought they could make money by showing more MTV "Documentaries" (Pimp My Ride, Cribs, Teenage Mom, etc.) or Cockhouse shows (Jackass, Wonderboys, Viva la Bam, etc.).

Alex Winston - "Sister Wife" from stereogum on Vimeo.

ANR - "Big Problem" from stereogum on Vimeo.

Toro Y Moi - "How I Know" from Jonathan Montepare on Vimeo.

Get Real, Get Right from Asthmatic Kitty on Vimeo.

IS TROPICAL - THE GREEKS (official music video) from EL NINO on Vimeo.

Watch The Throne

2011-08-05T19:20:00.001-04:00

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More Brady Hoke Cartoons

2011-07-26T13:58:00.004-04:00

Man vs. Wood

2011-07-26T11:56:00.001-04:00

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By pablofluffchunk at 2011-07-26

Making Fun of Michigan's Head Football Coach

2011-07-17T12:54:00.006-04:00

It is well known among my circle of friends that I am an Ohio State fan. It is my legacy, passed down from my grandfather to my father and now to me (and now I find myself trying to pass it on to my girlfriend). There is a lot of fun to be had at the Ohio State football program's expense right now, and one of my best friends, Mike, loves to talk crap at me about it.

To raise his ire, and to try to cap some of the inexhaustible, unxplainable enthusiasm he has for his team's new football coach, Brady Hoke, I made fun of Coach Hoke for what I am sure will not be the last time. The point of these cartoons was to poke fun of the fact that when I do a Google image search for Brady Hoke, a good portion of the pictures that come up make Brady Hoke look like he is trying to inhale whichever opponent his team is playing. He purses his lips, expands his diaphragm, and sucks. And boy does he suck hard. So, enjoy the following pictures. I'm sure there will be more to come.

To all of those not interested in the sports drivel Mike and I will be slinging back and forth until November, I apologize. I try to wrangle him back in to the guy's-only e-mail so we don't embarrass ourselves in front of the ladies. I have just one last thing to say about Mike's poo-poo on the group e-mail....

I would feel more intimidated by Michigan's trending if their coach, Brady Hoke, had fewer pictures of himself on Google Image Search that looked like he was an evil version on Nintendo's Kirby. Seriously, there are too many pictures that look like he is furiously trying to inhale whatever opponent he is playing against.

I will leave it at that. That, and these pictures.

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And for no other good reason, here's a goat licking an electric fence.

Fun Random Sprinkle Stuff

2011-06-27T20:22:00.002-04:00

Some movie reviews:

Rio - meh.

Rango - HUZZAH!

Source Code - Whoah! (the ending made me excited for Matt Wade when he sees it)

Sucker Punch - boo hiss boo

Troll Hunter - HOLYCRAPTHATWASAWESOMELETSWATCHITAGAIN

To make them easier to understand, I'll put them on an ascending scale from Sucker Punch to Troll Hunter:

Sucker Punch

Rio

Source Code

Rango

Troll Hunter

More context?

Sucker Punch - As much as I like Zach Snyder's body of work, this entire movie was a mess. It looked really cool, and it has a Jon Hamm cameo. And lots and lots of cleavage. The story, though, did not hold my attention for long at all. Glad I didn't opt to buy this on Blu-Ray on the strength of the movie's ad campaign.

Rio - good looking Dreamworks animated movie (from the creators of Ice Age!). However, like Ice Age, the movie isn't as engaging as the movies being made over at Pixar, and this doesn't stand up well against unfair competition like the Toy Story's or Rangos of the world.

Source Code - kickass sci-fi from the director of Moon (David Bowie's son!). A lot of comparisons to Groundhog Day, but that doesn't do the mystery aspect of the movie justice. I like Jake Gyllenhaal, and I thought the story was good enough to have been written by Phillip K Dick it was that good.

Rango - holy crap. This was not just a kid's movie. Awesome visual effects, fun story, quirky characters, and more than one Hunter S Thompson reference. Can't beat that. I'm buying this one on Blu-ray for sure. A good one to have in my collection, one I look forward to sharing with people (and potentially my children some day). I actually think my dad would be able to sit down and get a kick out of this one. Pretty sure it's going to be his Christmas blu-ray.

Troll Hunter - Another one to buy on blu-ray. Fun story. Fun effects. I could have watched another 4 hours of this movie. The only thing I didn't like about this movie was that it only lasted 1.5 hours. That and the abrupt ending. But then, I don't know how it could have ended any other way. The fact that Chris Columbus' production company bought the rights to remake this, I imagine we'll see an American version, but I can't imagine it will hold a candle to this original scary/funny mockumentary.

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http://www.avclub.com/articles/for-no-real-reason-heres-a-photo-of-the-rock-ridin,58117/

For no good reason, here's a picture of The Rock on Splash Mountain. It makes me chuckle every time I look at it.

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http://animalsbeingdicks.com

Animals Being Dicks is going to be one of those websites I add to my favorites and try to make a habit of checking regularly. Examine some of these fine gifs

Seeing animals act like humans gets old after so many linked YouTube videos.

However, seeing animals act like assholes just does not get old to me.

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Speaking of asshole animals, check out this YouTube video of the nasty-ass Wisconsin mascot:

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Finally, for the day, check out this other website I found: CookToBang.com

Pretty neat website with recipes for top notch dinners that dudes can put together to impress hotties. I like.

http://cooktobang.com/

Intimidating License Plate

2011-06-10T16:23:00.002-04:00

I thought you all would get a kick out of this, too. There was a car driving like a real jerk earlier in the week. Naturally, I thought it would be wise to chase it and tailgate it when the opportunity presented itself. I backed off, though, when I read the intimidating license plate: NCKB8KR! That's right! If you mess with the driver of that car, he will totally bake your neck.

"That's right, son! We're from Long Island! And if my boy don't like you, he will wait until you're sleeping, then he'll creep up real slow, and start marinating your shoulders and back with a buttery, salty concoction! Then he'll apply some MONSTAH low heat! And he will BAKE THAT SH!T, SON! He will strait delicately ABUSE YOU with low, gentle heat until your neck is TENDAH AS HELL!"

Another Amazing Time-Lapse Video of New York City

2011-06-06T09:13:00.000-04:00

Mindrelic - Manhattan in motion from Mindrelic on Vimeo.

The Revenge of Bear Mountain

2011-06-05T15:03:00.002-04:00

Over Memorial Day weekend, I had nothing planned other than to do something. I wasn't working (which was a nice change of pace), but I wanted to do more than sit around the apartment. The activity I settled on was hiking Bear Mountain again. I had hiked it once last fall, and then again in the spring with Duncan. It makes for one of the prettiest views I've ever seen, and I wanted to check it out when all the trees were green, since I hadn't given myself that opportunity yet. But things were a little different this time.

The park was charging $8 to park in their lot. For some reason, I thought this was an unspeakable offense. Charge money to park at a public park? OUTRAGEOUS! So I took the most logical course of action I could imagine: find the parking lot at the top of the mountain, park for free, hike down, and then hike back up.

Hiking up a mountain and then trotting back down the mountain is much easier than hiking down a mountain and then trying to crawl back up. There's probably a life lesson in there. Something very deep. Profound. Probably.

It should be said that I've never hiked this mountain when it's 80+ degrees outside, too. In the past it's always been a bit chilly. And open. I have never seen so many people at this park before.

Walking down the mountain was pretty uneventful. The one good thing I noticed was that many female hikers don't wear bras. So I witnessed a lot of bouncing boob action. Thinking back now, I wonder if I would have witnessed this if I hadn't given half of my water to some thirsty hikers that had ran out. My water-karma *probably* is the cause for the mountain jugs. ((Note to self: I should hand out water more often.))

On the way back up the mountain, though, I ran into some problems. Right from the get-go, I hiked past a family with little children that were very slow. So I passed them. I didn't just pass them. I was taking steps two at a time, ROCKETING up a mountain past these people. Then I found myself behind another family, also with children, but this time the children were boys with walking sticks. Not noticing me behind them, the boys were flinging sticks and waving them like baseball bats or magic wands (take your pick). Both boys almost swung their baseball bats/wands in my face before I decided to run past them, too.

In hindsight, passing hikers on a mountain is very different from passing people on the interstate. On the interstate, there aren't really any immediate repercussions for hitting the gas pedal and zooming beyond the slow assholes that are driving in the left-hand lane. On a mountain, however, and without the benefit of a motor, zooming beyond slow assholes does have its consequences.

The Asian family and I kept taking turns on our way up the mountain. I hiked past the Asians early in the trip. Then, about a quarter of the way up I thought that my brain was about to shit dynamite and I couldn't catch my breath, so I stopped to take a breather. The Asians passed me. I regained my composure, hiked some more, and hiked past the breaking Asians. Then I realized I'd been gritting my teeth and my eyes wouldn't stop twitching. In fact, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. At this point I think my brain merely sharted dynamite. Nothing too serious. My feet felt like gallon buckets filled with concrete. So I took another breather. Then the Asians passed me again.

During the course of these "blood pressure relief breaks" I contemplated the mistakes and hardships I have committed against my body. The booze. The cigarettes. The days I have moved less than 20 yards from morning to night. The fried breakfast I had (bacon, eggs, and tomato). The lack of exercise. The scars from wrestling, falling, and making trees. The disregard I give to stretching.

The Asians and I played this back-and-forth game of resting (they rested just as often as I did....sneaky Asians) and then hiking ahead of each other, but you'll be proud to know that I beat them to the top of the mountain. Through the struggles I had two thoughts that kept me motivated. First, I kept thinking that somewhere on my way home there would be a store that had a cooler, and in that cooler was a 30 pack of Miller High Life, and nothing was going to come between me and the Miller High Life. The second thought was more of a realization, really. I realized that whenever I stopped there was a swarm of hungry, biting gnats that would attack me until I hiked away again. So between beer and my instinct to not get bitten by bugs, I trudged up to my car and drove off.

I feel like a million bucks now. I'm also a little light-headed. I suppose it could be the beer. It could also be the little red bumps of poison the gnats left in my arms and legs. But I'm not one to split hairs. I descended and ascended the mountain, and that was one of my two goals for the weekend. That and install my air conditioners. Both are complete now. Now I can drink beer, smoke cigarettes, eat like a pig, and not move, or exert any effort for another 36 hours.

The Bacon Guy

2011-04-28T08:52:00.003-04:00

Last year I cooked up several bottles of bacon-infused liquor. Thinking I was being generous when I shared said liquor with co-workers, friends, and family, I was actually creating an accidental reputation for myself. Now I'm the "Bacon Guy." Why I can't be the "Handsome Guy" or "Strong Guy" or even the "Funny Guy" is beyond me. "The Guy With The Impressive Movie Trivia Knowledge" would have sufficed. I worked so hard to be that man! But no...Bacon Guy.

So here are a few of the videos that I have been sent recently.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Thought for Food - Chocolate Air, Denny's & Bacon Cologne

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

Video Archive

A breakfast of bacon and blue cheese dressing....?

http://www.speakeasy.org/~sjmaks/cereal/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/10/things-made-of-bacon-that_n_255601.html#s29660&title=Bacon_Bra

Spider Season in New Jersey

2011-04-07T09:05:00.002-04:00

It is apparently spider season in New Jersey.

When I'm walking to my car, or going to make coffee, or checking my mail I can look forward to walking through a spider web. And its not as if I'm going a different way to my car. I'm not taking a path to my mailbox that hasn't been taken since the Mayans were building these apartment complexes. I'm not turning over any bones or kicking rats out of my way to the coffee pot. It's just that there are spider webs EVERYWHERE!

It reminds me of a couple years ago when I was living with Mike and Taylor in Leeann's house. I remember walking to the car one morning and feeling a web brush my face. I wiped it off like it was nothing and got in the car. I remember driving and feeling like my shirt tag was rubbing against my neck weird, and I kept trying to readjust my neck so it wasn't rubbing and itching so awkwardly.

I got to work, started up my computer, checked my office mailbox, and then went to get my coffee from the kitchen. I'll never forget feeling something tickle my ear. I reached up to rub my ear to see if there was a piece of fuzz or something in my hair, and a black woolly spider the size of a thumbnail fell on the floor. I was scared and pissed and embarrassed, so without thinking I did a ninja-Hulk stomp squishing it and splattering it more than I expected. I'm pretty sure I screamed a ninja "HEE-YAH!" too. I haven't found a spider on my person since. Coincidence? I think I scared those little f$%kers, and the news has spread around the spider community not to mess with me.

Things Macho Men Should Know About

2011-02-28T19:20:00.002-05:00

Some night when the mood strikes me to revert to my inner silver-back gorilla and declare my dominance over all other males in my territory, I will make this. Chances are it will happen during college football season.
Some crazy asshole connoisseur had the bright idea to create a bourbon butter cocktail. Said crazy asshole was not me. I wish I could take credit, though.
Basil Hayden's Bourbon Holiday Cocktails Created by wd`50 Restaurant, New York
http://www.bourbonblog.com/blog/2010/11/24/basil-haydens-bourbon-holiday-cocktails-wd-50-restaurant-new-york/

Barrel-Aged Cocktails: These Are A Thing Now
http://sanfrancisco.grubstreet.com/2010/10/the_next_trend_in_cocktail_gee.html Once upon a time there were that were drunk. These drunk people had some idea about how aging liquor in barrels made the liquor taste better. "Hey," said Drunk Number One, "I have some liquor that would taste better if we aged it!" "Oh yeah," asked Drunk Number Two, "what liquor do you have?" Drunk Number One responded, "My gin cocktail!" And so people began aging cocktails in barrels and declaring that it was good.

Dance Yrself Clean - LCD Soundsystem - Muppets rock out in Brighton !

2011-02-28T15:42:00.000-05:00

Jamie Dixon LOVES his new peanut butter chapstick!

2011-02-27T19:21:00.001-05:00

Behind Enemy Lines: Louisville AT Rutgers

2011-02-23T14:34:00.003-05:00

7:20 PM - Tuesday, February 22nd

So I'm Rutgers' campus an hour before the game and I have no idea where I'm walking to. So far I'm just following about 20 paces behind a young girl that looks like she's basketball bound...

8:20 PM

Bought a $35 ticket. My seat isn't terrible, but I suspect I'd be better off scalping a ticket next time. If I had any semblance of where I was and who I was giving money to. The RAC is really an old school gym, and its kind of small.

I don't see Pitino or Swopshire, but I see all the other familiar faces.

All the Rutgers fans were patient and polite directing me to my seat. Opted to not wear my UofL gear. Don't think results would have been much different, though.

I got a free Rutgers foam finger. Novelty freebie acquired!

So far so good.

10:00 PM

First half wrap-up:

There was only one point at which this crowd was loud and in support of their team. That was during the opening minute. Since then the only time they've been loud was in groaning when the Rutgers team turned over the ball (this happened often). The fans groaning was almost as loud as their cheering.

I don't understand why Rakeem Buckles is starting for Louisville. Since coming back from his injury, he has contributed negatively to this team. It really seems like the game goes 4-on-5, or even 4-on-6 depending on how many turnovers Buckles contributes. I get Pitino trying to get him back to pre-injury shape, but he has a lot more faith in the young man than I do.

The student section contributes to the majority of the noise generated here in the RAC. And they get it loud quickly. Unfortunately for them, they don't stay consistently engaged. To that point, the entire student section was about as mature and engaged as you would expect of New Jersey fans of a basketball team with a losing record. The opening taunt was to shout "SUCKS!" after each UofL starter's name was announced. The only other taunt they got going was to shout "YOU ARE UGLY" at Chris Smith whenever he went to shoot foul shots. I don't know how or why they settled on him to be their target. He's from NYC. Maybe there's a connection there. The student section itself was about as big as UofL's at home (which speaks to how poorly the Louisville students are regarded), which is about twice as big as Shelby County High School's student section. But, credit where credit is due, whether it was because of the low ceiling or the small capacity of the gym, the student section was able to make a lot of noise on both occasions.

The fans made noise two other times during the game. Once in the second half when Rutgers was making a run. The other time was when Preston Knowles missed a free throw. They actually cheered "Yay!" Not "yeah" or "awesome." "Yay," like a little girl. It made me chuckle.

I hinted at it earlier, but the crowd made more noise groaning or complaining about their team's play than they did cheering or taunting. People were booing in the first half when foul shots were missed. That never bodes well. And the one heckler I heard all night started within the first 6 minutes of gameplay, and 90% of his heckles were against Rutgers. This guy was a real piece of work. The other 10% of his heckles were 1% in the last 5 minutes of gameplay against Pitino ("where's your girlfriend?") and 9% heckles against the Special Olympics youth basketball team that played at halftime ("Dunk it, retard!" / "I thought this was basketball, not kickball!" / "Traveling!" / "Shoot the three!"). I think it might be the most disgusting, most distasteful thing I've ever witnessed at a sporting event: heckling Special Olympics players. He also shouted lewd things at the dance team. Class act. What was comforting was that he was making everyone in attendance grimmace, and I feel confident in saying that not all Rutgers fans were like him. In fact, he stood alone. The Rutgers fans were, for the most part, very tasteful.

A Tale of Two College Gamedays

2011-02-10T10:08:00.008-05:00

I'm having a problem with the ESPN college basketball announcers this year. I actually enjoy Bob Knight, but not as the color commentator. He has an extremely dry sense of humor, but he's not outrageous. He actually usually sticks with X's and O's, and that's ok with me.

The entire program has taken on a silly atmosphere that is uncharacteristic for the talent, and it does not play to their talents. This is the clip that really ruined it for me this year.

Jay Bilas' talent comes from being cerebral and smart and 95% without BS. His strength as a commentator has always been his strait-to-the-point, relatively-unbiased presentation of a basketball game. Someone got in his ear and told him to be more like a clown. "Be more like Dick Vitale." But that is the opposite of who Jay Bilas should be. He should be the guy that deconstructs the Dick Vitales and the Digger Phelpses of ESPN, because when he does it is a thing of beauty. When he tries to be funny, its like watching a tone deaf ugly girl try to impress people. You kind of feel bad, but at the same time a little pissed off.

Digger is garbage. He's a color commentator that is way too liberal with the color, and none of his colors are coordinated (unlike his tie and highlighter...oh what an outrageous, fun tradition!)(sarcasm).

And College Gameday is trying something I've not seen before for basketball, and I think its a change for the worse. In the past, Jay Bilas has been really entertaining at researching scouting reports and being the brains of the show and usually whatever game he's calling. He's been a great strait man. Occasionally, when paired with a veteran announcer, he took the color commentary roll, and it was great, because it wasn't that colorful. If you paired Bilas with a veteran announcer it was perfect. A mix that worked well without being biased, like Brent Musberger and Kirk Herbstreit (the ABC Saturday night College game of the night).

Hubert Davis has been a decent host of College Gameday, half-color commentator, half-strait man.

And Rece Davis used to be the Chris Fowler of the show. A strait man with a resonating voice that anchored everything back to reality. But the Davis boys are starting to let the show get away from them. Digger is the idiotic color commentator. Rece and Hubert should be more anchored. Don't join his ranks. Don't go down that path, please.

But something is changing within the show. It seems like a producer asked them to emulate the success of College Gameday for football. Now all four of the guys are always cutting up. I can entertain some Lee Corso - Digger Phelps comparisons, but its a stretch. On college Gameday for football, the other four hosts look at Lee like he's crazy 30% of the time, but the other 70% they're paying attention to what he has to say. There's a sense of reverence for Lee Corso. Yes, he has goofy habits like "NOT SO FAST!" and putting on a mascot's head, but at least he's not talking with a huge bias like Lou Holtz (is it a coincidence that ESPN recruits aged Notre Dame coaches to be color commentators?). On Gameday for Basketball, nobody really takes Digger seriously.

The poor guy just can't wrap his head around modernity. Everything in his basketball IQ is at least two decades old. When Louisville was down by 3 to Georgetown, he couldn't understand why more coaches don't have their players heave the ball past half-court for a catch-and-shoot like Christian Laettner in 1992 (19 years ago) in the infamous Duke/UK game NCAA tournament regional game. "Why more coaches don't call that play is beyond me!" Its beyond you because it is not a wildly successful play. First, before you ask why no coach has called one of your favorite plays, take a moment to consider why they wouldn't call that play. Could it be because that was a miracle shot that wasn't successful before or after Laettner pulled it off? That would be the logical conclusion: it is not a high-percentage scoring opportunity. You would think that as an ex-coach, you would know what plays are safe, and which plays are wildly retarded (or....not). Also, as a supposed "expert" commentator, you should never admit that anything is "beyond you." EVERYTHING should be within your grasp. You're an expert. You can say you disagree with a play. That's cool.

Hubert Davis in the past has been a very comparable performer to Desmond Howard. They both cut up more than they should. They can both pull off the knowledgeable athlete that hasn't been away from the game for too long. But a couple weekends ago, when talking about Roy Williams popping off at callers on his radio show, Hubert Davis actually refused to talk about the subject. When posed with the question, he asked "Why are we even talking about this?" and stomped his feet and wouldn't comment further. Look, the producers and writers of the show come up with topics that they want their performers to comment on. He tried to flip the game on what was an otherwise interesting question. And when Rece, Jay, or Digger started to comment, he would butt in asking why they felt the need to comment. He was acting like a spoiled little kid. Desmond Howard at least recognizes a) where his paycheck comes from and b) how to engage in conversation even if he doesn't enjoy where someone's opinion comes from.

Jay Bilas is being changed, and that's a bad thing. Rece Davis is being changed, and that's a bad thing, too. Rece Davis now encourages the rest of the crew to say batshit nutty things. He tries to bring out the goofy in Jay Bilas, and Jay Bilas goofy is not entertaining. Where Chris Fowler anchors the show with occasional, subtle goading, Rece Davis brings up Digger's dance way too often. He tries to get Jay Bilas to fake barf into a trashcan. He wants to bring out the nasty, ultra-red-state out of Bobby Knight. And I have to assume someone behind the scenes is asking him to make this stretch. Rece Davis shouldn't be an active member of the color commentary. He should be the host. He should be a non-objective participant, like the narrator of a play. It doesn't suit him to act like a teenaged kid trying to start shit. He's "the voice," both the voice of reason and the golden voice. He shouldn't be the voice of your obnoxious step brother that's 3 months younger than you, but 6 inches taller, and always starting crap.

The environment on College Gameday for football obviously is the model that ESPN is going after for College Gameday for basketball. But things need to be tweaked. The performers can do it, but its like they're being pushed way too hard. Part of me feels bad for them, and the other part of me wishes the crew on the Big Ten Network could take over national basketball operations, because they balance their color and their strait very well.

If ESPN had any sense, they'd get Gus Johnson as their premier color commentator. That's a guy that can get excited for any team without losing himself in bias. The guy is both smart and exciting. And the strait commentators they pair him with always compliment him well. Gus Johnson is the Worcestershire sauce of commentators.

Learning to Cope With Weather in the Northeast Pt 2

2011-02-02T10:17:00.003-05:00

NOTE: I wrote this, drunkenly, last week when I was having a rough night.

Between the time the UofL game ended and now another 4 inches of snow fell, and it looks like its not going to stop any time soon.

Stupidly, I made a cup of coffee....Irish coffee as a cocktail while the guys played Starcraft tonight. I think its keeping me up. I'm not tired at all.

So, being starkly awake and watching the snow, and wondering if I'm going to be able to drive tomorrow I had the realization that snow would make good cocktails. So I have been walking to my back steps and gathering snow, handfulls at a time, and making bourbon cocktails out of it. So far the snowy old fashioneds have been delicious.

If I'm not able to get out tomorrow, I will have lost 2 days this week to snow. And I don't know if I'll be able to get stuff done like I got stuff done today. I have almost exhausted my office work. I might do my taxes. I might just sit and watch movies/play video games all day.

I have plenty of food. Plenty of bread. Plenty of bourbon. I'm running low on milk, and I ran out cereal today, but that's ok. I have plenty of breakfast supplies. The only thing I really need milk for is more Irish coffee or if I make cookies, and I don't think I'll be doing either between now and Friday.

For what its worth, snow makes for really fun cocktails. You make a cocktail like normal, but instead of ice you use a couple handfulls of snow. The snow half-way melts and makes a better slushy that you'd ever get out of an actual slushy machine or a blender.

The next day I had this update

I lost track of how many snow bourbons I had last night. I am hung over this morning.
I'm declaring another office day.
Or maybe just a sick day.
I love my job.

I made cocktails and then dipped snowballs into the glass. The snow dissolved and made more of a slushy than anything else. It was delicious and....unfortunately...numerous.

Learning to Cope With Weather in the Northeast

2011-02-02T10:07:00.002-05:00

The wintry tundra storm has missed my part of NJ for the most part. There hasn't been much snow accumulation at all, but we do have a thick shell of ice on top of everything. Last night I was walking the trash to the dumpster, and it literally felt like I was walking on eggshells. And this morning it was sleeting and blowing against my bedroom windows. I woke up, and it sounded oddly like I was in an aquarium.

Its always a weird way to start the day when you wake up without your glasses on thinking you're in an aquarium.

I understand Kentucky is getting a lot of rain? That's nasty.

Allentown, Pennsylvania got a lot of ice, too, and very little snow. This is only relevant to me because I'm flying out of there on Friday. Correction: I'm supposed to be flying out of there on Friday morning. Right now all of their Wednesday flights are canceled, but Thursday and Friday flights look unaffected.

I have a plan, though, if my flight gets canceled and I can't make it to Florida for my birthday.

The snow plows that scrape the apartment complex's parking lot always push the snow to one end of the lot. All of the kids that live in the complex climb this huge snow hill and sled down it. I was looking at it last night after thinking how much more fun it would be if the kids didn't have to slip and fall every time they tried to climb it. So if I'm stuck in New Jersey on Saturday, I'm going to take some tools and carve steps into the snow/ice so the kids can climb it easier. Then I will spend the rest of the day drinking and listening to the laughter.

Another obnoxious thing about the weather and my job.

On a regular day of sales calls, I never have to be on the road before 10. And if the weather's bad, that is an impetus for me to hit the road even later, because usually the bad weather clears as the morning changes into afternoon. If its icy or snowy, by noon the roads are all clear and drivers aren't puttering around quite as slow.

But for anyone with a job that requires them to be in by 8 or 9, its a different story. Because there's snow/ice/snice on their cars, they get up even earlier in the event of bad weather so they can scrape their cars, shovel their steps, and cause lots of noise. And because they're in New Jersey, and the thing to do here is not have an inside voice, the people yell from their cars to their children or their partners.

"BEN! GET IN THE CAR! THE CAR IS WARM! I SCRAPED THE WINDHSIELD! HURRY UP!"

So what should mean extra sleep time for Paul actually means earlier wake up time, usually to a sound that wakes me out of a dream and sends me into a weird panic. "What's that grinding sound?! Why are people yelling?! Where am I?! Why can't I see?!"

The answers are: shoveling/scraping, people don't have inside voices, New Jersey, I'm not wearing my glasses.

The bonerface that plows my apartment complex's parking lot did this to my car last week:

GOBBLE GOBBLE - Wrinklecarver

2011-01-20T00:16:00.000-05:00

Django Django WOR

2011-01-20T00:10:00.000-05:00

A Perfect Portrait of New York City In Three Minutes

2011-01-16T12:00:00.001-05:00

NYC - Mindrelic Timelapse from Mindrelic on Vimeo.

A Baby Girl

2011-01-16T10:54:00.004-05:00

Holy crap. Matt and Danielle are having a girl. "Freaked out." I think that's a good way of describing it. I was freaked out when I heard they were having a boy two years ago. Maybe "freaked out" isn't the right term now. For the past six years (at least) I've considered Danielle the consummate wife/mother. From the time we had that serious discussion in her car that she was going to marry my friend Matt, Danielle got put into a completely different box. After that stomach-flipping discussion I started to see things about Danielle that I hadn't noticed before. Namely I took note of this wife/mother/person. She transcended her "Matt's girlfriend" box.

So when they were getting married, I was excited. Initially freaked out, but excited. When they announced that there was a baby on the way I felt the same way. Essentially, I don't think there's anything Danielle cannot handle. I imagine her taking on all challengers. And a baby boy seemed like a natural fit for both Matt and Danielle.

To be perfectly honest, everything has seemed like a perfect fit for those two. They compliment each other so extremely well. Marriage? Great fit. They were ready for it. First house? No problem. They' nesting and making a picture-perfect home. Child? Harrison couldn't be a better reflection of who those two are.

But now a daughter.

Its my own fault for growing up vicariously through the antics of the Wades. Without doubt, they're two of my best friends, but they've always been in a different orbit, an orbit of my own design that separates me from their grown-up life. So its not my place at all to be anxious about raising a young girl. After all, its not my girl then, is it? But...holy crap. A girl. A baby girl that will turn into a teenage girl. Good gracious.

I have heard stories about my father getting a case of SUPER-anxiety when mom went into labor with me. I suppose its natural for fathers. I mean, its not as if us men don't have nine months to prepare ourselves, but Jesus, what a gut check! And if having a kid wouldn't be enough of a gut-check for me, the thought of caring for and nurturing a girl....A GIRL?!

So I freaked out. I freaked out on behalf of Matt and Danielle. Someone has to do it. They're not going to. They're going to be preoccupied with the actual real life, responsible part of it. So I will continue to monitor and observe from my other orbit. And I'll freak out on their behalf. I'll grow up vicariously through them. They can witness my agitation and anxiety, experiencing it vicariously through me.

The Most NSFW Music Videos of 2010

2011-01-16T09:56:00.004-05:00

I'm stealing this post from Stereogum, mostly because I'm really fond of these songs. Its just coincidence that they feature nudity. And nudity never hurt a blog. Stereogum has a longer list of videos, but those songs that I excluded I just didn't like. I can't say I particularly enjoy the HEALTH song, either, but I include it because Mike had sent it out last summer in an e-mail, and we all marveled at how disturbing it was.

Leather Hands – “Vertical Lines” (Dir. Miles Flanagan)

Big Freedia – “Azz Everywhere” (Dir. Jordan Kinley)

El Guincho – “Bombay” (Dir. Nicolás Méndez-CANADA)

EL GUINCHO | Bombay from MGdM | Marc Gómez del Moral on Vimeo.

UNKLE – “Follow Me Down” (Dir. Warren du Preez and Nick Thornton Jones)

Grinderman – “Heathen Child” (Dir. John Hillcoat)

Grinderman 'Heathen Child' from Trim Editing on Vimeo.

HEALTH – “We Are Water” (Dir. Eric Wareheim)

Die Antwoord – “Evil Boy” (Dir. Rob Malpage)

Klaxons – “Twin Flames” (Dir. Saam Farahmand)

Klaxons - Twin Flames NSFW from BlindPig on Vimeo.

New Music

2011-01-12T10:23:00.007-05:00

Alcoholic Faith Mission - My Eyes To See from Guy Manly Movies on Vimeo.

Holiday Wrap-Up

2011-01-07T10:37:00.002-05:00

Monday, December 20th
When we first walked into Sergio's, someone made the comment about how back room looked like an abandoned Chinese restaurant. As we walked past through towards the front, I quipped that the room came complete with a creepy dude giggling to himself. The creepy dude turned out to be our waiter/server/hair collector. He was seriously just sitting in a booth by himself giggling and rocking back and forth.

Throughout the night he never really left us, even though we explained on multiple occasions that we didn't need another beer quite yet, and no, thank you, none of us were going to order any more food. He kept pestering us, looking wild-eyed, like a spider that just simultaneously caught a dozen flies and doesn't know where to start.

I'm curious now if Sergio didn't uncover him in the basement of that establishment when he bought it last year. Or he could be like the house elf from Harry Potter, just enormous and off-kilter.

He was the kind of guy that breaks into people's homes, takes pictures of them sleeping, and adds those photos to his collection.
Someone else made the observation that he would have looked more natural if he had little stumpy malformed hands like the butler from Scary Movie 2.
I can't imagine him driving a car. Maybe a Big Wheel.
He was like Dwight Schrute's brother.

Thursday, December 30th
So all day today my stomach was really hurting me. I don't know how Dave's guts are feeling, but I have ached. For lunch I had a bad burger from The Pub at Fourth Street, and that made it hurt more. When I got home, I drank a lot of water. Didn't help. Made a bourbon and coke. Didn't help. Made some Chinese food with fried rice with dad. Didn't help. Then an idea hit me.

I'd read about this before but had never attempted it. I poured a beer and whipped a raw egg into it. Chugged it fast. Only one chunky spot. Very frothy and filling. I felt instantly better. Made a second one and felt like I went from 20% to 90%. New miracle cure. Bank it.

Saturday, January 1st
I survived the evening. I stayed in bed until about 1:45 just talking and cuddling and doing all kinds of things that are otherwise gross to bachelors or anyone disinterested in cute things. My head was very, very tender. I think that the small amount of champagne and red wine caused this. It definitely couldn't have been the Sam Adams, Elijah Craig, or Jager shots. I drank a lot of Jager and bourbon.

I also danced a lot. One of Kelley's friends got drunk and had a really fun time running from one end of the dance floor, jumping, and having me catch her. At one point I was trying to get her to run into her husband's arms instead of mine. I wasn't paying attention, and as she jumped on me I tried to catch and ended up on the floor, her on top of me. Not one to let anyone think I am weak, I picked her up in my arms looking something like a drunk Frankenstein carrying an unconscious bride. As I lifted her and carried her to her husband Kelley came over to me laughing. I told her, "I think I ripped my pants." She was quick to point out that I had a hole right in my crotch. Fortunately this was at the tail end of the night, and I was drunk enough to not really care.

At another point I got touchy-feely drunk, and I don't remember it, but apparently I was trying to lift her dress up to pinch her butt. That kind of embarrasses me. Otherwise I think I did well throughout the evening.

I've been drinking since I got home, a beer here, a Southern Comfort cocktail there. I fear that if I stop the sickness might creep up on me. So with the exception of a headache, I woke up without a hangover. Still a little bit drunk. I haven't showered. There's probably a bit more Frankenstein look to me than I realize. Stinky and haggard.

Wednesday, January 5

I am safe and sound back in NJ. I got in last night at about 8:30. Yesterday my alarm clock didn't go off (Blackberry had a problem like the iPhone?), so I left later than I'd wanted. That being said, I only had to stop for gas once, I kept the car on cruise control for most of the day, and I only got stopped in traffic in f'n Pennsylvania where driving instructors apparently don't bother teaching anyone that if you're in the left lane, you had better be going faster than the cars in the right lane. Nothing pisses me off on these trips worse than slow cars in the passing lane, and I run into a ridiculous amount of them in PA.

I got home, unpacked, warmed up some food, and was ready to call it a night early. Then I got started on some work. Then around midnight I started dicking around with my PS3. Then I saw I had The Social Network loaded on there, so I started it thinking I would only watching about 15 minutes worth of it to see what it was like. At 2:45 a.m. I finished the movie and realized I couldn't have turned it off any earlier. I watched the entire movie. And it was awesome.

Its kind of nice being back home in my apartment. But I already want to be back in Louisville. I'm going to kick ass at work the next 3 months, then I start the "Promote Paul" Campaign. That campaign should take an additional 3-6 months, and then I hope to be promoted somewhere else. I'd really like to get to Chicago, St. Louis, or somewhere on this side of the Mississippi River. I had thought about moving somewhere out west, but then Kelley raised a really good point. I wouldn't be able to drive home whenever I wanted, and flights are about twice to thrice as much. And I don't want to pay out the nose to see you all over some random 3-day holiday that I stretch into two weeks. So I'm thinking I'd stay in the Midwest-East Coast areas. I just looked it up, and the drive from New Orleans to Louisville is much shorter than the drive from NYC to Louisville, so maybe I'll look in that direction...

Top Ten Lists
Movies
10. The A-Team
9. Despicable Me
8. Iron Man 2
7. Chloe
6. Kick-Ass
5. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
4. Machete
3. Predators
2. Inception
1. Piranha 3D

Music
10. The Eels - Tomorrow Morning
9. Kid Cudi - Man on the Moon 2
8. Ratatat - LP4
7. Carolina Chocolate Drops - Genuine Negro Jig
6. Glitchmob - Drink the Sea
5. Mux Mool - Skulltaste
4. Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
3. Yeasayer - Odd Blood
2. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
1. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes - Up From Below

Villains of 2010
10. Mel Gibson
9. Will.I.Am
8. Jersey Shore Cast
7. Kim Jong Un
6. Russell Edgington - True Blood
5. Glenn Beck
4. John Calipari
3. Sarah Palin
2. Kim Jong Il
1. [name redacted]

Ghostbusters Redux

2011-01-07T10:13:00.002-05:00

I found these trailers on YouTube. They're pretty dope. They also fuel my fire to write a third Ghostbusters movie set in post-9/11 NYC. It would be pretty heavy and would fit in Ghostbusters continuity as well as the 2008 video game.

Where I'm From (pre-1996)

2010-12-04T22:01:00.005-05:00

Feast your eyes on the beautiful patchwork quilt that is rural Northwestern Ohio.

This was one of the prettiest locations I've ever lived in, and I credit it for giving me such a strong attraction to trees. I don't ever want to have a home without some greenery. That house also had an epic deck (necessary for grilling and parties), a barn (necessary for projects and macho outdoor things), and an awesome full finished basement with a pool table, fireplace, office, living room, kitchen, and bathroom (necessary for cranking it up to 11).

Looking at the picture, its pretty obvious that we weren't in close proximity to big cities. Hell, I don't think there were even cable lines going out there. When my family moved to Louisville in 1996 my sisters and I were kind of overloaded with all the amenities we had at our fingertips.

That being said, though, when my time comes to raise a family, I'd take a home like this into consideration. We had a lot of privacy. We had a lot of space to adventure in. We developed a strong work ethic (mowing, raking, collecting maple sap, etc.). And we had awesome parties. There was just a lot of room to grow.

I don't think I'll ever get used to living so close to a neighbor that I can look in their windows or hear their music playing from next door. And it makes me manic when I see new mini-mansions being built close to another home. Why wouldn't a builder want some space? Where are all the trees?

Oh well. I suppose its all part of growing up and adapting to your environment. I think I adapted to Louisville relatively quickly. And I feel comfortable now in the NYC area. The traffic has never bothered me. I still get amazed by how many people live so close to each other here. There are probably 3x as many people in a city block in NYC than there were in the entire village I went to school in. Also, check out this statistic from Wikipedia:

The racial makeup of the village was 99.48% White, 0.15% African American, and 0.37% from two or more races.Hispanic or Latino of any race were 0.22% of the population.

Its incredible how big a village like that can seem to a child, and how small it seems now that I'm living up here. I suppose anyone makes that realization when they get older. There's always a bigger picture to take into consideration. I try to keep this in mind whenever I begin to feel like I'm the center of the universe. There's so much out in the world to learn. There are so many people in the world to meet. So much to see. So much to taste. So many places to go. Geez.

College Football Winding Down

2010-12-04T17:15:00.007-05:00

I'm already nostalgic for college football. We still have this weekend's championship games, and then bowl games through the end of the year...and then, like that, its gone.

The good news with the end of college football, though, is that Oregon-Oregon State is a great game. South Carolina is going to lose, but they're playing Auburn tough, and its a fun game to watch. With Oregon and Auburn winning, though, we're going to be treated to two high-powered offenses playing in the National Title Game. Boise State is out, so I don't have that to fret about.

And I stick by the fact that I wouldn't mind TCU in the title game if one of these teams (Auburn and Oregon) lose. TCU plays some tougher teams, and they're going to be in the Big East in 2012, so I can dig it.

Ohio State will *probably* get into a BCS game. I think that's a lock, actually. Louisville should be getting into a bowl game. This has been a good, good season.

Still scratching my head at how South Carolina could lose to UK this year and subsequently cost me two 6-packs. The team did redeem themselves by beating Florida and earning me three 6-packs. So I'll take it.

And with the end of football comes college basketball. College basketball is my second favorite sport to watch. The biggest problem with it, though, is that its scheduled to play all days of the week. One of the coolest things about college football is that you can count on Saturdays being 'FOOTBALL DAY.' Cooking, drinking, cleaning, napping, drinking some more, talking trash. Its all encapsulated nicely in one macho day or irresponsibility. I can't afford to be this rugged and irresponsible every night of the week. So the fire loses some of its fuel with college basketball.

That being said, college basketball is a nice way to coast into the spring and easing the foot off the gas. And then from March to August the hot rod that is Paul's attention to sports sits idle, covered in tarp, parked in the garage. This will inevitably lead to me going back to 7-day work weeks.

OTHER RAMBLINGS

- The Land, Sea, and Air Sandwich Challenge!

You take a hamburger, a chicken sandwich, and a fish sandwich and combine all three patties under one bun.

http://college-football.blogs.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/24156338/26221618

- While Pitt and Cincinnati are currently playing in the snow, it seems that someone got a bit too carried away playingwith the snow. The Cincinnati mascot was detained by police and ejected from the stadium on Saturday, and had to be replaced. Why?

Because he was throwing snowballs into the crowd, and when police asked him to stop, he didn't. Something that then causes this to happen.

- Duncan made a brilliant observation. Auburn needs to consolidate their mascots. They have War Eagles. They have Tigers. A good compromise for them would be the Sphinxes.

- David wanted to argue with me about Duke. I told him the only research I would do about Duke basketball is research into what kind of magical spells and curses they recited to get a Deadite onto their team.

- Did you know that Olivia Wilde's real last name is Cockburn? It has long been a matter of principle that I wouldn't sleep with any woman whose last name sounds like it could be an STD. I'm very conflicted right now.

- I dislike LG, but I like Pond Man

Reminds me of Swamp Thing or Man-Thing

Thursday

2010-12-02T21:13:00.001-05:00

Stash Jackin'

2010-11-07T09:02:00.003-05:00

I Believe in Monsters

2010-11-02T16:46:00.003-04:00

I don't remember what I was dreaming about last night. I think it was something related to what I had watched before I went to bed (though I don't remember what that was, either). But I woke up a couple hours before my alarm was set to go off and felt like I needed to write this down. I couldn't find a pencil, so I decided to just type it out. Enjoy.

I believe in monsters.

I believe there are people who think the best way to support their lifestyle is by criticizing others’ lifestyles.

I believe there is an absence of consideration in some people.

I believe there is an absence of empathy in some people.

I believe there are people who make art, and conversely there are monsters that look at art and tell you why it’s wrong.

I believe there are people that write or sing or draw or dance, and conversely there are monsters that anticipate explaining why these expressions are no good.

I believe that there are monsters that take pleasure in capping other people’s smiles.

I believe that there are monsters that enjoy taking away other people’s enjoyment.

I believe some monsters do not know they are monsters. These monsters think they are just like everyone else.

I believe there are monsters that enjoy being monsters.

I believe there are monsters that hate monsters.

I believe some monsters are born monsters.

I believe some people are shaped into monsters through circumstances they do not control or sometimes even recognize.

I believe there are some monsters that are scared of other monsters. Some of these fearful monsters change back to people when they see that they are a monster. Some monsters scared of other monsters do not want to change. They want to stay monsters.

I believe monsters are sometimes good people that are having a bad day. At the end of a bad day, monsters can be good people, too.

I think I will make some art to accompany this. It reads to me like a kid's book, so there will most likely be cartoons.

College Football Celebration

2010-10-23T16:21:00.016-04:00

I'm glad that the College Football gods are smiling on me today.

OSU kicked ass. Louisville is going to be putting on a good show against UCONN. Texas got upset. Notre Dame got romped upon. Both Pitt and Rutgers looked unimpressive (which will make the road to a bowl game that much easier for Louisville). And Michigan State almost got beat by Northwestern.

So I'm in an upbeat mood. Whereas last weekend all of my teams lost, this week we're looking strong. Also, I'm still undefeated in my fantasy college football league.

So I'm working out new recipes for both food and cocktails. Muy excellente.

Friday Night..

APPLEJACK MANHATTAN:

Built like a regular bourbon manhattan, but with Applejack.

Equal parts Applejack and Sweet Vermouth

1 dash of bitters

3 ice cubes

Saturday afternoon....

BOURBAREE:

1 part lime juice

1 part honey

1 dash bitters

3 parts bourbon

8 ice cubes

blend and serve

Makes plenty of cocktail action

This came out looking like a tall glass of orange juice with a lot of pulp. It is very aromatic. My only complaint is that with the ice, the honey didn't mix well at all. I can still taste plenty of it in my drink, but next time I might just skip the honey and use some of Wild Turkey's American Honey Liqueur. OR, if the Evan Williams version (at a fraction of the cost) was available in New Jersey, I'd use that instead.

DRUNKEN HOT DOGS:

As my drunk blood brother would say, "zOMG!" This is the best barbecue sauce I've ever freestyled! I tried to follow the instructions from my Bourbon Cookbook, but I had to improvise because I was missing some otherwise obvious ingredients (I didn't have enough ketchup, so I added a small 8 ounce can of tomato sauce, and I didn't have any worcestershire sauce, so I used Sesame Garlic Asian sauce).

1 lb hot dogs

3/4 cup bourbon (I used Evan Williams)

1 tsp worcestershire sauce (substituted Sesame Garlic Asian sauce)

1/8 tsp Tabasco

1.5 cups ketchup (substituted with 1/2 cup ketchup + 8 oz tomato sauce)

3/4 cup brown sugar

1 tablespoon grated onion

Cut hotdogs into half-inch slices. Simmer with rest of ingredients for one hour in frying pan. If liquid dries too much, add more bourbon.

The sauce didn't really dry out, but I added 1/4 cup more bourbon at the 45-minute mark anyhow. I only used a 1/2 pound of hotdogs, too. Also, I could have put this into a small pot instead of a frying pan, and it would have worked just as well, if not better. Also, next time I will use Lil' Smokies instead of hotdogs. The hotdogs themselves didn't soak in any taste (I don't they ever do), but the sauce rocked crazy Les-Miles-Voodoo-Hat hard. So I'll use this sauce again. It would be great with chicken wings or ribs (beef or pork). The only way I would alter this would be to add honey (if you don't think its sweet enough) or liquid smoke (especially if you're not grilling this). Otherwise, its good to go. And, the more I think about it, the more I prefer the substitutions I used.

HOT BUTTERED BOURBON: (from The Bourbon Cookbook by Tom Hoge)

boiling water

1 lump of sugar

1 pat of butter

3 oz bourbon (I used Old Turkey 101)

Warm up a bourbon glass (I did this by taking a glass, filling half-way with water, then putting into the microwave, and warmed with "8 oz. beverage warmer" setting)

Boil pot of water

Place sugar in warmed whiskey glass

Fill 2/3 of the glass with boiling water

Add butter

Fill rest of the way with bourbon

Well, I maintain my position that bourbon is ok strait with ice. Its harder for me to drink as a shot. And it gets incredibly more difficult to drink when its hot. This doesn't taste bad by any means, but whenever I drink a hot bourbon drink, the bourbon taste really dominates. I don't see any evidence of the butter in this drink, with the exception of the gradually-dissipating froth on the top of the cocktail. I can barely taste the sugar, but there's just a *hint* of it there. The drink itself is perfect for a cold day, and it completely cleared my sinuses with the first drink. My recipe claimed that this would be the perfect drink if you just spent a day out in the snow. And I totally agree. After making a snowman or sledding or skiing, this would be the perfect drink to thaw whatever chilled your bones. Much better than any other cocktail or beer.

After letting this drink cool off a little bit, its much easier to drink. Still, I would use a better-than-average bourbon if you're going to serve it hot. Any weaknesses in a bourbon

are exaggerated even more when its served warm, in my opinion. I love Wild Turkey 101 as a standard go-to bourbon for shots or served neat or drinking right from the bottle. But served warm? I'd go to Maker's or something higher shelf. Maker's should be the standard for this drink.

SIDENOTE: I'm starting to get tired. Time for a second wind...and dinner...and more cocktails...

UPDATE: It took me a while to gather my second wind, but I got there, and I made dinner. And I'm glad I did.

Dinner ended up being Pecan Fried Chicken with Buttnernut Squash Soup and a big 22 oz. Southern Tier Pumking Imperial Ale. It was one of the best meals I've made for myself in a long time. I've made good meals for myself here and there, usually with a highlight entree and some forgettable sides. Not so fast! Today was a solid day of food and cocktails.

This is the finished product. And it looks decent decked out in my only plateware...which happens to be fall colored year-round.

BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP:

6 tbsp chopped onion

4 tbsp margarine or butter

6 cups peeled and cubed butternut squash

3 cups water

4 cubes chicken bouillon

1/2 tsp dried marjoram

1/4 tsp ground black pepper

1/8 tsp ground cayenne pepper

2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese

1. In a large saucepan, saute onions in margarine until tender. Add squash, water, bouillon, marjoram, and peppers. Bring to boil; cook 20 minutes, or until squash is tender.

2. Puree squash and cream cheese in a blender or food processor in batches until smooth. Return to saucepan and heat through. Do not allow to boil.

This was relatively easy to make. The only foil in my plans came with my blender decided to separate and split in half. There was a pureed squash and cream cheese explosion in my kitchen. It pissed me off to no end, and I found myself needing to drink a lot of beer to compensate. There was seriously a layer of pastel yellow goo all over the place. I turned my iPod onto the most mellow of all instrumental playlists, cleaned the kitchen up, drank a lot of beer, and started from scratch. The end product was delicious, and the only recommendations I can make would be to add more squash -AND- don't use a cheap blender.

PECAN FRIED CHICKEN

3 boneless skinless chicken breasts (pppffftttt...boneless)

1 cup pecans

1/2 cup panko crumbs

1/2 tsp cayenne pepper

1/2 tsp ground black pepper

1/2 tsp dried basil

1/2 tsp dried oregano

1/4 tsp salt

1 egg

2 tbsp water

2 tbsp olive oil

Put pecans, panko crumbs, cayenne, black pepper, basil, oregano, and salt in a food processor. Pulse the mixture until finely ground. Transfer mixture to a large plate.

Whisk together the egg and water in a shallow dish.

Dip each piece of chicken into the egg mixture, then dip in the pecan mixture making sure to coat all surfaces. Set aside.

Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add chicken breasts and cook until browned (3-4 minutes). Turn and repeat on second side. Transfer to a plate and cover to keep warm, repeat process with remaining chicken breasts.

I also cooked some white onion and green peppers while I was frying the chicken. They served as a fine side with the chicken and soup. The only thing I wish I would have made along with this would have been some toast. It would have complimented the soup well. Otherwise, this was a delicious, complete meal.

The Southern Tier Imperial Pumking Ale was such a welcome compliment to this meal, too. I had my first ever ale from the brewery last weekend. It was an excellent addition to this meal, too.

HOT BUTTERED BOURBON version 2: (From the Evan Williams Distillery's "Cooking With Bourbon" pamphlet)

2.5 oz bourbon

6 oz apple cider

1 tsp brown sugar

1 cinnamon stick

1 tsp butter

dash of nutmeg

Heat everything except cinnamon, butter, and nutmeg in a sauce pan. Pour into a warm mug. Add cinnamon stick and butter and stir. Sprinkle with nutmeg.

This version of Hot Buttered Bourbon is much, much mellower. The other version is very dependent on the quality of the bourbon. This version is much more dependent on the cider. So whatever the quality of bourbon you use, the drink is much more forgiving. Whether you drink this cocktail warm or cool, the cider plays the complimentary partner to the drink, and it really softens whatever chunky imperfections a bourbon might bring with it.

When I first served this a couple years ago, Mike was kind of skitterish about butter being in his drink. He loved cider. He was learning to love bourbon. But the thought of butter being in his drink freaked him out. Later, Lauren and Taylor shared similar reactions. Its funny, because butter isn't something you expect in a cocktail, but I don't think anyone would mind if they didn't know any better. Its definitely an insulating ingredient to the cocktail, possibly inasmuch as cider is. So I'm tempted to not tell people that there's any butter at all in the drink.

So it goes.

Missouri just beat Oklahoma. Oregon should be the consensus number 1 in college football. This means Ohio State and Michigan State should both move up in the polls. I can't imagine Missouri gaining leverage over either team. I can only hope that neither Boise State or TCU take top spot. I'll be cheering for Oregon for the rest of the season (unless either BS or TCU get upset at some point). It doesn't look like Ohio State will end up in the National Championship Game, but here's hoping for another top 5 finish.

Enjoying 17 hours of college football is one of those unique experiences that require just the right balance of ingredients. Today I had all of mine, and they lined up perfectly. Good games, good food, and good drink.

A-Trak feat. CyHi Da Prynce - Ray-Ban Vision [NEW SONG 2010]

2010-10-22T11:01:00.000-04:00

Chilled in New Jersey

2010-10-22T10:58:00.001-04:00

It is strait up cold in NJ. I'm being stubborn and not turned my heat on. All summer I dealt with having a hot apartment. Its just expected when you live on the second floor. So I compensated by having the ACs on almost all the time. But I guess my downstairs neighbors haven't turned their heat on yet, because I'm not benefiting from any of their heat. I'm always wearing slippers in the apartment, and I'm afraid the shorts are about to get packed away. I'm wearing jackets into all of my store calls now. I can barely afford to drive with the windows down anymore. And I started using heat in the car this week.

On the one hand, the leaves changing colors up here are beautiful. There's a tree in the back that's turned a brilliant red/orange. The skyline in New York state is wonderful, too. Greens and browns and reds. There are actually advertisements for leaf-tours where a bus drives people into this part of the state just to take pictures of the fall nature. So that's nice.

But darn it, I am chilled. When I drink tea in the morning, my glasses get fogged up from the temperature differential. Its definitely become casserole and roast season.

TRUE STORY: I Recently Unearthed an Old Tome

2010-10-08T09:19:00.026-04:00

On a hike through the Hudson Valley, I recently unearthed an old tome. I was in one of the coldest, darkest forest valleys I've ever seen. The ground was dark black, a fuzzy brown mold covered any exposed wood, and I couldn't see any animals or hear any birds, but I'll be damned if I didn't hear small creatures darting through leaves and dodging behind trees.

At one point of my hike through this dark valley I was resting, reaching into my pack to get a bottle of water. I had packed everything tight, so when I finally fished out the slippery bottle, it tumbled out of my hands and into a pile of rocks. I hadn't noticed the rock pile before, and upon further examination I realized someone must have put the pile there. I kicked at it a bit and revealed this book. Somehow it wasn't wet or moldy at all. In fact, with the exception of browned pages from age, it looked like it had been preserved perfectly.

As I drank my water and rested, I flipped through the book, reading several passages out loud. The story itself shook me with terror. The more I read, the more I noticed the sounds of chattering animals growing louder. Not wanting to endanger myself, I shoved the book into my pack and hiked the hell out of there. The hair on the back of my neck didn't rest until I got home, though I continued to shiver throughout the night.

Here, for your reading pleasure, I present the passages of the book that most frightened me:

CHAPTER ONE: Hitchcock Introduction

"Good evening, fellow necromaniacs. I'm glad so many of you could come. I should explain that the word has nothing to do with necking. I'm awfully sorry. I don't have time to explain it now. You'll just have to look it up in the dictionary. As you know, we are not allowed to present out play unless we have a quorum. Tonight we are concerned with those three little words: WHO DONE IT? When our story opens, the more sordid details are safely out of the way, for the hero of tonight's Grand Guignol is already quite dead."

CHAPTER TWO: THE SLEEPER

Bank guard Cassius Johnson settles into his desk for the night. He kicks his feet up, settles back in his office chair, looks at the family picture he keeps on his desk, and watches the monitors to make sure nothing happens to the area he's employed to protect. The walls of his small office are decorated with pictures of his family, memorabilia from his vacations, and awards presented to him for the achievements he's reached throughout his career. Awards for his time on the police force, for his command of the post at the prison as head guard, and now at this position as a bank guard.

But for the first time in his career, he's been battling sleep this week. And no matter how much coffee he has been drinking, he's still struggling to stop yawning. On this night, kicked back in his chair, eyes rubbed to the point of the being bloodshot, he rests his head back, and for the first time in his career, he falls asleep on the job.

Enter the criminals. As Cassius Johnson slumbers, three hooded villains are seen scrambling through the back entrance to the bank. As they approach the guards office, one of the figures unscrews a heating vent revealing a small machine that has been emitting a gas into Cassius' office. They tie the guard to his chair, never waking him. The villains then proceed to the bank vault.

epilogue to chapter two:

In a dark lair in what appears to be a cavern, a hideous creature is seen sitting in a throne built of entrails, writing in a journal. All that can be seen of this creature are its red eyes, reflecting the flames of a fire burning hot in the middle of this cavern. The creature grunts and wheezes, breathing heavily and writing ferociously. Interrupted by a clatter of noise at the entrance of his cavern, the creature looks up to see a humanoid creature slowly crawling towards his throne. The lesser creature offers a tribute to the royal creature before beginning his prayer:

"I am here oh great and mighty Tyrannus. What is your will?"

Tyrannus looks up from his book, snarling at the interruption, and responds. "I have used my power to infect the bats with a thirst for blood and destruction. Release them against the humans!"

CHAPTER THREE: MONSTER

Tyrannus' evil bats are released through a system of cavernous tunnels. As they shriek and search for the nearest exit they form an underground cloud of unified terror. Suddenly, one of the beasts unleashes a scream louder than the rest, seemingly guiding them. It has found light. The cloud explodes in the direction of this sliver of light.

With the bank guard tied up, the three masked villains are in the bank vault, arguing amongst each other about who will get what fraction of "the haul." They bicker and insult each other as they work, pulling drawer after drawer, stack after stack of dollar bills out. In the back left corner of the vault is an old chest that seems to be grounded to the floor, anchored somehow. The villain that had secured the gas-emitting device in the guard's office appears to be something of a mechanical genius. He limps back to his tool box and produces a high-tech saw that he uses to free the the chest from its restraints.

As the trio pulls the chest back to examine its prize, they fail to notice that a piece of the vault's floor has been ripped up. The group does notice, however, that the vault begins to shake. Then they notice the lights beginning to flicker and an audible buzz coming from what appears to be all around them. Then darkness. They reach out in the darkness, grabbing onto each other for security, whispering doubts. When the lights come back on they are relieved to feel the shaking and buzzing has stopped. They pause and look around until finally they're content to resume stealing from the bank. Just as they return to work, huge, lumbering bats begin crawling through the hole in the back of the vault. Each member of the gang tries to run but is overpowered by a bat.

Later, at a hospital, each robber is handcuffed to a bed, hooked up to numerous monitors, unconscious . They have been separated into different quarantined rooms. Masks removed, the gang is revealed. One is a tan-skinned woman. One is an older man with thick glasses. The other is a man with no hair, no eyebrows, and no eyelashes.

The monitors which had been reading steady patterns begin to spike. The machines begin to shake and spark. Simultaneously across all three rooms, the monitors explode. The gang each wakes up in their separate rooms. Panicking and realizing that their heist has been foiled, they feel desperate and angry. Apart from each other, each begins to suspect that another had betrayed them. As their anger intensifies, strange things begin to happen. Each villain begins to change.

What appears to be circuits and wires begin to grow out of the older man, the mechanical genius. Slowly the electrical components and wires overtake the man's flesh. He has become completely hardwired, taking the shape of a crab-like humanoid. Steam and mist are expelled from the new robo-man until the room is too foggy to see through. When the smoke clears, the man has disappeared. His laughter can be heard coming from sporadic intercoms scattered throughout the hospital.

The hairless man's eyes open wide, panicked. His begins to cry, but the tears thicken and go from clear to black, oily. His eyes then become black. His jaw appears to dislocate and open wider than any human's should. He screams and slowly fades from view, dissipating like a bad television signal. Before he fades completely, his visage is distorted and stretched.

The woman smiles, realizes something has changed, and snaps free of her restraints. She sits up and rips free of the handcuffs. She finds the clothes she was brought in with, changes, and puts her ski mask back on. She opens the door to her room and begins brutally slaughtering the guards assigned to watch her room. Next she systematically hides, darting in and out of hospital rooms, killing bystanders, until she is out of the hospital. With each murder she appears to grow in stature. She witnesses her growth after killing her sixth victim, a bad driver. Her legs extend and she has to move the driver's seat back as she drives off in her new vehicle. She reaches back and feels something odd on the back of her head. She pulls her hand back to expose clumps of hair she's shed. She feels the back of her head and feels cold metal. She drives off laughing maniacally.

The world has just witnessed the birth of three monsters: Master Crack, Phantasm, and Queen Kong.

CHAPTER FOUR: GO TO SLEEP

The Phantasm monster rematerializes somewhere he doesn't recognize. Its cold. He doesn't know what is happening. He is angry and confused. The woman he had loved was the planner, the schemer. She got him into this mess. With each swing of his unstable emotions his body becomes more and more distorted. Phantasm remembers being an up-and-coming sleep psychiatrist, married and successful, expecting a child with his wife.

That is until one of his patients claimed he had hypnotized and raped her. He lost all of his clients during the trials. His wife lost her child. His colleagues explained that she lost the baby due to stress incurred from the accusations about her husband. She divorced him without ever giving him the chance to explain himself.

He met the woman in line at the unemployment office. She flirted with him aggressively, seemingly attracted to his knowledge of big words. They had an affair. He began sleeping on the couch at her apartment. When she came to him with a plot to rob a bank, he weighed his options and decided he had nothing left to lose. He developed a sleep gas that would be used to negate any guards at the bank. And he doesn't remember what happened after they pulled the chest out of the corner of the bank's vault.

Now, with some unexplained powers, Phantasm rocks back and forth on the floor of this cold place, sobbing. He tries to sleep, but something strange happens every time he closes his eyes. He can't sleep. He's inside other people's dreams. He realizes the potential to change his plot in life by manipulating people's dreams with this new power. The possibilities seem endless. As he searches through people's dreams he looks for his wife. He manipulates lawyers and judges, his former colleagues and friends, desperate to change his life. When he meets conflicts, he manipulates people's sleep patterns, causing them to fall asleep in their cars and have fatal accidents, or in some cases cause them to be so sleep deprived that they're more susceptible to his dream suggestions.

CHAPTER FIVE: LOOKIN FOR YA

As Phantasm travels through the dreams of the public, he stumbles across Hardwire. Revealing himself and his powers to Master Crack, the two agree to hunt for Queen Kong, reforming their gang. Master Crack appears humanoid, though he retains the claws that come with his new crab-like appearance. Still, he has the ability to become a fluid entity of wires and circuitry, able to squeeze under doors and through wall outlets. It appears he can also manipulate electronics and computers. With Master Crack's ability to access any and all electronic information and Phantasm's ability to float from dream to dream, the two are on the hunt for their third monster teammate. Along the way they cause an unstoppable path of death and misery. They can't explain their urge to find Queen Kong. It feels innate. Something is pulling them.

epilogue to chapter five:

Queen Kong abandoned the stolen taxi weeks ago and has been following her instincts to travel underground, isolated from the public. She stalks subways, sewers, and ditches on her way out West. She feels pulled in an in explicable direction, to a destination she's never been. Whenever she is discovered, she is quick to murder any witnesses. From her small form she has grown to almost six feet tall. She feels her form getting bulkier and the metal that she had felt at the base of her skull has grown in patches along her spine as well.

CHAPTER SIX: CRABBUCKIT

Master Crack and Phantasm, working in tandem, have infiltrated high levels of the government. They have stumbled upon a trail of carnage that can only be Queen Kong. To find her and isolate her they have manipulated several platoons of soldiers, but to gain such access they have destroyed the minds of many high-ranking military officials. No matter how many squads of armed men they send to Queen Kong they cannot reach through to her, nor can they access her mind. Before any of their emissaries can talk to her she shreds them. Convinced that trying to reach her through the manipulation of others will not work, they decide to send one more swarm of soldiers and vehicles to stop her so they can talk to her.

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE OPPOSITE OF ADULTS

Unknown to her, Queen Kong has been battling the forces her two former partners have sent after her to slow her down to reunite with them. She can't explain why these men continue to pursue her, but it doesn't matter, because she cannot be killed. Her metallic hide can't be punctured, and the rest of her heals quickly from any other injury she incurs.

Clumsy and inattentive to their surroundings, the team of Master Crack and Phantasm send an aggressive military force into a small town community to round up Queen Kong. Unbeknownst to Master Crack and Phantasm, one of their military generals is an overly-aggressive man, intent on bringing in Queen Kong by any means necessary. The general tracks Queen Kong to a tunnel running underneath a playground busy with children. Desperate to stop her, the general tries to flood the tunnel with nuclear waste, convinced that if bullets and explosions won't stop her, perhaps a soft-nuclear option will work.

Counting down from five, the general plans on sending in a wave of the waste. For good luck, he drops a live grenade in with the waste. Unfortunately, the general is swept up in the wave of nuclear waste, exploding directly underneath the playground. Queen Kong wipes the waste from her person and flees, unscathed. The general and the children stand, trying to escape the sledge. However, the swell of waste begins to pull in on itself, dragging the general and the children together in a solid form of toxic sledge.

Pulling itself upright, this new terrifying entity screams, dripping waste wherever it crawls. It towers over homes. The conscious of each child is shared by the new monster, and each child wants to go home. The general's mind is in this new monster as well. It screams again, not knowing where home is, but aware that it must follow Queen Kong. It heads west, following the trail Queen Kong leaves. Along the way, the police and the military try to stop the Heap. Anyone that crosses its path is absorbed and eventually dissolved into the toxic creature. With each addition to its cluster, the Heap grows, crying louder and louder. No one knows if its cries are of pain or of anger. All anyone knows is that it cannot be stopped.

Realizing that they've gotten themselves into more of a mess than they would like to handle, Master Crack and Phantasm leave the military, killing anyone they had inhabited to cover their tracks. They sneak into a passing semi-truck and ride West, again pulled by some unknown force.

CHAPTER EIGHT: REMEMBER HIS NAME

Witnessing the events of the disasters in the Midwest from their underground lair in California, the hip-hop group Jurassic 5 monitors the westward progress of the monsters. They also discover something the media and the police have missed, a trail of murders following but unrelated to the monsters. They don't know it, but they've discovered Master Crack and Phantasm.

DJ Nu-Mark, the scientist, collaborates with his lab partner, Cut Chemist to analyze some of the sledge left behind by the Heap. They recognize its nuclear-genetic patterns and create an enzyme that will allow them to control the beast. But before they use the enzyme, they decide to study the woman monster the Heap is following as well as the path of murders that follow the two.

Before the creation of the Heap, they notice that the mysterious path of sleepless military officials and scrambled electronics seemingly two steps behind the underground murders committed by Queen Kong. Since the creation of the Heap, no military or government departments have reported these experiences, but there are loads of police reports of accidents among truck drivers, most of the truckers reporting lack of sleep or scrambled equipment inside their trucks.

Using all of the resources at their disposal, and relying on the combined strength each individual's unique abilities, Jurassic 5 concludes that it is time to confront the monstrosities. After extensive research, they have put together a plan. Akil, the pilot, flies the J5 helicopter in front of the creature they have named Queen Kong. Zaakir, the daredevil dives out of the helicopter and, using his infra-red-monster-radar locates Queen Kong. Upon finding her, he uses his agility to scramble to avoid her punches and claws, and he straps a jetpack to her. Remotely, DJ Nu-Mark, the scientist of the team, detonates the jet pack, and Queen Kong is launched into space.

Unable to follow Queen Kong any further, the Heap lurches to the last location she had touched earth. Having tracked her as far as it could go, the Heap stops and begins wailing, crying into the air. Everything is going according to the plan Jurassic 5 had put together. Chali 2na, the strong and slow-witted member of Jurassic 5 dons his mystic Power Glove. The force of the Power Glove relieves him of his mind but gives him incredible size and strength. As his eyes go blood red he grows to match the size of the Heap and punches him with the Power Glove, unfazed by the Heap's toxic presence. With each punch, the Heap is slowly dissolved into smaller pieces until the monster is scattered into hundreds of small clumps of nuclear sludge.

Jurassic 5 is directed by Cut Chemist and DJ Nu-Mark to collect each clump in individual lead-lined containers, saving the planet.

first epilogue of chapter eight:
Cassius Johnson, the bank guard, is in a hospital, still unconscious from the original bank robbery/mutant bat fiasco. His wife is sitting by his side, holding his hand. She sits, night after night, waiting for Cassius to wake from whatever ailment he’s suffering from. The doctors say he’s not in a coma, but they can’t explain why he isn’t moving or responding to tests. Occasionally his eyes flutter, but they don’t open. His fists clench, but they never touch.

second epilogue to chapter eight:
As the lead-lined containers are stored in J5's underground bunker, a pallet of containers is diverted to a waiting truck, driven by two shadowy figures. Cut Chemist signs off on the truck’s manifest and watches it leave J5’s compound. As the truck exits, Cut Chemist is seen shaking his head and yawning.

The truck’s occupants are actually Master Crack and Phantasm. Master Crack had infiltrated J5’s inventory system and Phantasm had hypnotized Cut Chemist. The two drive off with a pallet of Heap pieces.

Later in the night, DJ Nu-Mark notices Cut Chemist's change in behavior and realizes what has happened. The two entities of destruction that had followed Queen Kong and the Heap are not only still out there, but they infiltrated Jurassic 5's compound. "Master Crack and Phantasm will be back!"

CHAPTER NINE: THE TERROR (intermission)

CHAPTER TEN: DON'T TURN THE LIGHTS ON

With pieces of Heap, Master Crack and Phantasm reverse their westward trajectory and go back east. On the way, they are unknowingly affected by exposure to Heap. They don't notice the fact that they aren't stopping for food or drink as often. They don't notice that days and nights begin to shrink shorter and shorter. They don't notice that they're starting to develop secondary mutations. Phantasm is stretched and distorted even further. He begins to slip in and out of people's dreams unintentionally, and he has a difficult time distinguishing between dream and reality. Master Crack outgrows his skin and begins building "shells" out of metallic debris. He also develops a thirst for blood. The pair begin to resemble the monsters they are, losing their humanoid appearance.

They travel in the back of tractor trailers in the dark. Once they return to their city, close to the scene of the crime, a truck driver discovers them and screams in terror. They snap back to reality, realizing their mutated appearance. Using their combined powers, they discorporate the driver, spraying his remains on the walls of the trailer they had been riding in. Disgusted with their new appearance, they hide in the dark, waiting for their opportunity to either cure themselves or mutate the rest of the world into similarly disfigured creatures like themselves.

CHAPTER ELEVEN: DEMON WOMAN

Desperate to change their fates, Master Crack and Phantasm renew their criminal ways, systematically infiltrating government science centers. Phantasm re-enters members of the Jurassic 5 to learn what has happened to Queen Kong. When they learn that Queen Kong is still flying through space on one of Jurassic 5's jetpacks, Master Crack focuses his powers to the International Space Station. Once his conscience is transmitted on board, he begins to systematically focus his entity on building a space craft out of spare parts to harness Queen Kong's trajectory. Phantasm enters the dreams of the astronauts on board the ISS and manipulates their actions to assist in tracking Queen Kong.

CHAPTER TWELVE: BRAIN STEW

Combining their powers, Master Crack and Phantasm search the International Space Station to salvage anything they can to reach out to Queen Kong. They discover a special space reconnaissance experiment on board the space station testing the effects of human cloning in zero gravity. Reaching upon Master Crack's superior mechanical engineering ability, they create a colony on Mars to act as an incubator for the cloning of potential new bodies for themselves. The new colony will also act as a half-way point between Queen Kong's expected trajectory and Earth.

They conspire to send one unmanned space craft to retrieve Queen Kong and bring her to the colony to study how to return to their original bodies. Simultaneously they will begin cloning a squad of multiple bodies to use as hosts if they cannot revert their physical changes. If all goes to plan, Queen Kong will be back and in their laboratory and the pair of monsters will have a large supply of potential host bodies. Expending great power to achieve their goals, the two exhaust themselves both physically and mentally.

Meanwhile, on earth, Phantasm's power is stretched so thin that he accidentally makes a momentary psychic link with Cassius Johnson, killing him. Somehow Johnson's essence doesn't die, though. It is on a plane of existence within Phantasm's dream reality. Retaining all of his memories on earth, Johnson begins to live within Phantasm's dreams, systematically torturing the already-tortured monster. Johnson recognizes the monsters' plans, and he will exert as much of his will as he can to foil their schemes.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN - SUPER DOME

Despite his best efforts, Cassius Johnson can't alter the course of the actions already in motion. Queen Kong is successfully snagged and returned the monsters' new colony. The clones are multiplying rapidly in the zero gravity incubation chambers. Master Crack and Phantasm are slowly depleting the life force out of the crew of the International Space Station. And the remnants of the Heap, recently brought to the space colony are slowly gaining sentience.

None of the schemers involved anticipated what was to happen next. Due to a freak accident caused by the dream-deprived and increasingly unstable Phantasm, Queen Kong's consciousness and mutation was spread to a newly-awakened squad of clones. Master Crack and Queen Kong fled back to earth, leaving an army of foul-mouthed clones on the space colony. Phantasm cannot handle the combination of abandonment by Queen Kong and Master Crack and the constant exposure to cannibalistic obscenities espoused by the Queen Kong clones. Each clone has a metal scalp, each one behaving lewdly, each one learning and growing from the technology left behind by Master Crack and Phantasm. The clones conspire to return to Earth to take vengeance upon those that created them.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: THE BEST

Back on earth, Cassius Johnson's steadfast wife buries him. She holds her chin high through the ceremonies, holding hope that the memories of her best friend and husband are enough for her to carry on. Little does she know that her husband's essence lives on. And he will be a savior in the coming days...

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: AIN'T NO GRAVE

He had been piggy-backing inside of Phantasm's dream world, and when the squad of Queen Kong clones was awakened he was given access to their collective consciousness as well. His presence is augmented with the addition of access to the clones' dreamworlds. He is able to travel the galaxy and land in his wife's dreamworld. He inspires her but simultaneously distracts her. He realizes the conundrum and transfers his conscience back and forth between his wife and the clones on Mars.

Meanwhile, the clones are organizing and begin using the leftover technology to rein in passing asteroids, boarding them, and guiding them towards earth.

Realizing the danger, Cassius Johnson taps into Phantasm's dreamworld and using his inherent power, transfers Johnson's essence into the body that had been buried. What Johnson's wife and doctors hadn't realized was that, though his body was still and non-responsive, he was still half-alive. With his conscience back home, Cassius Johnson was awake, and he began clawing and pulling at the coffin he had been buried in. He was convinced that he would be able to be with his wife again.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: TOO MUCH

As the Queen Kong clones board asteroids and make their ways towards earth, Cassius Johnson recognizes the danger heading towards his home. He is able to induce a sleep state with the help of his wife. In this sleep state he can enter the minds of the clones and force them to decomission their own asteroid spacecraft, committing kamikaze into the earth's atmosphere. But there are so many. Can Cassius Johnson destroy them all?

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: HEADS WILL ROLL

Cassius Johnson tries his hardest to destruct each of the incoming clones asteroids, but it proves too large a task. He channels the powers given to him by Phantasm and reaches out for help. He gets Master Crack and Queen Kong to commit their powers to stopping the invading clones. He reaches out to Jurassic 5 and gets promises of their assistance, as well. Things look to be up for heroes.

Unfortunately, some asteroids DO reach the earth. As they crash into the ground, the contingency of heroes fights valiantly, finishing most of the clones before they are able to crawl out of their individual craters. Some of the unarmed clones, shrieking foul-mouthed obscenities, escape their craters and begin attacking the heroes, most of them falling to the heroes. As asteroids crash into earth, in some places the asteroids strike the earth and break through the ground, exposing huge channels and caverns.

Queen Kong didn't realize it, but as she traveled underground across the country, in some cases she was passing through tunnels that were not man made, rather they had been dug by the same mutant bats that had erupted from the same bank vault tunnel that caused the manifestation of her powers. As the asteroids burn through the atmosphere and crash into the ground, tunnels and caverns are exposed, and thousands of these blood-thirsty bats join the battle. The bats and clones fight against the heroes, incapacitating many of them, decapitating several.

The battle ensues into the night where the bats have an obvious advantage.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: SOO TALL

As the battle rages on, Cut Chemist and DJ Nu-Mark of Jurassic 5 collaborate with Phantasm and Master Crack to isolate the issue before it spills throughout the entire world. They create a machine that will transport the heroes, the bats, and the clones back to the Mars colony. Once teleported, they will set off an EMP which will prohibit anyone from ever leaving the colony. It will be a costly sacrifice, but this ensures that the rest of the world will be spared from the evil of the bats and clones.

The detonation of the transportation bombs work seamlessly and everyone is transported where the fighting continues. In the midst of the fight, Chali 2na and Queen Kong detonate the EMP, locking all of the combatants on Mars. Nobody knows of the outcome. The International Space Station cannot reach the colony.

CHAPTER NINETEEN: NEW YORK STATE OF MIND

Back in New York, the population begins to rebound after the battles fought near the city. The tunnels are capped to prevent anything from ever escaping them again. The battlegrounds are scrubbed and sterilized to prevent any remains of the mutants, clones, or bats from spreading or growing or contaminating the surroundings.

Unbeknownst to the cleanup crew, however, the lead-lined containers housing the remains of the Heap are left in the back of one of the trucks Phantasm and Master Crack had been hiding in. The truck driver that had been exploded by the villains were never cleaned off the containers, and they begin to bubble and leak. It appears that the Heap will be back, growing from small parts of the viscera sprayed throughout the truck's bed.

Without anything to direct them, no Queen Kong to follow, the Heap Children absorb the intentions of the truck driver that they are growing from. They head in the direction of the truck's original destination, New York City.

CHAPTER TWENTY: CAROL ANNE'S THEME (from Poltergeist)

It appears that without the intervention of any heroes, New York City is slated to be destroyed by the killer babies, the Heap Children. However, before they get to New York, they must pass through New Jersey. And it looks like there might be a new hero undergoing a transformation in New Jersey right now...

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: HITCHCOCK OUTRO

Well that was a touching ending. Of course none of the story really happened. It was all made up. Just a tissue of lies out of some writer's head. You know, truth may be stranger than fiction after all. But tune in again next week when we have a real whopper of a tale to tell you. Good night.

Crestwood House Monster Series

2010-10-07T13:27:00.001-04:00

Its crazy to me how much this guy's story relates to mine. And doing some quick research on the internet, it sounds like there were a lot of dudes like me in elementary schools around the country.

Zion I - Soo Tall

2010-09-28T10:37:00.001-04:00

Cheyenne Marie Mize : Friend

2010-09-23T09:21:00.001-04:00

Cheyenne’s debut Before Latelywill be out October 12th, 2010 through sonaBLAST! Records. She recently released this new video for the track Friend, which was shot in homebase of Louisville, KY. The video was filmed in The Rathskeller Room of Louisville’s famed Seelbach Hilton Hotel and features giant puppets courtesy of Sean Hennessey and Squallis Puppeteers, as well as cameos from Louisville band Wax Fang.

Bacon

2010-09-21T20:46:00.005-04:00

This space reserved for a post about bacon.

I'm gradually adding more and more recipes to what is going to be an epic bacon post.

Bacon Explosion

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/28/dining/281brex.html?_r=1

http://allrecipes.com//Recipe/bacon-cookies/Detail.aspx

Chromeo - Don't Turn the Lights On

2010-09-21T20:26:00.001-04:00

Don't Turn The Lights On from Chromeo1 on Vimeo.

Bourbon Write-Up in the new Playboy (October 2010)

2010-09-21T20:09:00.002-04:00

I present to you, dear blog reader, the two pages in the October 2010 issue of Playboy that will be stuck together.

I love it when Playboy reviews spirits. I cut them out and add them to my recipe scrapbook. I shouldn't be so critical, because they didn't give any more or any less space to gin or rum when they reviewed different brands, but there is so much more of the story to tell.

Thanks to the additions of old cocktail recipe books from my father and from Dr. Pat I am in a fit of collecting old cocktails. This is, of course, in addition to my new fascination with infusing spirits at home (holla at this delicious homemade bacon bourbon).

This reminds me that I need to get up and running on the blog I'm writing dedicated to my new opinion of bacon.

I also hope Playboy doesn't reach out and ask me to remove this post. Hey, Playboy, just ask. Don't sue. Please.

Bad Tits - Bankok Hilton

2010-09-09T00:43:00.001-04:00

College Football Round-Up: Week 1

2010-09-05T12:32:00.002-04:00

Whew. I'm so glad its back, and I'm so glad I made it through all of it. This definitely set my high-water-mark for consumption of both football and bacon. Fortunately, I survived college football's first week and lived to tell the tale. I am little-school-girl happy that I upgraded the sports package I get through my cable provider. The Big Ten Network and Versus are welcome additions to the above-average sports lineup Cablevision was already providing (still can't get ESPN3 up here, though). So here's my take on the games that made or broke my first weekend of the season:

DAY ONE - on the first day, he watched college football, and he was pleased with what he had done.

Ohio State 45 vs. Marshall 7 - Ohio State exposed Marshall to a romance explosion all over Marshall's face. The crowd was way into this game. The Ohio State players were way into this game. Jim Tressell was an expressionless, calculating ninja assassin of a coach. Fun Fact? Marshall did not score any offensive points.

Its weird, then, that the seven points the team generated were on a blocked field goal return. One of Tressell's more adamantly-focused pieces of the team, Special Teams, choked badly on several occasions, but the blocked field goal being returned for a touchdown was one of the worst. If there's one thing that is going to be mathematically stewed about before the Miami game next week, it will be Ohio State's special teams. Otherwise, Terrelle Pryor, Boom Herron, DeVier Posey, Dane Sanzenbacher, and Brandon Saine (Brand InSane!) were all clicking.

The season and the game itself started off with a high note when Ohio State picked up the fumble from Marshall on the opening kickoff. I hope its indicative of them intimidating all of their opponents throughout the end of the year. I don't expect an undefeated season, and I don't anticipate playing in the national championship game. But I do see good things happening for this team. Yes, Miami also rocked and rolled in their opener over FAMU, but everybody rocks and rolls over FAMU. We'll see how that game plays out. I might feel differently about this OSU team after next Saturday.

Rutgers (31) vs. Norfolk State (0) - I want to see a Rutgers game in person this season. I really do. I didn't get to watch this game, but I read about it in the newspaper. Rutgers won big but didn't play big. Apparently they played like crap, and it makes me wonder how much more magic Greg Schiano has left in his tank. The good thing about Rutgers playing horribly is that it should make tickets affordable. They are going to FIU to play next week (and should win), and then UNC should beat them at Rutgers the following week. This is going to be a tough season for Rutgers if they continue to play at this level of intensity. They're lucky to have both Syracuse and Louisville going to play them AT Rutgers. I suspect they might serve as the only two conference wins unless something changes.

Pitt (24) vs. Utah (27) - This was a heartbreaker of a game, and I say that as a fan of neither team, but a hater of Utah. I also support Big East teams. I also "un-support" teams from non-BCS conferences when they're playing a BCS team. Yes, Utah is an emerging team on the verge of moving to an honest-to-God BCS conference, and yes they had a long home winning streak that wasn't going to be changed any time soon, but dammit....Pitt has the Wannstache on their side! This was the first inkling I had that the Big East wasn't going to do well this weekend. Despite some epic plays by a new QB and the dependable Dion Lewis and Jonathon Baldwin, Pitt couldn't come up with it here. Utah's coach is also a dick for calling timeout mid-kick TWICE when Pitt's field goal unit was mid-kick trying to, and ultimately tieing the game, sending it to overtime. It sucks that the Big East's highest-ranked team stumbled here, but I think it will serve as the exception to the Pittsburgh rule.

Thursday Games I Didn't Watch But Whose Outcomes I Enjoyed:

Minnesota beats Middle Tennessee State by a touchdown in the 4th quarter. MTSU was leading this game into the 4th quarter. They're not a bad team, but they shouldn't be threatening to beat Minnesota, not after the hype that Minn. (undeservedly) had going into this year. Still, a B10 win's a win.
USC beats Hawaii by 13 points in a high-scoring effort. I like the fact that Hawaii was still in this. I dislike USC. "Dislike" is an understatement. I think their #14 ranking is ridiculous, and I can't wait to see them crumble when they get into conference play. I have no personal aversion to Matt Barley or any of the other players on their team. Just dislike the coach and the essense of USC.

To wrap up the first day of the 2010 football season, I want to end on a high note. I absolutely love that you're back college football. Couldn't be happier. But Thursday? We can't keep meeting like this? Sooner or later work is going to find out. We have a good thing going here. Let's try to keep most games on Saturdays. I can understand the occasional tryst here and there (Big East and ACC football I'm looking at you), but c'mon. Give me a break. Let's compromise. I'll promise to watch as much of you as I can, either on TV or in person, and I promise to continue buying hats and t-shirts and jackets. But meet me in the middle. Not so many games on Thursday, ok?

DAY TWO - pace yourself

Arizona (41) vs. Toledo (2) - to be honest, I was so jacked for Saturday at this point, and tired from a long week of work and night full of football the night before that I barely checked into this one. This was more a curiosity for me to see how Toledo would do. And they weren't to terribly awful in the first 20 minutes. But good Lord almighty there were terribly awful for the rest of the game. I can't blame them for letting the wind to come out of their sails. Arizona looks better than I expected. Oh well. I played a lot of 2010 NCAA Football during this game. Also cooked and ate a steak and tomato pie. In other news, noticed that my chest hair is starting to reclaim the "M" I shaved into my chest for Mike's bachelor party. When you're noticing things like this instead of watching football, its a bad sign.

DAY THREE - Three shall be the number. No more. No less. Three shall be the number thou count, and the number of the counting shall be three.

Holy shit. College Gameday starts at 9 now. It is arguably one of the best feelings ever to roll over in bed, put on your glasses, click on the TV and see the ESPN crew talking football. AT 9 A.M. Not ten! NINE! Of course, everything before 10 is just pomp and circumstance. And every one of my sports channels was interviewing the same coaches and talking about the same players. But still. Last year, more than any other year before, I got wrapped up in College Gameday. This was for several reasons.

First, Saturday mornings I usually woke up early in the house I was sharing with Mike and Taylor. I would take our cans and bottles to the recycling center and then go to the grocery store and liquor store to stock up for the day. I'd get home and start on breakfast (eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, coffee, and fresh souls....just like Soul Calibur's Nightmare), and I'd review my menu for the day. Usually Mike and I would start drinking sometime around 11. As Gameday previewed what to expect for the next 12 hours, I would prepare some good food, talk some shit at Mike about Michigan, open the windows to let the breeze roll in, I would shoo away two shih tzu's (one sane, the other retarded), and I'd ready the grill or the oven for some cooking of epic proportions.

For the first time in six months, I got homesick yesterday morning. It wasn't because I received a dopey e-mail or letter from a friend or family member back home. It wasn't because I was reading facebook posts about the Louisville/Kentucky rivalry. It was when the College Gameday theme song came on at 10, and I remembered Saturday mornings at the house. I have definitely learned some things about myself since I moved up here. One of the most important lessons was that I'll need a porch and a grill at wherever I move to next. Friends and family are good things to have around. But damn it I miss being able to grill outside and sit and read and smoke a cigar and sip booze in the fresh air. I would move into the shittiest little bung-hole of an apartment tomorrow if it meant I could have an outside area. Good gracious.

Anyway, onto the games:

Opening Salvo - Noon Games: There really wasn't anything to write home about with the noon games. Penn State didn't look too hot beating Youngstown State, and unless something changes there I think they'll finish 4th (at best) in the Big Ten. Illinois lost to Missouri late in their game, which was kind of a bummer because I have a new co-worker that went there. Florida tripped over themselves, literally, to beat Miami Ohio, and I hope this is indicative of how their season goes. Overall, though, the noon games were kind of a bummer. So I didn't feel bad getting SUPER-amped about the 3:30 games.

Louisville (16) vs. Kentucky (23) - If you ask a UofL fan, nobody will admit that they expected Louisville to pull the upset. But in our hearts, we all held hope. I mean, its still Kentucky. Yes, we're a shitty football team now, but there's a light at the end of this tunnel. And yes, Kentucky is also a historically shitty football team. But for now, they're not as shitty. I didn't get to see this game, but I had enough friends texting me during the game, and CBS' gamecast tried its hardest to keep me updated, but it didn't really do a good job. I don't expect either team to have exciting seasons, but this was an interesting game to see play out. I will go ahead and claim "Moral Victory" for the Louisville fans. Things will get better for us. We've already survived through the Kragthorpe Valley, now we're climbing to the Strong Peak.

Michigan (30) vs. UCONN (10) - The Upset That Wasn't. Randy Edsall and his UConn team had SO much momentum coming into this game, and there was SO much uncertainty for Rich Rod and his Michigan team that nobody would have been surprised if Michigan lost another home opener. But for the sake of one of my best friends, I was seriously happy at the outcome of this game. In fact, I had planned on switching between this game and the Notre Dame/Purdue game, but I couldn't take my eyes off this one. I witnessed the emergence of Denard "Shoelace" Robinson and possibly the demise of a whiny, bratty Tate Forcier (he sat by himself away from his team with a towel over his head, appearing to sulk throughout the game).

Before the game, the media was really shitting on Rich Rodriguez and throwing out statistics that made him sound like a real bastard for the shame he has brought to the Michigan program. As soon as things started to click for Rich Rod and Denard Robinson, though, the same announcers were backtracking and explaining how Lloyd Carr had shorted the Michigan recruiting stable and didn't leave Rich Rod with a lot of depth to work with. They also explained that Robinson was "Pat White-esque," and really fulfilling the mobile quarterback role that Rich Rod's program NEEDED to be successful. So, the announcers explained, "get off of Rodriguez' back!"

Just like they did last year, I have a feeling that Michigan is going to be another sweetheart, come-from-behind team for the first 4 or 5 games. Then they'll drop one or two. Then a lot of attention will come off of them. I expect they'll do better than later year. If yesterday's game was any indication, they'll do a helluva lot better than they did last year. I feel good for this team, and I would be both surprised and happy if they finished the season in the top half of the Big Ten. I hope Rich Rod makes it for a while at this school, because I do think he's a quality coach. This was by far the funnest game I watched all day.

LSU (30) vs. UNC (24) - Usually, 90% of the time, I would pull for LSU to win this game. However, because of their shortage of players, and because so many people wrote this game off when they heard UNC left some 13 players at home for this game, I was pulling for the Tarheels. I generally dislike teams from the ACC, especially if they come from North Carolina. And I generally pull for teams that my friends have ties to (David). But the North Carolina squad was SUCH an underdog in this game that I couldn't help but pull for them, especially after the solid performance in the first quarter. And AGAIN in the fourth quarter! Wow! This turned out to be a very, very exciting game!

It was good to hear Brent Musburger calling a football game. Erin Andrews was there. Kirk Herbstreit. Yadda Yadda. And it might seem tertiary, but ABC has the best high definition cameras for sports. Better than NBC, the ESPNs, Versus, etc. Watching a good game on ABC Saturday Night College Football is a treat, regardless of who's playing. The fact that this was such a fun game only added to the experience. Great endcap to a day of quality games. The only thing better would have been the UCONN/Michigan game in the top spot, but neither of those teams were ranked, so I can understand why ABC settled on this one.

I'm beginning to think that Les Miles isn't as good a coach as people thought (myself included). Yes, he was exposed in last year's game against Ole Miss. In this game, too, it seemed that when UNC got their momentum going, he didn't know how to handle it. UNC would have won this game if their tight end hadn't bungled the ball on the last two plays. There was also a questionable no-call on the last throw, too. Les Miles doesn't ever seem to have intelligible answers, either, whenever he's asked about LSU shortcomings. I'm not saying he's a bad coach. I just wonder how much he benefited from the momentum Saban left behind at LSU before he jumped to the NFL (and eventually Alabama).

There's really no excuse for UNC still being in the game to the last play. Their secondary wasn't in the game. The top receiver and tailbacks weren't in attendance. UNC shouldn't have been in the game at all in the fourth quarter. Hell, they were down 20 points for more time in this game than they weren't! But LSU played loose and relaxed and allowed UNC to come back in the 4th. Craziness. Still, it made for a very exciting game. It also helped that both teams had some beautiful women in the stands cheering them on (remember how I said the ABC cameras were the best?).

Games I Didn't Watch But Followed:

Cincinnati falls to Fresno State - bummer for the reigning two-time Big East champion. Another bruise on Big East football this weekend. This must be weird for Cincy's QB, Zach Collaros, because he hasn't lost at anything. Ever. This was his first loss in football. He's also undefeated at Boggle, Shoots and Ladders, and the Simpsons edition of Scene It! In summary, Cincinnati will not repeat as Big East champion. New coach, hollow o-line. They'll be good. But they're a lot more vulnerable than they were last year.
Purdue falls to Notre Dame - the only reason I care about this is because Michigan plays them next week. Purdue isn't great, but they're ok. Denard Robinson will have to run pretty fast to compensate for a hungry Notre Dame team, anxious to overcompensate for last year's loss to Michigan. Also compensating for Charlie Weis (Captain Front Butt) (can't wait to see Charlie Weis, Mark Mangino, and Mike Leach on the CFB edition of Dancing with the Stars).
Auburn beats Arkansas State - even though Auburn's defense allowed a lot of points, the Gene Chizik era has arrived at Auburn. They demonstrated that they deserved to be ranked this season, and I predict they'll finish ranked, too. I also suspect that this team will upset the otherwise-comfortable status quo of the SEC hierarchy (LSU and Alabama). And seriously, Gene Chizik justlooks like a badass football coach. I can imagine him lifting weights with his furled brow.
Alabama beat whatever jobber was on their schedule - oh yeah, poor San Jose State. SJS went home with a paycheck, though. I like Nick Saban, but I'm not thinking his team is going to repeat this year. They have two phenomenal running backs on the team, but I don't know if that will cut it this year. The SEC race should be a tight one.
Florida State beat Samford - not to be confused with Stanford. Or any other significant team. Yes, the Jimbo Fisher era has started at FSU. But I still don't think that team's going to be any good this year. Especially when they start playing FBS teams and Christian Ponder gets hurt. I could be terribly wrong here, but I don't have a lot of faith in this team. They might beat Florida, too, though. This team might be interesting to watch.
Iowa smokes Eastern Illinois - this is only pertinent because Iowa almost got beat by Iowa State last year in their opener. Nothing to learn really from this game.
Georgia beat Louisiana-Lafayette - the only thing good about this game was Georgia's hot fans. The SEC Network's camera wisely strayed away from the hawt Georgia fan whose side boob was gradually showing more and more every time she jumped. I'll never forgive you for that, SEC Network. In other news, I suspect that the number of fans cheering for the Ragin' Cajuns will grow because anything True Blood-related ("Lafayette") seems to be picking up steam.
UCLA lost a close one to Kansas State - this was apparently a good game that I didn't watch.
Oregon massacres Nevada - I was reading some commentary on this game. Apparently Oregon put in its second string 8 minutes into the second quarter and Nevada is really just that bad.
Nebraska allowed Western Kentucky to score some points - Nebraska, you dicks. You could have shut them out, but no, when I pick your defense in college fantasy football you had to go and put in your 3rd string d-line, letting WKU to score 10 points. DANG IT.
Washington loses to BYU - This wasn't really much of an upset, but there were a lot of people making grand predictions about Washington this season. I still think that team has the capacity to win the Pac-10, but the Pac-10 itself isn't much to write home about this year. In fact, I'd say the Pac-10 will be the 5th best conference this year, behind the MWC even (but ahead of the Big East...damn it). Jake Locker looked good. Honestly, the Huskies could have won this game, but there was some slop here and there that should be polished in time for their conference schedule.
Oregon St. loses to TCU - F%&k! Another non-BCS school victory. I don't think I'd be as bothered by these schools if they weren't non-secular. But the thought of a victorious team whose ethos is Christians in Texas makes me think of Shelby County getting beat by the Southeast Christian Superdome football team. You want to know why America dislikes you, TCU? Is it because you have new "lizard-skin" uniforms (true story)? Is it because your coach looks like an angry lesbian (true story)? No. Its because you're a school that should be a pushover, yet you have the coolest mascot ever. A horned frog that shoots blood from its eyes. Damn it that's cool! And its wasted on a school that pisses me off at every turn.
The SEC loses to the BIG TEN - get used to it! OK....so that's not exactly the way it went. Northwestern beats Vanderbilt. And by the transitive properties of college football, Ohio State just beat every SEC team. Another moral victory!
Ole Miss lost to Jacksonville State in overtime - the dark gods are ready to reign back the SEC dominance. Tim Tebow has left the SEC. There have been inadequate sacrifices made in his absence. While he was in the conference there were dozens of African foreskins being sacrificed daily. Prisoners were being culled and subjected to the demigod's reign. The southern religious conservatives overlooked the fact that bible-verses were being scrawled on player's faces in black paint infused with blood and ancient herbs. The day of reckoning is nigh, SEC. Look no further than the Mountain West Conference. The ancient Mormon gods are coming to get you. Even the bloody-eyed lizard "Christians" are coming for you. Brace yourself for a dark, overcast season. Only Gene Chizik and his thunder-brow can save you.

On that note, I'm spent. I expect Boise State to beat Virginia Tech tomorrow, not because I want them to, but because I DON'T want them to, and the non-BCS schools have not been obedient this year.

Hero Status: Donald Gibb

2010-09-04T21:28:00.010-04:00

It shall be officially recognized that Donald Gibb will be commemorated with Hero status for this blog.

I have admittedly seen a lot of movies. Some would say I've seen too many movies. They've played an immeasurably large part in my development: creatively, socially, other "-lys," etc. And everyone can remember movies they watched as kids (The Land Before Time, Walt Disney's Robin Hood, Roller Babies, Mrs. Doubtfire, Home Alone). But not everyone can remember those movies that really struck a chord with them some twenty years ago.

Ultimately, most of the movies you see as a child carry an intangible expiration date. Disney's Robin Hood was one of my favorites as a kid, but I don't think I would enjoy it nearly as much now. Movies like Ferngully, Rookie of the Year, and Ace Ventura are also perfect examples.

However, there are also those movies that are just as enjoyable, if not more so, when you watch them as an adult.

Star Wars trilogy
Hook
Ghostbusters 1 & 2
Goonies
Roger Rabbit
Gremlins
Batman
Revenge of the Nerds

This last movie is listed in bold for several reasons, but one of the most important is the inclusion of one character: OGRE, as portrayed by Donald Gibb.

Revenge of the Nerds served so many purposes for my development. One of the first movies in which I saw boobs -AND- "bush" (my primary introduction to the female anatomy). My first introduction to homosexuals and Asians (Lamar and Toshiro). And my first introduction to practical jokes and pranks.

The coming-of-age nerd-themed movie was important to me, too, because I was in every way a kid nerd. I didn't "grow out" of sweatpants until a late age (jeans were so uncomfortable). I was always the top of my class, much to the derision of my classmates. I was one of the first kids in my class to wear glasses. I didn't live in town so I couldn't walk to/from school or to/from the local swimming pool. And I had a severe interest in comic books and reading (still do).

That being said, I definitely identified with the nerds and their struggle to achieve acceptance with their peers. It is super odd, then, that I so much enjoyed the character Ogre.

(This is Ogre, burping into a microphone for the intramural burping contest)

I still can't put my finger on exactly why I reserved a soft spot in my heart for him. Maybe its because he wasn't truly a cruel character. Not like Stan Gable (as played by Ed McGinley of Dynasty, The Love Boat, and Married...With Children). Stan really pulled all the strings. Ogre just happened to be a buff guy that was easily manipulated.

And maybe that's why I have such a connection to Ogre. Despite the fact that Ogre was later introduced as a "nerd" as opposed to a "jock," maybe I'm affected by Ogre because he was a nerd that through sheer coincidence had the body and posture of a jock (much like myself). He was a strong guy, eager to please, and unfortunately he fell in with a bad crowd. I can claim the relate to the same qualities in myself.

And for whatever reason, I've picked up on Mr. Gibbs throughout my life as he bounces along his different roles. I never noticed him in Bloodsport (although ironically, this is where my best friend noticed him)

I've caught him in appearances through multiple short-lived TV series, and in weird cameos in movies (most recently in Hancock as a rehabbed con). But the place he's seemingly picked up the most traction recently, has been as a "What's In Your Wallet?" Capital One Viking.

And every time I see him, I think about calling mom and reminding her that I watched Revenge of the Nerds as a kid and how much of a "hard R" it would be today (just to tease and guilt her because, hell, she let me watch the copy she and dad recorded onto VHS from HBO, and I was WAY too young to be exposed to that movie). And I think about how I've grown as a man. And I think about how much in common I have with Ogre. Whether in terms of being undefeated in belch contests, in terms of being a buff guy in a group of unathletic dweebs, or in terms of continuing to enjoy what it is I do for shit's sake (because I assume Donald Gibbs appears in Capital One commercials for shits and giggles). I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. Its good knowin' he's out there. Donald Gibbs. Takin' it easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he keeps making commercials in swanky vacation spots.

While I was putting together this post, I found out a very interesting little tidbit about Mr. Gibbs, one that more than qualifies him for Hero Status. Apparently, Donald got into the brewing business, as co-owner of "Trader Todd's Adventure Beer." He appeared as their spokesman and was on the label of "Ogre Beer Lyte (an oxymoron). I mean, its not like he needed any relationship to a brewery to be a personal hero of mine, but damn it, it doesn't hurt at all.

I would be forever reticent to say that Revenge of the Nerds didn't play an important part of my development. With than in mind, I end this blog post with one of Donald Gibb's most important, most memorable, most influential movie quotes:

"NEEEEERRRRRRRRRDDDDSSSS!"

(THERE'S NOBODY BETTER TO BLAME FOR OGRE'S TRANSGRESSIONS THAN JOHN GOODMAN, ANOTHER HERO FOR ANOTHER POST)

Bacon Bourbon Manhattan

2010-09-02T21:16:00.002-04:00

I made this. It was effin delicious.

BACON

Seems to be the secret ingredient in most of my recipes at the end of this summer.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros on Letterman

2010-08-22T11:50:00.001-04:00

The Replaced Kentuckian

2010-08-19T09:19:00.004-04:00

Headed back to Kentucky this afternoon after a training session I'm co-leading on Long Island. I will be departing at 2 p.m. I expect to arrive in KY sometime around 1 a.m. I will be speeding violently as I once again take on the Garmin to see how severely I can beat its estimated time of arrival.

This time around I'm going to be super productive in several regards. I'm attending wedding celebrations, I'm helping my parents paint their basement, I'm going to the Louisville office to pitch in and speak to new hires, I'm doing landscaping work for the newlyweds, and I'm going to help a co-worker pack herself into boxes before becoming a Displaced Coloradan herself.

Also, in a fit of feeling artsy, I'm going to take Duncan's advice and try my hand at taking pictures of things. I have a decent camera, and I'm sure it will take better pictures than my Blackberry does, so this should be interesting.

The trip wraps up with a bachelor party. I've been good about moderating my drinks. I don't necessarily want to be the last man standing, but I definitely don't want to be the first one out (or first to barf)(or first to go out at poker).

We'll see how it goes.

The Obama Burger

2010-08-12T11:13:00.003-04:00

While I was in DC, Duncan and I had lunch at a small burger restaurant run by Spike Mendelsohn, The Good Stuff Eatery. The burgers there were delicious and the placed smelled like a clean burger heaven. Not a greasy, seedy burger heaven like Genny's Diner in Louisville.

This is going to be hard to communicate, but I had a burger there that was one of the best sandwiches I've had in a long time, but it was not one of the best burgers I've had in a while. Seeing the description of the burger might make this clearer.

PREZ OBAMA BURGER

Applewood Bacon, Onion Marmalade

Roquefort Cheese and Delicious

Horseradish Mayo Sauce

I loved the taste of ObamaBurger, but it wasn't beefy. I should have checked its papers. I'm not entirely certain that it was beef. So I'm not sure it was actually a burger. The tastes of the bacon and cheese and horseradish mayo sauce....everything complimented everything else very, very well. But I'll be damned if I got a good taste of beef out of the sandwich. That's ok, but not the best "burger for burger's sake."

So here's a picture of the burger in question. Delicious? Absolutely. Burger-y? Not so much.

Also, here's a picture of a monkey doll that we found at a market on Saturday morning. Its weirdness really called to me.

A Duncan Carol, by Dick Charlens

2010-08-02T11:04:00.003-04:00

[Scene: Duncan's home, late at night. He has just returned from gambling in Saratoga with friends and is exhausted. He slumps into a chair and stirs some tea, grumbling to himself about the lack of female inoculation over the weekend. As he stops stirring his tea, he listens, and realizes that the ticking sound of clocks has stopped. He stares around the room and realizes that he feels a breeze, even though the window is closed and the ceiling fans are turned off, and the window blinds are fluttering. He starts to walk towards the window to investigate, but suddenly there's a loud knock on the door.]

Me: Open up, Hinkle!

Duncan: Who goes there?! It's late! It's too late for me to open the door!

Me: Its your old partner, Duncan. It's me, the long lost Paul Schlotterbeck.

Duncan: That's impossible! Paul Schlotterbeck doesn't live here! Be gone, you trifling nuisance!

[at this point an ethereal phantom of Paul Schlotterbeck walks through the door, scaring the bejeezus out of Duncan]

Me: Duncan, I came here as a warning. A warning that this weekend, if you're not too busy, you will be visited by THREE spirits!

Duncan: Technically, there are no such things are spirits, soooo....I don't believe you. Go away.

Me: There are TOO spirits! How do you think I got in here? I just walked through...THROUGH your freakin' door, dude! I. AM. A. SPIRIT!

Duncan: That's it. I'm calling the Ghost Adventures guys. They'd know what to do with you.

Me: ENOUGH! Those guys are douche bags! Silence yourself an listen to me, mortal! [flames shoot out of eyes, appearance temporarily takes the form of Ghost Rider, then reverts back to Phantom Paul.]

Duncan: Dub.

Me: This weekend you will be visited by three spirits! When the calendar strikes Friday, August 6th, you will be called upon by The Spirit of Paulmas Past. On Saturday, August 7th, you will be visited by the Spirit of Paulmas Present. And if you're cool with it, the Spirit of Paulmas Yet To Come will sleep somewhere on the floor or on a couch and will try not to snore too loud.

Duncan: Tell me, phantom Paul, why would you curse me with such visitors?

Me: Because I'm bored. And because I miss you, dude.

Duncan: OK.

[the room goes pitch black. When the lights come back on, slowly dimming up, Duncan is alone in the room. He goes back to his chair, stirring his tea. Later he falls asleep. When Duncan begins snoring, Phantom Paul cracks the door to the pantry where he's been hiding, quietly slips out, tip toes across the room, slowly unlatches the door, and walk out.]

More Fun Saturday Music

2010-07-31T19:51:00.002-04:00

It has been a beautiful Saturday in Northeast New Jersey. Its cool enough to have the windows open and fans going. CBS' college sports network was replaying football games all day. I cooked a decent breakfast (braunschweiger omelets will blow your mind), and I'm about to make steak, steamed vegetables, and lemon pie. Fortunately, I found some appropriate upbeat music to go along with all of this.

Harper Blynn perform "25 Years" from Gothamist House on Vimeo.

EELS Spectacular Girl from TOMORROW MORNING - out 8.24.10

EELS | MySpace Music Videos

Yu(c)k - Daughter from Yuck on Vimeo.

Cee Lo Green

2010-07-30T10:02:00.002-04:00

I'm getting pretty excited for the next Cee Lo Green album. He was the voice of Gnarls Barkley, and he's released two solo albums before (besides working with Atlanta rap crew Good Mob). I am of the opinion that everything he touches turns to gold, so I'm stoked for his new album.

You can download for free two tracks from the new album by signing up for his mailing list at his website. I like both of them, but the song that he just released on YouTube really got my attention, too, and I'm hoping he includes it on the album. I hope you enjoy this:

What the Effin' Crap?!

2010-07-29T18:47:00.004-04:00

Don't get me wrong. I am totally into the style and the music and the effects. The video....well....ummm....it makes me feel crazier than usual. If I'm crazier on any given day, this cranks it up to 11.

In other news, I would also go crazy working for Jimmy Fallon, and I would die young from laughing too hard.

Countdown to Mike's Bachelor Party

2010-07-21T22:11:00.003-04:00

I'm going to start making a list of things I anticipate experiencing at Mike's bachelor party this August.

Coming in at number 10:

I really cannot wait for the guys to get smashed and imitate this video

BREAKING NEWS: Aquaman Releases Profanity-Laced Response to BP

2010-07-19T08:17:00.003-04:00

Atlantis (CNN) – With midterm elections less than four months away, Republican mouthpieces are quick to defend their position as the party of "no" and point fingers at the reckless spending of Democrats. Democrats are quick to defend their spending, the slow swell of the economy, and their responsiveness to replacing generals in Iraq. Both sides are doing a fantastic job pointing fingers at this president and/or the last president in regards to who is responsible for the oversight of BP and the MMS.

In the midst of these squabbles, King of Atlantis, Arthur Curry (a.k.a. Aquaman) had this to say to reporters early Monday morning:

"You #$%*!#$% #%^*@#$ idiots! Stop !@#$% and fix this!"

Aquaman's official press agent was not immediately available for comment. Representatives from the Justice League have been surprisingly quiet on the matter until Aquaman's outburst this morning.

Namor has not been available for comment.

Bluegrass music, Bowling, Beer, Brooklyn

2010-07-17T11:06:00.004-04:00

Oh man. Last night's concert was awesome.

First off, Brooklyn is a pretty cool borough. Marj and I took the subway from Manhattan, and from the time I got off the subway to the time we got to the concert, it seemed like the entire borough is populated by an age group that ranges from 21 - 31, and its a very eclectic mix at that. Marjorie said we were in the Bardstown Rd. part of Brooklyn. I told her we were giving Btown Rd way too much credit.

So Marj and I got off the subway, and as we walked to our concert at Brooklyn Bowl, we heard another concert going on down towards the waterfront. I recognized the music, and we realized Weezer was doing a concert, and it sounded huge. I heard "Jonas" and "The Sweater Song" live for free as I walked to a bluegrass concert. Its pretty neat having a loud rocking soundtrack as you walk the streets anywhere (this kind of ties to yesterday's e-mail about having entrance music), but for it to be Weezer as I walked through Brooklyn? Can't beat it.

It was a short walk from the subway to the Brooklyn Bowl. I wouldn't have minded a longer walk if it meant being serenaded by Weezer moire, but whatevs. The venue was hidden in what looked to be a re-emerging, formerly-industrial part of the area. The only thing that separated it from some dilapidated, poorly lit buildings was some pink and red neon lights. It's kind of how Jillian's in Louisville used to stick out from the crummy houses and boarded-window businesses.

But when you walk in, its beautiful. Darkly lit, the entire inside is about the size of Tailgaters Music Hall in Louisville, but its decorated with a Coney Island boardwalk theme. There are tables and booths and swank leather couches that serve as tables for dinner or drinking or watching concerts. There were two massive bars, each with at least 3 different draught stations. Behind each bar, instead of having shelves of liquor (which is hidden beneath the bar), the shelves are loaded with

shooting range targets. You know the flat, metal ducks and flags that you see in movies when a guy tries to impress a girl by shooting the flat, metal little targets with a BB gun? The entire back bar was covered in them. Very cool. And there was an entire wall of the weird, furry clowns that people throw balls to knock down.

Also, this place got huge kudos from me for not having a single macrobrew available. Of the ten beers at each draught station, they were either Brooklyn Brewery beers. Six were from the Brooklyn Brewery. two were from Sixpoint Craft Ales, and two were from the Greenpoint Brewing Company. I tried three different beers throughout the night, and the Kelso Nut Brown made love to my tongue like Antonio Banderas. It was a gentle beer/tongue lover.

I haven't mentioned yet that there was a bowling alley. Only about 20 lanes. But music never sounded so awesome as it does when you hear bowling pins being knocked down and big heavy balls cruising down a wood lane. I'm not a bowling connoisseur by any means, but I couldn't get over the fact that the pins were all hanging from strings like marionettes, which made replacing them after every set easy. But the technology there, it must be old, blew my mind, because the strings never interfered or prevented pins being knocked over. You'll have to see it to know what I'm talking about.

(OK...some quick internet research tells me this is called string pinsetting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEqSrZR0h2c. I never saw it take as long as it does in that video, but I challenge the Engineers to figure out how it works.)

The band was pretty incredible, too. Greensky Bluegrass was like a jam band for bluegrass. Very funky. Varied between being heavy and then back to light-hearted. Not like the bluegrass that dad used to take me to when I was younger. Its painfully obvious that bluegrass music itself is not entrenched in the Northeast, though. There were probably 100 people standing close to the stage to watch the music. Everyone else in the building was a casual bystander. I got really excited and sang along when they started playing Bob Dylan's "The Man in Me" which I recognize from the Big Lebowski soundtrack. When the band mentioned at the end of the song that it was from Lebowski, an over-weight drunk man that looked like Oliver Platt started shouting quotes from the movie. I must have been the only one that recognized them, because once he caught me smiling, he started shouting them at me. Oh well.

Bob Dylan - The Man in Me (The Big Lebowski version) from mue on Vimeo.

Of the 100 of us standing close to the stage, there were a handful of cute, drunk girls that tried to dance to it, and one guy trying to dance. This poor guy tried all of his tried-and-true NYC dance moves to make them fit for bluegrass, but he couldn't nail it down. But what was cracking Marjorie and I up was that he was switching through his repertoire of dance moves, one after the other, several times throughout the course of one song. So you'd see him thrashing like he was at a metal concert, then flailing his arms like he was at a hip-hop concert, and then he'd get chopped-and-screwed and start dancing in slow motion like he was listening to some trance music. Poor guy. I figured out how stoned he was when he started getting infatuated with the big ceiling fan. When people drop what they're doing to start staring at ceiling fans, you know they got their hands on the good stuff.

In general, the closest anyone got to decent bluegrass dancing was a couple that met on the dance floor and started some improvised ballroom/swing dancing. It was kind of neat to see two strangers meet up on the dancefloor of a bluegrass concert and just start dancing like that. Anyone else just looked weird trying their NYC dancing. I just leaned back and tapped my foot in time with the music and felt like I had achieved the correct way to enjoy bluegrass. I asked Marjorie if she knew of dances to bluegrass. She told me that in elementary school, mountain cloggers would come to school to demonstrate bluegrass dancing. Duncan, can you confirm or deny this? Either way, I didn't run home to get my wooden clogs so I could do a wood-heavy tap dance at the Brooklyn Bowl.

We ended up leaving the venue around 11:30 because we were both getting pretty tired. We walked to the subway. It was about 85 degrees still, and Brooklyn had taken on a hot-trash smell. The subway station felt at least 10 degrees hotter. And we happened to leave our concert right before the Weezer concert ended, because right before we boarded the train, about 300 people joined us. So the 30-minute ride home was jam packed with hot and sweaty Weezer fans. We both noticed the unique artisan cheese smell of the crowd. Not appealing.

And that was my night. It could not have been much more fun, and if anyone comes up here any time soon, that's going to be a new destination.

Enter the Paul

2010-07-16T09:47:00.002-04:00

I know it sounds weird, but there are several times throughout the day that I wish I had a special entrance theme. Kind of like wrestlers.

More than half the time I think I'd like to enter a room like Jack Nicholson's Joker entered the museum in Batman. Strutting in with cronies carrying a boombox, blasting my theme. My theme would not be Prince, and I would not be dancing (probably not dancing).

The rest of the time I think I'd like to enter a room like Gangrel used to in the WWF. The lights go off in the room, then music starts playing with red strobe lights flickering throughout the room. Then a circle of fire ignites. Then I get lifted up through the floor via a platform.

Someday if I'm rich, I'm going to achieve both of these things.

Either entrance would be acceptable if I had to testify in front of Congress.

LebowskiFest in Louisville Metromix

2010-07-13T19:09:00.006-04:00

So the 9th Annual Lebowski Fest is happening this weekend in Louisville. Being in New Jersey is this year's excuse for not attending.

Lebowski Fest: Achieving Greatness

I never attended any of them, but the Lebowskifests that started in Louisville always brightened up the parts of town that I kicked around in.

For the longest time, I knew nothing about the movie or the wild posters that seemed to pop up and slowly dissolve and disappear each year.

My friend Patrick sat me down to watch it once when we were in high school, but the humor of the movie escaped me.

After talking with people about the movie, and after reading about reactions to the movie, mine was not a unique experience. It seems nobody was completely tickled by the movie the first time they saw it, but, like bacteria and hair, it grew on them.

Its hard to nail what's so damn funny about the movie, too. I like the existence of the movie's characters. I think that's what gets it for me. Its about schmucks that get rolled up into one weird, self-styled noose-of-a-situation after another.

The entire movie is one coincidence that creates another coincidence that creates another. And in the middle is one unwitting, go-with-the-wind man that just rides the story.

And in one of the most brilliant themes of the movie, he's left no worse for wear, nor any better, at the movie's end. In hindsight, this is exactly my kind of theme.

And enough people agree with me that its one of those movies that you have to...well...not just own in the personal belonging sense....you have to own it by making it part of you. You absorb it and appreciate it like a good inside joke (even though its audience is getting bigger and bigger).

And like most good jokes, despite its growing audience, it doesn't seem to have been too terribly exploited or overdone. Its impervious to repetition (think Borat), and even those that DO quote the movie in casual conversation (myself) its not too bad, because there aren't any obvious jokes throughout. Everything is so subtle.

So, in a roundabout way, I'm wistful for an event that I never attended. And that seems fitting for a lot of reasons.

The costumes don't hurt, either.

Who knows? When the Lebowski Fest train rolls into Brooklyn this fall, maybe I'll catch it there. The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers never say "die," right?

Virgin Pie

2010-07-13T13:32:00.002-04:00

So this is the result of the first pie I have ever made.

It was delicious.

I was nommin' on it like a zombie.

Musics Old & New for the ol iPod

2010-07-13T11:53:00.006-04:00

Zeus - How Does It Feel from Arts & Crafts on Vimeo.

Bourbon Dinner

2010-07-10T11:08:00.003-04:00

Below is the menu I've put together for this evening's bourbon dinner. Delicious.

Seafood Louisiana

3 oz butter

1/4 cup white onion chopped

12 oz, lobster meat

4 oz. bourbon

1 cup mushrooms sliced

1 green pepper, diced

1/2 cup celery, diced

1 pimiento, diced

6 tomatoes, peeled and chopped

1 cup tomato sauce

pepper to taste

salt to taste

paprika to taste

2 packages instant white rice

Melt 2 oz butter in heavy shallow pan and cook onion till soft. Add seafood and cook 3 minutes, stirring constantly. Add bourbon. In another pan, melt 1 oz. butter and sauté mushrooms, green pepper, celery, pimiento, and tomatoes till tender. Add tomato sauce and bring to a simmer. Add seafood and mix thoroughly. Season to taste. Serve in a rice ring. Decorate with a little parsley and paprika.

Bourbon Mushrooms with Peas

8 oz. sliced mushrooms

2 tablespoons butter

1/4 tsp marjoram leaves

1/8 tsp ground mace

dash almond extract

1 oz bourbon

2 10-oz packages frozen small peas

Drain mushrooms, reserving liquid. In frying pan heat mushrooms in melted butter till sizzling; then stir in marjoram, mace, almond extract, and bourbon. Break up peas and pour into pan with mushrooms. Turn off heat and let stand. Just before serving, add 2 tablespoons of reserved mushroom liquid to peas and bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. Serves 6.

Bourbon Angel

1 pt vanilla ice cream

1 cup bourbon

1 cup heavy cream, whipped

grated orange rind

toasted chopped almonds

Soften ice cream slightly. Beat in bourbon; fold in whipped cream. Or combine first 3 ingredients in a blender and whirl until foamy. Spoon into glasses and sprinkle top with grated orange rind and toasted chopped nuts. Serves 8-10 in 4-ounce glasses.

Chocolate Walnut Pie

1 9-inch unbaked pastry shell

2 eggs

1 cup sugar

1/2 cup butter, melted

3 tablespoons bourbon

1 teaspoon almond extract

1/4 cup cornstarch

1 cup finely chopped walnuts

1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

In a small mixer bowl, beat eggs slightly and gradually add sugar. Add melted butter, bourbon, and almond extract and mix well. Blend in cornstarch. Stir in nuts and chocolate chips; pour into unbaked pastry shell. Bake at 350 degrees for 50 minutes. Cool one hour and serve with a dollop of whipped cream. Serves 8-10.

Morning Lift

A soothing pick-me-up created by Henri Jabeneau of Chicago's Ambassador Hotel

2 oz. bourbon

1 oz. cream de cacao

1 egg

3 oz. milk

Shake well, ice, and serve to patient

Bourbon Sidecar

1 oz lemon juice

1 oz triple sec

2 oz bourbon

Shake well, ice, and serve

Predator Vs. Sloth

2010-07-09T10:15:00.005-04:00

I think we all know how this movie ends.

Sloth covers himself in his own feces, pirate/jungle-swings through the jungle, and rips Predator in half with his bare hands, because at the end of the day :

SLOTH > SCHWARZENEGGER

Sloth: You are one ugly mudda-fuckah.

Predator: I know you are, but what am I?

Sloth: WOCKY....Woad?!

Predator: (gurgles with laughter)

Sloth: Baby....WOOOTH?!

Predator: (gurgles with even more laughter. Can't catch his breath)

Sloth: (rips Predator in half while he's distracted by laughter)

Because I Missed His Phone Calls

2010-07-08T08:20:00.005-04:00

I put this together because I feel bad that I missed David's 7 phone calls last night.

Sorry, Dave.

Explaining Beaver Fever

2010-07-08T08:20:00.001-04:00

As we watched the news on Saturday morning, an anchor came on explaining where and where not to watch the fireworks. She was explaining that if you watched from the NYC side of the river, that you would run into some severely congested traffic. And it was only going to be worse because some of the celebrities that were going to be there. "But tough it out if you have Beaver Fever."

But she didn't really say "Beaver Fever" (even though that's what Carolyn and I heard, and subsequently laughed about for the next 48 hours). She said "Bieber Fever," because Justin Bieber was one of the "celebrities" that was performing on the NY side.

Personally, this made it that much funnier to me because we'd mistaken something presumably young and innocent with something that sounds like a carnal addiction that is so severe that it blocks traffic.

1 Degrees of Separation from Jesse Ventura: Billy Crystal

2010-07-01T23:14:00.004-04:00

A friend of mine challenged me to explain with just one, just a single solitary degree of separation between Jesse Ventura and Billy Crystal.

When I got this challenged, I chuckled, because it was so easy.

Any Jesse Ventura aficionado (or Billy Crystal fan, for that matter) remembers the unfortunate Ventura-Crystal-Golden Coral incident of 1996. And if you don't remember that, shame on you.

The Scene: Crystal was riffing in front of the buffet line, trying some new jokes about the popularity of denim. Ventura had just woken up from his 3-month long Odinsleep, and although he was completely charged with all kinds of Asgardian bad-assery, he was still groggy and completely starved.

Partly because Crystal wouldn't budge mid-riff, and partly because Ventura believed Crystal to be jello, Billy Crystal was swallowed whole by Jesse Ventura.

The customers of the Golden Coral are said to have expressed their unanimous approval of Ventura's sudden feeding frenzy by standing and clapping for one strait hour.

Fortunately, Jesse Ventura passed Billy Crystal just in time for Crystal to make one of the greatest comedies of all time, My Giant.

So, again, this was one of the easiest degrees of separation challenges that I've been presented with. Keep them coming!

1 Degrees of Jesse Ventura

2010-07-01T01:23:00.004-04:00

If Juliette Lewis ever hulked up, she would look just like Jesse Ventura.

It's a proven scientific fact.

Observe, below.

When the mood hits me, I will start sharing degrees of separation between certain celebrities and one, Mr. Jesse Ventura.

The Displaced Kentuckian

CAN'T BE UNSEEN: Face Cakes

Greg Schiano - Once and Forever a Goon

Please Ask Your Mom To Stop Calling Me

I Blew My Nose and New Music Came Out in the Kleenex

Interesting Article on College Football and How the BCS is f^$*ing Everything Up

Slipping bowl attendance has BCS scrambling for reasons, fixes

Jamming on the Tip of My Tongue

College Football Look Ahead: Week 2 - Notre Dame at Michigan

College Football Round-Up: Week 1

Patty B - Agent of Insanity

August 2011 - Rejuvenating Music Videos

Watch The Throne

More Brady Hoke Cartoons

Man vs. Wood

Making Fun of Michigan's Head Football Coach

Fun Random Sprinkle Stuff

Intimidating License Plate

Another Amazing Time-Lapse Video of New York City

The Revenge of Bear Mountain

The Bacon Guy

Spider Season in New Jersey

Things Macho Men Should Know About

Some crazy asshole connoisseur had the bright idea to create a bourbon butter cocktail. Said crazy asshole was not me. I wish I could take credit, though.

http://www.bourbonblog.com/blog/2010/11/24/basil-haydens-bourbon-holiday-cocktails-wd-50-restaurant-new-york/

Barrel-Aged Cocktails: These Are A Thing Now

Dance Yrself Clean - LCD Soundsystem - Muppets rock out in Brighton !

Jamie Dixon LOVES his new peanut butter chapstick!

Behind Enemy Lines: Louisville AT Rutgers

A Tale of Two College Gamedays

Learning to Cope With Weather in the Northeast Pt 2

Learning to Cope With Weather in the Northeast

GOBBLE GOBBLE - Wrinklecarver

Django Django WOR

A Perfect Portrait of New York City In Three Minutes

A Baby Girl

The Most NSFW Music Videos of 2010

New Music

Holiday Wrap-Up

Ghostbusters Redux

Where I'm From (pre-1996)

College Football Winding Down

Thursday

Stash Jackin'

I Believe in Monsters

College Football Celebration

A-Trak feat. CyHi Da Prynce - Ray-Ban Vision [NEW SONG 2010]

Chilled in New Jersey

TRUE STORY: I Recently Unearthed an Old Tome

Crestwood House Monster Series

Zion I - Soo Tall

Cheyenne Marie Mize : Friend

Bacon

Chromeo - Don't Turn the Lights On

Bourbon Write-Up in the new Playboy (October 2010)

Bad Tits - Bankok Hilton

College Football Round-Up: Week 1

Hero Status: Donald Gibb

Bacon Bourbon Manhattan

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros on Letterman

The Replaced Kentuckian

The Obama Burger

A Duncan Carol, by Dick Charlens

More Fun Saturday Music

Cee Lo Green

What the Effin' Crap?!

Countdown to Mike's Bachelor Party

BREAKING NEWS: Aquaman Releases Profanity-Laced Response to BP

Bluegrass music, Bowling, Beer, Brooklyn

Enter the Paul

LebowskiFest in Louisville Metromix

Virgin Pie

Musics Old & New for the ol iPod

Bourbon Dinner

Predator Vs. Sloth

Because I Missed His Phone Calls

Explaining Beaver Fever

1 Degrees of Separation from Jesse Ventura: Billy Crystal

1 Degrees of Jesse Ventura