50 Nights of Horror 2014: Week 2 - Gothic Seventies Women of the Night ("Thrill Me")

This week I watched way too many B-movies from the '70s, but the silver lining is that there were lots of boobs.  So there's that.

The Believers (1987)
Genre:  Cult
Format:  VHS

This was a pretty effective film that worked for me on several levels.  First, it takes place in New York City.  Since I've moved up here, movies - especially horror movies - resonate a little bit more than they would otherwise.  Martin Sheen's performance of a single father is a great one.  I'm sure he's dropped some stinkers throughout his career, but I haven't seen one yet.  And he doesn't stumble in The Believers, either.

I'm always a little hesitant to invest in a movie when the performance of a child actor is important, but the kid in this movie is much better than the acting I witnessed last week in Audrey Rose.  So that's a strong point for me to emphasize, too.  Well done, kid Harley Cross.  You acted admirably.  One of the strongest points has to be the special effects.  The bubbling blisters, especially.

And finally, Richard effin' Masur is in the house!  Awesome.  Much respect for Richard Masur.  And he does magic.  Eat it.  The cast in general is great.  Martin Sheen.  Masur.  The cranky judge from Ghostbusters 2.  Robert Loggia.  Jimmy Smits.

But you need to know what this movie's about, so let's stop rambling.  On the one side of the movie, we have Martin Sheen doing his best to juggle his police psychiatrist career with the responsibilities of raising a kid on his own after his wife dies early in the film (pretty great death scene).  On the other side of the movie, New York City has been slowly corrupted by a Voodoo Death Cult that has somehow latched on to Sheen's son.  So Martin Sheen has his hands full.  It's a fun story.  And sometimes it's genuinely scary.  A little bit Rosemary's Baby with a dash of The Fury.

Friday the 13th Part VII:  New Blood (1988)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  Netflix Streaming

This isn't your typical run-of-the-mill F13 entry.  It should be noted that this is Kane Hodder's first spin in the Jason role.  So that's a pretty neat piece of trivia.  And Hodder's Jason is a nice bonus to the otherwise typical Jason killings.  The film features the typical 80's cool teens vs. introspective teens with a checkered past.  But that's where this film takes an interesting twist.

The introspective teen with a checkered past has telekinesis, and this "mutant" power manifests itself when she's feeling the most anxiety.  If this sounds familiar, it's because the young woman in question seems a whole lot like Stephen King's Carrie.  In fact, this movie probably would have been more successful if it had promoted like an old Universal monster vs. monster movie:  Jason Vs. Carrie!

Otherwise, F13:7 goes along like a typical F13 movie.  The teenagers are just sympathetic enough to keep the movie going along.  So there's my brief summary.  Kane Hodder and quasi-Carrie are the memorable aspects of this one.  Everything else is typical Jason.

OH!  I almost forgot...we get extensive shots of Jason's face without the hockey mask on.  So there's that, too.

A Horrible Way to Die (2010)
Genre:  Slasher-ish Thriller
Format:  Blu-Ray

I gave this movie a try because of Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett.  IcyJones had told me about this film last year, and I just now received a copy from Netflix.  I don't want to poop on it because I know it has it's fair share of fans, but I did not enjoy it.  In my opinion, it felt like 110 minutes of buildup to 10 minutes of interesting story.  This just wasn't for me.

Night of the Creeps (1986)
Genre:  Zombies
Format:  Netflix Streaming

Yes!  This movie is everything that was great about 80s zombie films.  It's funny.  It's scary.  It's a smattering of different horror genres (zombies, aliens, slasher, etc.).  And in an odd twist, we see the female lead's boobs early on in the movie!

The relationships of the characters are pretty great, too.  We have fraternity jocks vs. nerds (always a recipe for greatness).  There's a detective that lives in the shadow of a murder case he worked as a teenager.  Two best friends/roommates working through the conflict of finding love on a college campus.

So take all of those great themes, and add flamethrowers, shotguns, cigarettes, snappy one-liners, alien worms, and...BOOBS!

I watched this movie as part of a Halloween challenge almost 10 years ago, and it's one I revisit often.  You really can't go wrong with this one.  It's in a similar vein as Return of the Living Dead, but better acted and directed.  This is one of my all-time favorites.  And it's streaming on Netflix, so don't miss out on this one.

Curtains (1983)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  Blu-Ray

Curtains had been on my radar for a couple years, but for the longest time the movie was only available as part of a multi-movie DVD, and from what I could gather, the transfer was a piss-poor VHS transfer.  When I found that Blue Underground has released a Blu-ray of the film, I saw this as an opportunity to add what had been an elusive slasher to my collection.

This was a really entertaining, very watchable, very engaging slasher flick that I stumbled upon. The poster doesn't give the movie credit (I thought it would be dealing with a witch, not unlike Suspiria).  It is an honest-to-God, straight-forward, whodunnit slasher.

John Vernon plays a creepy, creeeepy director who invites a gaggle of beautiful women actors to his mansion to audition for a role in his upcoming project.  The catch is that each woman must audition against the other women in the home.  And for some reason, women keep disappearing (usually after having some sort of "private" audition with the director).

(he's REALLY creepy in this scene)

Early on we know we're dealing with something funky, though, because one woman is stopped on her way to the mansion by a weird doll in the middle of the road.  When she goes to remove the doll, something crazy happens, and then she's murdered (maybe).  So we're introduced to the matter of murder pretty early on.  From there, though, we're treated to some well-done standard slasher fare, but there are a couple other things at play here, too, and I don't think any of it was really bad.

In fact, much of it is genuinely beautiful.  In an ugly way.  The killer here is quite horrible to look at.  This ice skating scene in particular was shoot wonderfully.  I believe it gets most of the credit of the film.

For a bit, the movie seems disjointed, and when I watched the Blu-ray's extras, it made a little more sense.  The director had a vision of a very artistic murder movie, but the studio was looking for a more commercial slasher film.  It appears that the two met in the middle for an excellent piece of 80's horror.

It gets a little wonky sometimes, but I think it's a gem.  If I had come across it with no expectations, I would have this ranked as the top movie of the year so far.  It's comes pretty close to The Vagrant, but the crooked plot and themes of Curtains give it just an ounce of dead weight that push it out of the running.

Satan's Little Helper (2004)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  Netflix Streaming

I feel really bad that Amanda Plummer is in this movie, because I really like her, and I really disliked this movie.

Look, I understand that the movie is made on a tiny budget, and I get that the plot depends on the audience allowing for silliness, but...still...

Here's my beef:  we have some really miserable child acting on display.  And in this kind of movie you NEED some good acting, because the bad guy here is always wearing this creepy mask.  He never talks.  And that's not necessarily a bad thing, either.  Plenty of killers never talk (Jason, Michael Myers, etc.).  But this killer does silly Looney Tunes-type gags.  And he/she is inconsistent.  The killer murders people (off-camera..dumb) indiscriminately at the beginning of the movie, but when he comes to blows with one of the movie's heroes, he bonks him on the head and lets him live for reasons never explained.

On top of that, the characters have no problem letting a little kid play games that promote Satan.  The mother encourages it.  Which is silly, but who am I to judge?  It just seems that at some point, society would have shown this shitty little kid the difference between right and wrong.  And for the kid to continue accepting that everything he and SatanKiller is doing is fun and pretend...well...he'd have to be really effing stupid.  At one point the team (kid and killer) terrorize a grocery store and then ram a grocery cart into old people, handicapped people, and a baby carriage.  AND he watches the killer feel up his sister (who he also has an unhealthy infatuation with).

I feel like this movie is probably for juggalos only.  Trenchcoats and metal and crap.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  It's just not for me.

But seriously, the kid yells "BOOBIES!!" when he sister is getting felt up by his "buddy."

The Vagrant (1992)
Genre:  Psychological Thriller/Horror Comedy
Format:  DVD

Ho-lee Crap.  This is freaking awesome.  I bought this movie as part of the Scream Factory All Night Horror Marathon, and I really didn't know what to expect from it.  All I knew was that Bill Paxton was screaming on the cover.  And honestly?  I'm glad I didn't have any sort of expectations for this movie, because it really snuck up on me and tickled me in a place that I haven't been tickled in for quite a while.

That should be your takeaway for this movie.  "It tickled Paul in a weird place."

It's funny.  It's gross.  It's surprisingly gory and dark.  It's something you really ought to watch, and it deserves more awareness.

The gist here is that Bill Paxton is a hardworking dork who moves to New Mexico for work.  He works hard to impress his fiancee, his boss, and his friends.  And when he overextends himself by purchasing a big house, his troubles are doubled when he discovers that the house is occasionally occupied by a homeless man.  And the pressures of juggling a strained, long-distance relationship, a high-pressure job, a heavy house payment, and an invasive bum begin to make Bill Paxton freak out in that classic Paxton manner.

The level of awesome gets cranked up to 11 when Michael Ironside comes on the scene as a detective who things Paxton might be creating the entire scenario as a cover for his own murderous inclinations.  Repeat: Michael Ironside!

Marshall Bell plays the vagrant in question, and the movie goes for a very wild ride for the third act.  It reminds me of Raising Arizona filtered through The Intruder and directed by Sam Raimi.  In fact, after watching the movie, I would have sworn that Sam Raimi played some part in the film's direction.

This was such a surprise strike that it might be my favorite of this year's films.  The 4-Pack DVD sells for less than $10, so if you have some moolah to burn, know that it would be well-spent for this movie alone.

Virgin Witch (1972)
Genre:  Witches (?)...and sex
Format:  Netflix Streaming

This is the kind of movie that helps you realize that you're almost at the bottom of the barrel.  It also helps put some of the other movies you've watched into perspective.  Virgin Witch is a 1 a.m. "Skinemax" remake of an American Horror Story: Coven story arc.

Two sisters leave their conservative small town and head for the big city.  One sister dreams of modeling, and she meets a talent agent that is secretly a lesbian witch cult leader.  Well, she's actually Assistant TO the Witch Cult Leader.  And she's a lesbian.  THESE ARE ESSENTIAL TO THE "STORY" SO PAY ATTENTION.

Non-model sister is apprehensive when model-sister decides to go to the talent agent's isolated, country estate for a "photo shoot," so she tags along for the work/vacation.  While they're at the countryside cult estate, they get involved in sex cult politics and do witchy things.  It is bad.  But the kind of "bad" that I would have stayed up until 4 a.m. to watch when I was 12.

The Spell (1977)
Genre:  Witches
Format:  Netflix Streaming

This was one in a string of crappy 70s movies that I watched and kind of forget.  I remember there being some cool stuff that threatened to happen along the way, but it just..didn't.  I think I read somewhere that this movie was made for TV, so I can forgive it for that.  In fact, I can afford it a little charm for that reason.

The premise here is very similar to the story of Stephen King's Carrie.  I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that this movie was a direct response to the success of Carrie.  I just don't even want to spend any more time on this.  There's a neat twist at the end, and we even get one cool death scene.  But, just don't.

Mortuary (1983)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  VHS

It's odd when you can say a movie is both flat and uneven, but fun at the same time.  That's where Mortuary sits.  It's pretty silly, but altogether worth watching.  The movie is centered around an attractive young woman who is trying to wrap her head around the fact that she witnessed her father's murder...she thinks.  She might have dreamed it.  Or it might have been hypnotically suggested by a weird cult.

If this sounds like an extreme episode of Geraldo, you might be onto something, because a lot of other 80's stuff happens in this movie, too.  Roller rinks.  Cut-off sweaters.  Bill Paxton.  But more importantly, there's a caped killer going around and whacking people.

The movie is a lot of fun once it settles on being a slasher.  The biggest shortcoming is the lack of consistent direction.  Sure, there is fun to be had with red herrings, but there's a little bit too much going on for too much of the movie.  And it's not all done that well, either.  Come for the goofy Bill Paxton overacting, but stay for the competition between the mother and daughter having a competition to see who can expose the most lingerie cleavage.

!!DOUBLE FEATURE REVIEW!!
Count Yorga, Vampire (1970)  Return of Count Yorga (1971)
Genre:  Vampires
Format:  Netflix Streaming

COUNT YORGA DOUBLE FEATURE!!
Wikipedia tells me that the Count Yorga movies are two of the first to feature a vampire living in modern times ("modern" meaning 1970s).  That's pretty important, right?  And the movies were released by American International Pictures, so that should give you a sense of the quality of these films (think Poe-era Roger Corman movies).  One important note to keep in mind is that the first film was supposed to be a porn, but the actor playing Count Yorga was influential enough to make it a straight-up horror film.

V-Neck t-shirts were actually invented by vampires

The women in these movies are beautiful, even if the death scenes aren't.  The deaths are creative sometimes (Yorga steps on a priest to drown him in quicksand!!), and even kids aren't safe when they're involved.

The characters involved in the films are sympathetic enough to keep you engaged, and at one point even Coach (Craig T. Nelson) gets involved as a goofy cop.  There's some well-used humor sprinkled throughout, so even though these are gothic horror themes, the movies don't take themselves too seriously.  They're scary enough, but not too scary.  These would be great first-vampire movies for someone new to the scene, or someone taking their first steps to rehab after getting involved in the Twilight series.

"Twilight?"

The Horror Show (1989)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  Netflix Streaming

There's a lot of good stuff happening in this movie.  IcyJones has a good write-up of the movie here, so I'll just add a little bit to the review.

I have been watching a lot of crummy movies recently, and this one was a nice change.  It had recognizable stars (Lance Henriksen and Brion James).  There was a budget for special effects.  The script wasn't terrible.  And there was a legit sense of humor throughout the film.  It was a much needed change of pace for me.

The movie is flawed.  I can't imagine there are many people that can defend it in its entirety.  But there's a lot of good stuff happening here.  The movie doesn't take itself too seriously, and that's ok.

The Evictors (1979)
Genre:  Ghost Story/Slasher
Format:  Netflix Streaming

The short description of this movie on Netflix makes it sound like it has a lot of potential.  And the opening minutes of the film make it look promising, too (bank robbers get trapped by cops in their home and die in a shootout...so they'll DEFINITELY make for vengeful spirits...right?).  And it stars Michael Parks (Kill Bill, Red State), so it should be a slam dunk

But it is a steaming pile in the vein of The Town That Dreaded Sundown.  The movie is paced extremely slow, and the final act is very unsatisfying.  I wouldn't go out of my way to watch this movie if I was you.

The Legend of Hell House (1973)
Genre:  Haunted House
Format:  Netflix Streaming

I love this stuff.  Mid-70s, Gothic horror.  Genuine scares in a haunted house.  Black cats jumping from the shadows.  Roddy McDowall.  Creepy mansion/castle place.  JACKPOT!

Shout Factory recently released this on Blu-ray, and it's a fun enough haunted house movie that I might have to add it to my collection sooner or later.  For now, I'm very satisfied to find it on Netflix.

And one of the cooler aspects of this film is that it doesn't have a whole lot of special effects.  And they just didn't need them.  The movie is directed and paced so that the viewer is always seeing something lurking in the corner but never quite in the foreground.  There was really only one point that I thought the movie got a little too silly:  "Let's cleanse the house by plugging in this energy-purifier....OH NO!  SOMEONE UNPLUGGED THE GHOST PURIFIER!!"  That's not exactly what happens, but you can imagine where I'm going.

If you don't have any other movies lined up this Halloween season, let this one take you for a ride.  It's worth it.

BONUS MATERIAL:
My buddy Mike has been e-mailing me some brief reviews of horror movies he's been watching this fall.  I enjoyed them so much that I asked for his permission to include them on my own blog.  He conceded, so here are some of Mike's horror movie reviews for 2014:

The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976) - Mike's Rating: Lots of potential but very slow and very boring - 3/10

The Craft (1996) - Mike's Rating: Fun story & 90's nostalgia - 7/10

The InnKeepers (2011) - Mike's Rating: Lots of time needed for the set-up, terrifying ending - 7/10

The Sacrament (2013) - Mike's Rating: Not what I expected from Ti West. It felt like a documentary with a dark subject - not a horror movie - 4/10

Detention (2011) - Very fun. A Scott Pilgrim-ish teen horror film - 8/10

The Woman in Black (2012) - Mike's Rating: Awesome gothic horror story, creepy haunted house and a scary ghost - 8.5/10

The Crazies (2010) - Mike's Rating: An hour and a half Justified episode with violent zombie-like country folk - 8/10

A Haunting in Connecticut (2009) - Mikes Rating: Not how I remembered it. Definitely scarier the first time. 2nd time = Kind of cheesy - 5/10

I hope he keeps those coming.  That's some good stuff.
If you're looking for more horror reviews, don't hesitate to check out IcyJones' reviews, too.
It seems like more and more of us are watching these movies, so if you have something you'd like to see reviewed, or if you'd like to share your own, send me an e-mail.

50 Nights of Horror 2014: Week 1 - Nature Finds You Guilty

The 50 Nights of Horror will probably be a tad unbalanced this year.  Lots of things going on all at the same time.  So bear with me.  That's not to say that this is going to be a tosser of a Marathon.  But it might be aggravatingly weird.  So it goes.

Long Weekend (1978)
Genre:  Environmental Terror
Format:  DVD

This movie turned up on my radar as something of a 70's horror classic.  I suspect the term "classic" might have been used loosely, but it ain't too shabby.  The first hour of the film felt pretty sluggish, and after doing a bit of reading, I found that the writer of the movie agreed that it had been paced poorly.

I should also mention that this movie is Australian.  Very Australian.  The stars of the movie hit a kangaroo with their car and accidentally shoot a dugong.

An Australian couple weekend takes a holiday to go camping.  They're having a difficult time with their marriage (affairs, abortions, and other typical marital stumbling blocks).  They're also real jerks to nature, and nature, in its infinite wisdom decides to get its revenge.

The writer noted that he wishes he would have explained at the beginning of the movie that neither star survives.  I'll spare you a boring hour of this movie and tell you that up front so you can enjoy the movie more than I did.

The last 30 minutes, though, get thoroughly creepy.

So if you're into Australian horror, or 70s horror, or "Green" horror (Gore = gore), you'll probably like this movie, but I won't recommend it for casual scary movie fans.

Friday the 13th Part IV:  The Final Chapter (1984)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  DVD

Holy crap.  I thought the F13 series was basically tired and done after the 3D installment that more or less fizzled, but Joe Zito's chapter of the franchise was really exciting and well done.  Crispin Glover is in this movie, and so is Corey Feldman so....80'S PARTY!

The premise doesn't stray too far from the successful F13 formula, but there is a nice, new kink thrown into this one.  Instead of taking place right in the middle of a summer camp with a bunch of horny teenagers, this one takes place with the same stereotypical teenagers renting a vacation cabin and partying next door to a family of three (right next to Camp Crystal Lake).

**FULL DISCLOSURE**
Since last year's 50 Nights of Horror Challenge, my customer moved from Brooklyn to a new warehouse and office near Princeton.  Now I spend a lot of night's on the road, traveling between home and my new workplace.  Coincidentally, this new office is not too far from Blairstown, NJ, the actual home of Camp Crystal Lake.  Not-so-coincidentally, I have purchased all of the F13 movies and have been gradually working my way through the entire oeuvre.  I have a new found appreciation for the movies.  [END FULL DISCLOSURE][RETURN TO ONLY PARTIAL DISCLOSURE]


The kills here just seem.. better.. which sounds like the kind of thing a crazy person would say.  But hear me out.  The kills are more meaningful because the charaters are more sympathetic.  Yes, they're still stereotypical, but c'mon... watch Crispin Glover dance to impress a girl.  Even the annoying schmucks are a little more sympathetically-annoying.

Part of me wonders if this was so good, if so much additional attention to detail was given to this entry because it was supposed to be the last in the series.  You and I both know that it definitely was not the last of the series, but perhaps that is what gave it that extra zing to set it apart.

I actually enjoyed this one so much that I sought out a VHS copy to have for my collection.  If you only watch one of the sequels to the F13 franchise, at this point I recommend this one.  Of course, you owe it to yourself to see the original, because it was not terrible, and it influence the crummy Halloween costume decision that millions of asshole big brothers and shitty older neighbors would make for years to come.

Friday the 13th Part V:  A New Beginning (1985)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  DVD

Eh.  Remember when A Nightmare on Elm Street released their first sequel that turned out to feature a not-so-subtle homosexual subplot?  Or how about when the Halloween franchise decided to lean heavy on daddy issues?  Or even worse, when the Halloween franchise thought it would be cool to walk away from Michael Myers and feature evil warlocks with television-based murder powers?  Well, this one relies a little too heavily on the name-your-teenage-angst-and-dress-it-in-the-slasher-genre theme.  Here, grown-up Corey Feldman has become a buff, studly, deranged, antisocial, drug-addled weirdo.  He has everything going for him, except everything.  Everything is actually working against him.

One of my problems with this movie is that we're supposed to believe that in the years between F13:4 and F13:5, Tommy Jarvis, a smart kid that appeared to have everything going for him, has grown up to become become an off-balanced, psychotic, dispassionate, anti-social weirdo ever since he encountered Jason Voorhees.

Another problem I have with this installment is that, unlike F13:4, the stereotypical teenagers are all unlikable.  Unlike the last chapter, in F13:5, you WANT all of these buttholes to get disemboweled.

The only saving grace of this movie is that we're force fed a lot of red herrings as to whom the killer is.  Unique to this installment, we don't know if Jason is killing these jerks or if it's another character that we may or may not have met.  So that's kind of neat.  Otherwise, I think you're safe to pass on this.

I don't want to give too much away, but the killer's reveal is really, really dumb and anticlimactic.

Red Herrings?  Or just jerks?

It is notable that the intention of the producers was to step away from Jason Voorhees as the big baddie in the franchise.  Like the Halloween franchise, F13 was going to feature a different villain in each movie.  Unlike the Halloween franchise, however, F13 recognized not to stray too far from what made the franchise work in the first place - horny coeds getting slaughtered.  So the slasher angle was meant to stick around (again, as opposed to Halloween 3's half-assed Stonehenge sci-fi masks taking over the world....so dumb...).  When you consider that this was supposed to be the first of a new "breed" of F13 movies, you can almost forgive it for being what it is, the weakest link (to date) in the F13 series.  I've seen bits of Jason vs. Manhattan, and I haven't seen Jason X yet, so there's still time to make this seem less awful.

Redeeming Quality:  The African American punk from Return of the Living Dead pops up here as the older cousin of one of the film's "heroes."  [POSSIBLE SPOILER]  He may or may not die while taking a dump in an outhouse.

Friday the 13th Part VI:  Jason Lives (1986)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  DVD

At the very beginning of this movie's predecessor (F13:5), we're treated to Tommy Jarvis having a dream that two men dig up Jason's corpse, and the corpse magically comes alive and murders the men as a start to his newest killing streak.  This turns out to be a bad dream, and a silly one at that, because there's no sense to two men...digging up...Jason Voorhees....or for Jason to......magically come back to life......right?

In an odd twist, Tommy Jarvis (recast from John Shepherd in F13:5 to Return of the Living Dead's Thom Mathews here in F13:6) no longer an anti-social psychopath living in a Jason-haunted drug-haze, decides to take his friend along as they dig up...Jason Voorhees...who......magically comes back to life and beings a crazy killing streak.  That's weird.

So resurrected-Jason returns to his roots and begins killing camp counselors and any camp-related attendee or employee while poor Tommy Jarvis does his best to convince the police and the hottest female camp counselor that Jason is alive and on a killing streak.  You pretty much know what to expect from this one.  It's nice to have that familiarity back, but it's still missing something.  There's a lot of humor sprinkled in here.  Maybe that's what throws this one off from being a typical, bloody, fun slasher.  Not terrible.  Better than the last one.

Nightmare City (1980)

Genre:  Zombies(?)

Format:  Netflix Streaming

(sigh)  This is almost a zombie movie, and it almost makes sense.  The premise sounds really cool:  reporter makes his way through a city from start to finish as a zombie plague works its' way through the population (think 28 Days Later on Day 1), but it's just too cheap and silly and inconsistent to really work.

If you're a zombie completionist, absolutely go for it.

There are a few neat gags (jerk doctor expertly throws scalpel into a zombie's face from across an operating room), but there are way too many characters in this movie, and too often they're introduced with no relevance or weight.  So even when they get killed by their wicked stepmother, you don't really care.

The gore here is kind of weak.  In fact, it usually looks like cow pies liberally applied to the face.  And if I remember correctly, we also get the vacant-eyed, blue makeup to make people look like they've lost all of their blood (think Dawn of the Dead).

It's a cheap, sloppy zombie movie, and some people like that.  In this case, I just wasn't feeling it.

REDEEMING QUALITY:  The movie stars Hugo Stiglitz, an actor later memorialized by Quentin Tarrantino in Inglorious Bastards (though I don't see any correlation between real Stiglitz and movie Stiglitz).

House of Wax (2005)

Genre:  Slasher

Format:  Cinemax On Demand

You probably know this as the horror movie with Paris Hilton in it.  There's a little bit more going on that that, but not too terribly much more.

Such as special effects!  They're really awesome in this movie!  Sweet!  Do you see that guy's jaw melting off?  How cool is that?!  Hopefully this movie is full of this kind of body-melting effects!  

Well...shit.  It's not.  This movie probably would have been borderline great if these gory scenes weren't spread so far apart.  At one point I actually gagged and choked at the disgusting scene I was watching.  But then I was bored again for 30 minutes.  Then it peaked again!  Then it was boring again.  And so on.

This being a slasher movie, one indistinguishable if not for the special effects, we're treated to the stereotypical high schoolers/college kids doing stereotypical kid things.  The atmosphere, though, and I can't stress enough how cool the special effects are, those are my big takeaways from this film.  

I would also like to point out that this movie was released in 2005 and has an extremely 2005 nu-metal soundtrack.  Check this out:

Booyah!  I guess System of a Down and AFI were busy that weekend.

I was kind of bummed that my wife had seen this movie before I had.  She walked into the room while I was watching the movie and said, "Oooh!  Chad Michael Murray!"  I didn't know who that was, and when I asked, she explained that he was on shows like One Tree Hill and Gilmore Girls.  This kind of ruined the movie for me, too.  That, and there were about 10 minutes where this was too torture-porn-y for me.  A little too unnecessarily graphic.  But some people are into that.  So there you go.

Audrey Rose (1977)

Genre:  Exorcism, Haunting

Format:  Netflix Streaming

With the exception of Sir Anthony Hopkins' creepy performance (almost as good as 1978's Magic), this movie fell pretty damn flat.  Others found the performances to be exceptional.  I found all of them to be exceptionally bland (if not bad).

The gist here is that a daughter is beginning to have severe nightmares, and the nightmares are affecting her on a physical level.  One such nightmare results in burns appearing on the girl's arms.  Around the same time the nightmares start, a creepy dude begins showing up regularly.  After the first act of the film, we find that the creepy dude is Anthony Hopkins in disguise.  Duh duh duhhhh!

But wait!  He's not here to eat the family's faces or anything!  He's actually here because the nightmare daughter is actually HIS daughter.  Well, sort of.  Y'see, HIS daughter died 11 years ago in a terrible car accident, and the NIGHTMARE daughter was born two seconds after HIS daughter died.  And to help cope with the death of his wife and daughter, Anthony Hopkins has been on an international religious journey where he's studied all kinds of religions, and now he knows that HIS daughter's soul is actually trapped in NIGHTMARE DAUGHTER'S body and... ok.... you know this is going to end badly.

It's hard to tell who's the bad guy here, and sometimes that can make for a good movie, but not here.  So save yourself the time and go watch Friday the 13th Part IV on VHS.  You can skip this one as far as I'm concerned.

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So, that's the wrap-up for week 1.  I'll take the time to write a summary of Week 2 as soon as I can.  If you're hungry for more horror reviews, check out my buddy's blog, IcyJones Movie Mayhem!