I blame myself for not engaging in a better pace for the horror movies this go-round. I have more reviews to type up, and the highlight of the season won't even be discussed in this post (because I'm lazy and behind). IcyJones and I went to a four-movie horror marathon at the Yonkers Alamo Drafthouse. Dismember the Alamo was incredible, but so much so that I need to dedicate a separate post to the experience. There are also a couple of movies that I slipped in under the radar but haven't typed up yet. I might just continue to type up reviews throughout the year. Irregularly-paced and plotted, but still there nonetheless.
Halloween: H2O (1998)
Genre: Slasher
Format: DVD
The ending to this movie is pretty bleak, so I watched through the credits to make sure I didn't miss anything. I won't spoil the ending for you, but I feel like I should let you know that Creed sings the lyrics "something something God Damned" on this movie's soundtrack as the last credits roll. Off of the top of my head, I can think of Creed appearing in the soundtracks to H2O, The Faculty, and Scream 3. Dimension Films must have had them on retainer or something. That's so freaking depressing.
Also, this is the least intimidating serial slasher I've ever seen (serial slasher would mean Halloween, F13, Hatchet, etc.). Jason never looked this weak. Michael Myers looked less like Victor Crowley and more like Mike Myers (SNL, Austin Powers). I'm being very critical, but the mask here is all wrong. Michael Myers is supposed to have dead, black, soulless eyes. In this installment, however, Michael Myers emotes - a lot - with his plain, sissy-white huge eyes. This isn't a dirty, disheveled Shatner mask. This is a Hello Kitty, anime mask. Michael Myers had always been physically intimidating, but in this movie it looks like they just picked up any old dude who already owned a janitor's coveralls and slapped a mask on him. "Here, Angus, you're going to be the bad guy in a Hollywood movie." I don't know why I settled on the name Angus, but the name seems appropriate for this version of M. Myers.
The movie also fails to ever really produce a scare. There's one remotely tense scene where Myers is chasing Josh Hartnett and Michelle Williams (not a bad young cast), but it passes quickly. Rounding out the cast are Jamie Lee Curtis (returning to the franchise that made her), Adam Arkin (awesome), and LL Cool J. It's pleasantly surprising that the movie limits LL's screen time. He really could have butchered this movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt also appears early in the movie. This puts him right in in the middle of his time on Third Rock From the Sun and 10 Things I Hate About You. Oh, JGL, what a wild ride your career has been.
Fun Joseph Gordon-Levitt fact - he once played a character in a movie named Chris Pratt. Which is weird, because there's a real Chris Pratt that is a star in his own right. And Chris Pratt was once in a movie called Jennifer's Body, which co-starred Adam Brody, who was in a movie called Scream 4, which was a sequel to Scream 3, which ---GASP--- also featured Creed on the soundtrack.
HauntedWeen (1991)
Genre: Slasher
Format: VHS/Theater
Oh man. This movie was a lot of fun! I have to be perfectly honest in the fact I was jaded about this movie because it was shot in Bowling Green, KY, home of Western Kentucky University (a school where I injured my liver many evenings). There are some very subtle nods to the school, and after some simple conversations, I discovered that one of my friends has some serious connections to this movie. In fact, she had even done some work as an extra for the movie when she was a kid.
Let me back up, the Alamo Drafthouse hosted a Video Vortex (sponsored by Horror Boobs). This is an event where obscure VHS movies are presented in a large theater on a large screen. What you get is actually VHS quality, and chances are good that you won't be watching the presented film at your home any time soon.
When I read a description that said "shot in Bowling Green, KY," I was sold. I didn't need to do any further research on the movie. I just wanted to see it. And if you've ever been to one of the Alamo Drafthouses, you know that it's a good evening. Tickets to the movie were only $1. What could go wrong?
I won't lie and say that this was a great movie. It was made on a tight budget with some very inexperienced actors. But there's something to be said for making something with the tools at hand.
Because of the personal connections I have to this movie, I opted to buy a copy for myself. And when I did, I ended up buying said copy directly from the writer/director of the film. Doug Robertson seems to be an extremely cool dude, and when I asked for memories of the film making process, he told me that the summer spent making Haunted-Ween was one of the best summers of his life.
There are some extremely silly murders in this movie, but the final act is actually pretty frightening. I won't spoil the ending for you, but it is both silly as hell and creepy at the same time. I'll probably be watching this one again soon for a lot of different reasons.
The Godsend (1980)
Genre: Killer Child
Format: DVD
Is there anything else on TV tonight? Go watch that instead. The only thing worth seeing in this movie is Donald Pleasance's daughter. She is not featured prominently throughout the film, but she conveys a LOT of creepiness in her few scenes.
You've seen this movie before, and you probably saw it done better. I was reminded of both The Omen and The Orphan. A young family adopts the weird baby that a weird woman births unexpectedly in their home. Sounds weird, doesn't it?
Well, the weird baby matures into a weird adolescent, and she may or may not be responsible for the deaths of the family's original kids.
Good gracious. Just don't. This movie should have only lasted the span of a Movie of the Week on a local television station, but somehow someone thought it would be a good idea to turn it into a 90 minute pile.
Campfire Tales (1997)
Genre: Anthology
Format: DVD
I'm not really sure what the backstory is in regards to this movie, but it features some extremely talented, albeit green actors that have gone on to do some significant work since 1997. None of the work is exceptionally spooky, but then again, the movie is simply a retelling of urban legends that each of us has heard hundreds of times over.
I would say that this kind of anthology movie would be perfect if you're looking for a movie to show someone that hasn't spent much time watching horror movies. If they're just beginning to dabble in the genre, and they're not prepared for much gore or too much suspense, this is a great horror training wheels movie.
Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Genre: Slasher
Format: DVD
Instead of writing a solid movie review of this mess, I decided to just type up the notes I jotted down as I watched it. This movie doesn't really warrant a review, because I get the impression it wasn't really supposed to be a movie. This was a real disappointment, and a sad ending to the Halloween franchise. Here we go:
- Real World meets Slasher without much sense or merit.
- Is this really just a Busta Rhymes vehicle?
- I think this is the first horror movie I've ever seen to feature a PDA (remember those?).
- A little nod to Peeping Tom with a camera kill. This is the most "horror movie" thing about this movie so far.
- Big Budget franchise response to Blair Witch Project?
- Tyra Banks is totally jamming to a song that I would totally believe is one that she wrote and performed.
- Wanna taste something tasty and delicious? You ever tasted 40-year-old fennel? That's strange, it smells fresh... [so Michael Myers cooks with fresh fennel seeds....seriously?]
- So the original family (the Myers) left the house the way it was after so many people were murdered there, but they decided to repair the closet doors where Laurie Strode was so famously trapped?
- You know what? I kind of get it. The slasher genre took a suspenseful step forward thanks to the first-person scares that were popularized in the first Halloween, so it is kind of a nice nod that so much of this movie is the first-person perspective of the victims. Kind of.
- Busta Rhymes in a Michael Myers mask. My life of watching horror is complete.
The Abominable Dr. Phibes
Genre: Roger Corman Horror/Slasher?
Format: DVD
I'm watching this one as I type up this blog of reviews. Dr. Phibes strikes me as a beautiful cross between Hannibal Lecter, Dracula, The Phantom of the Opera, the old people in the anti-smoking commercials that have lost organs to cancer, and Wile E. Coyote. He's funny, dark, charming, gross, and menacing. The movie is beautifully British and 70s. The character of the sergeant reminds me of Donald Pleasence's character in Raw Meat, but a much better version than Pleasence's character.
I can't believe I haven't seen Vincent Price talk at all during this movie. This might be the the movie that convinces me to purchase the recently released Vincent Price Collection.
Children of the Corn
Genre: Killer Children/Cults
Format: Netflix Streaming
I will never forgive my friend Patrick for building the hype up on this one. I was told that this was one of the scariest movies he'd ever seen when we first watched it together. That was about ten years ago. So I've felt about 10 years worth of disappointment for this film, and I felt like it was time to revisit it.
Let's toast to ten more years of disappointment with this movie!
The aspect of this movie that bothered me the most is that Stephen King must be WAY more disappointed in it. If the story had been given to a half-competent screen writer and/or director, it could have been genuinely scary. Some movies of the past five years that have done WAY better with less have been The Crazies (2010) and Red State (2011). And if you're looking for a much better, older version of this film, check out Who Can Kill a Child (a movie I reviewed last year that is much better from start to finish).
The film fails to frighten or induce any sort of panic. It is extremely to blase. It seems that with language aside (I *think* they might have said the F word), this is very TV-M (if that, even).
Child acting isn't always great, and this film even makes a 20+-year-old man out to be a poorly-acted pre-teen. The dialog isn't terrible, but the movie cliches are. I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but I'll go ahead and let you know that the last time I saw such a cheesy, happy ending to a film was in a 70 year-old instructional video. And considering all of the events that occurred during this story, NOBODY should have been so nonchalant as the film's survivors. How this movie spawned so many sequels is a testament to the value of Stephen King's name.
This movie makes me want to turn GARBAGE into a 4-syllable word.
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Genre: Slasher
Format: DVD
One of my favorite settings, New York City, my home, is featured heavily in the title and trailer, and unfortunately it only makes an appearance in the final act of the movie. The introduction that starts the movie features some AWFUL, TERRIBLE music, but on the other hand, you get to see the Tim Burton's Batman logo featured in Times Square.
Let's talk about the music for a second. Keeping in mind that I watched a DVD copy of this movie about 20 years removed, I can't be certain that I was getting the movie's actual soundtrack throughout. I really hope that was the case, because this movie sounded so much like the 1980's Jazzercize videos my mom used to buy at Big Lots. And that is lower-common-denominator, terrible, 80s "keytar" power ballad music. Karl Rove wouldn't even listen to this stuff, let alone afflict anyone with it.
This is by no means a good movie. That being said, there's something charming about this trash that makes me appreciate it. I don't think the filmmakers here ever really wanted to make a great slasher movie. If nothing else, this movie made me realize that the F:13 franchise was really done with trying to make scary movies and was just printing money. The script, though, introduces *just enough* of a story for each character that you have a moment to sympathize with them before Jason brutalizes them.
Through the first four installments, Jason Voorhees was a mortal man, albeit one scarred by neglect, near-drowning, and odd campfire mutations. In the fifth movie, he was noticeably absent, and in the sixth movie, he was imbued with dark magic. This "dark magic" moment was when the franchise took the nasty turn into Nightmare on Elm Street territory.
The last couple Halloween movies were extremely flawed, but at least we recognized that there was no magic involved with Michael Myers. If he experienced something like, say, decapitation or electrocution, he was actually going to die. It would take a whole lot to kill the dude, but he was mortal. Jason Voorhees was a lot of fun until he reached the immortal level. Superman isn't that fun of a super hero to watch, because you know he can't die. Jason becomes less-threatening, because you know he'll be conquered by the end of the movie, but he will return. That's when bloody murder takes a backseat to stupid scenes like...like an otherwise-hidden killer (the kind that used to hide behind doors and under beds and inside of closets) deciding to walk through a glass door. And that's not disrespectful to Kane Hodder, the actor that portrayed Jason, at all, because he really makes a fun character out of a really bad movie.
I haven't seen Jason Goes to Hell (scariest VHS cover ever) or Jason X yet, but I don't have high hopes after this one. Still....it's so silly that it's endearing. Also, Julius gets his head punched off, and you don't get to see that happen often enough.
The Craft (1996)
Genre: Witches
Format: Netflix Streaming
I hadn't seen this movie since it came out. I remember checking the VHS out at Blockbuster with my mom, and watching it with my family and my girlfriend. We sat around, eating Velveeta and corn chips, and my mom led a conversation afterwards about the rights and wrongs of taking shortcuts.
Because above everything else, this movie is about taking shortcuts. It's pretty cut and dry. Four young women are dealing with young Gen-X woman problems (as filtered by Nu-Rock and The Chemical Brothers). There's not a whole lot going on in this movie, but I do imagine it was The Lost Boys for my generation...of girls. Fairuza Balk runs this show, and it makes me feel kind of sad that she hasn't done more.
I had the thought that Keifer Sutherland's character from The Lost Boys would have been the perfect fit for Fairuza's character from The Craft, because that's what watching a memorable hormonal scary movie from 1996 does to me. It turns my horror marathon's into MTV's Singled Out (hosted by Chris Hardwick and Jenny McCarthy).
Skeet Ulrich and Neve Campbell are also featured in this movie (Scream!), but they only appear in one scene together, and I don't think they shared any lines. Poor Skeet Ulrich. Poor Neve Campbell. Neve Campbell actually plays third string in this movie, and her character arc isn't all that sympathetic, either. Poor, poor Neve Cambpell. Let's check out her IMDB.com page...
Poor, poor Neve Campbell. But hey, I remember that appearance on Mad Men! It actually had a lot of potential. I was sorry to see that it never developed into anything. Poor Neve Campbell. At least you got that Scream money.
The Exorcist III
Genre: Possession
Format: DVD
Do not start this movie at 12:30 at night expecting anything that will keep you on the edge of your seat. There was a lot of good stuff happening here, but...it just wasn't enough to keep me up and running. I'll have to revisit this one at some point down the road.
Without Warning
Genre: Aliens
Format: Blu-ray
If you're a huge fan of Martin Landau or Jack Palance or if you're looking for an obscure alien movie for an alien movie marathon, this movie will float your boat. I had high hopes for this one when I read that it was a "thematic predecessor to The Predator." Also, it featured Kevin Peter Hall as the alien (he played The Predator in...The Predator!). So what could go wrong?!
(sigh) It just overall sucked. There weren't many scary scenes. The craziest actors did a really good job "doing" crazy, but their character arcs didn't really justify any of them. The mood of the film wasn't really anything. It wasn't 50s campy. It wasn't 80s cocainey. At one point, we *almost* saw boobs, but...
Listen, if there's something on FX or AMC, you might be better off just watching that instead. Tons of potential, but it just doesn't go anywhere. It's nothing like The Predator. It has some scenes that have potential for some honest-to-God scares. If you think of Night of the Creeps as being AWESOME, think of this movie as being the opposite of that.
Dr. Phibes Rises Again (1978)
Genre: 70's British Horror
Format: DVD
Holy crap. Count Yorga (Robert Quarry) shows up to spoil Dr. Phibes' plans of attaining eternal life. Where the last movie seemed a bit too heavy-handed on my first viewing, this one already a more light-hearted, doubly-psychedelic five minutes into it. And good Lord can Vincent Price can make an entrance.
Ben Grimm/The Thing from Fantastic Four makes an appearance as Yorba's butler/bodyguard. I don't really understand why so many butlers are slight British men. If I had the budget for one, I would always opt for a thick, musclebound butler just in case some maniac plotted to kill me with clockwork snakes.
Phibes really brings it with the cross-dressing, WWF bad guy villainy, too. Like the grandfather of Golddust. Hey, Peter Cushing is in this movie, too! Bad. Ass!
The story here really progresses faster than the original Phibes movie, and it's a lot funnier, too. The kills are both more gruesome and darkly funny. Good stuff here.
Seed of Chucky (2004)
Genre: Dark Comedy, Killer Dolls
Format: Cable
You know you're having a slow, crummy Sunday when you commit to sitting down and watching a movie the likes of Seed of Chucky. This film was so bad for so many reasons that I feel like the filmmakers intended to just make a Troma-Meets-John-Waters film scramble. Waters actually makes a brief appearance in the film, and his is a fun inclusion. But unless you're really dedicated to this franchise, or if you love John Waters, or if you're still waiting for Jennifer Tilly's boobs to fall out (keep waiting), I think you can afford to go watch something else. Go outside and get some fresh air instead of sitting through this one.
Finally, some brief movie reviews from Mike. He decides to review some non-horror things for reason unknown:
Thursday, October 16th: Fright Night (1985) - Tied with Lost Boys for favorite 80's vampire film. Fantastic vampire/monster special effects that today's CGI will never be able to replace - Mike's Rating: 9/10
Friday, October 17th: Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) - I used to think the first-person footage films were fun because they were different. Not so much anymore. This is a carbon copy of the other two. Mike's Rating: 4/10
Saturday, October 18th: Phantoms (1998) - Liev Schreiber is gold. Creepy effects. Mysterious monster. Amazing soundtrack. Hidden gem. Mike's Rating: 8/10
Sunday, October 19th: Scary Movie 2 (2001) - I have a weak spot for horror movie spoofs. Obviously going for comedy rather than horror... Chris Elliot is awesome. Mike's Rating: 5/10
Monday, October 20th: Ray Donovan... this show is good. (No Horror Movie)
Tuesday, October 21st: House (1986) - The movie paid off in the end, but it took too long to get to the creatures/monsters that I wanted to see. Mike's Rating: 5/10
Wednesday, October 22nd: Ray Donovan is becoming my crack (No Horror Movie)
Thursday, October 23rd: Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990) - I fit in a movie after Ray Donovan. Unfortunately, it was this crap. And I usually love horror anthology movies. Mike's Rating: 3/10
Friday, October 24th: Halloween (1978) - A grade-A classic. Halloween night itself is captured on film so well. That opening shot... and that soundtrack... it's gold. Mike's Rating: 10/10
Saturday, October 25th: Night of The Living Dead 3D (2006) - Ugh. Awful. I wish I had watched the Tom Savini remake instead. 2/10
Sunday, October 26th: The Conjuring (2013) - Insidious made me jump. The Conjuring gave me goosebumps. Insidious is a fun horror-film. The Conjuring is a scary horror-film. James Wan is talented. Mike's Rating: 9/10
Monday, October 27th: Ray Donovan... I mean, Mickey danced his ass off to Heavy D & The Boyz's cover of 'Now That We Found Love' in a flamboyantly-trashy gay bar. So good. (No Horror Movie)
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