David Lasoski - Unrequited Lover and Ultimate Tough Guy

Excerpts from the entry on David Lasoski from next book:

Main Entry: ¹sauce

Pronunciation: \ˈsȯs, usually ˈ>sas for 4\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin salsa, feminine of >salsus salted, from past participle of >sallere to salt, from >sal salt — more at salt

Date: 14th century

1 : a condiment or relish for food; especially : a fluid dressing or topping 2 : something that adds zest or piquancy 3 : stewed fruit eaten with other food or as a dessert 4 : pert or impudent language or actions 5 slang : liquor —used with the

David Lasoski - The day I met David Lasoski I had no idea what I was getting myself into. An obliterated, skinny little guy wandered into my apartment and started harassing my roommate. I would never have suspected that some years later he would be my roommate. It is funny how that worked out.

Recently I was reminded of what a compact, little beast he is. Apparently, something has tricked his eyes into becoming blood-red globes of Cajun-spiced fury. David and his doctors like to claim that this is allergy-related. I prefer to think that the fiery, mean demon inside of David is slowly bubbling to the surface. However, to placate the red-eye, doctors/priests have prescribed eye drops.

Eye drops?! Seriously?! You think that can bottle the genie that is inside Dave?!

I digress. Somehow I was tasked with the responsibility of returning these eye drops to David after they had been left behind at a cabin we'd vacationed at. Needing money for cigarettes and liquor (two things I often purchase for myself at David's expense), I sold the eye drops to some drug runners that I know in Louisville. I did not tell David about this. Not many people realize the street value of black market prescription eye drops. Nothing elevates you to another plane of existence like prescription eye drops.

When David started texting me and calling me for the return of these drops, I knew what I had to do: replace the eye drops with Frank's Red Hot Sauce.

As soon as I saw him next, David snapped the small tube from me and proceeded to the nearest bathroom to calm his irritated eyes. And he never screamed or flinched. I do not believe he even noticed that he had put hot sauce in his eyes. And this confirmed what I always thought about David: he is no normal man.

There are a lot of supernatural qualities about David, and I constantly find myself referencing them when I describe Mr. Lasoski. But that's best left for another post.

But for as extreme and intense as David is, I can also confirm that he is a delicate, gentlemanly lover. I cannot confirm this through personal experience (fortunately), but I can tell you that the guy leaves women satisfied. He is the immaculate playboy. Whether it comes through with his singing, his dancing, his cooking, or simply his playful, giggle-filled storytelling, there is no denying his effectiveness.

There are too many aspects of David Lasoski to adequately describe in one entry. Similarly, one book would not in itself give him justice. Even the Encyclopedia Davidica would surely omit parts of the legends.

He is the sound a tree makes when it falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it. The tree, in its dying breath, whispers, "David Lasoski."