A Duncan Carol, by Dick Charlens

[Scene: Duncan's home, late at night. He has just returned from gambling in Saratoga with friends and is exhausted. He slumps into a chair and stirs some tea, grumbling to himself about the lack of female inoculation over the weekend. As he stops stirring his tea, he listens, and realizes that the ticking sound of clocks has stopped. He stares around the room and realizes that he feels a breeze, even though the window is closed and the ceiling fans are turned off, and the window blinds are fluttering. He starts to walk towards the window to investigate, but suddenly there's a loud knock on the door.]

Me: Open up, Hinkle!

Duncan: Who goes there?! It's late! It's too late for me to open the door!

Me: Its your old partner, Duncan. It's me, the long lost Paul Schlotterbeck.

Duncan: That's impossible! Paul Schlotterbeck doesn't live here! Be gone, you trifling nuisance!

[at this point an ethereal phantom of Paul Schlotterbeck walks through the door, scaring the bejeezus out of Duncan]

Me: Duncan, I came here as a warning. A warning that this weekend, if you're not too busy, you will be visited by THREE spirits!

Duncan: Technically, there are no such things are spirits, soooo....I don't believe you. Go away.

Me: There are TOO spirits! How do you think I got in here? I just walked through...THROUGH your freakin' door, dude! I. AM. A. SPIRIT!

Duncan: That's it. I'm calling the Ghost Adventures guys. They'd know what to do with you.

Me: ENOUGH! Those guys are douche bags! Silence yourself an listen to me, mortal! [flames shoot out of eyes, appearance temporarily takes the form of Ghost Rider, then reverts back to Phantom Paul.]

Duncan: Dub.

Me: This weekend you will be visited by three spirits! When the calendar strikes Friday, August 6th, you will be called upon by The Spirit of Paulmas Past. On Saturday, August 7th, you will be visited by the Spirit of Paulmas Present. And if you're cool with it, the Spirit of Paulmas Yet To Come will sleep somewhere on the floor or on a couch and will try not to snore too loud.

Duncan: Tell me, phantom Paul, why would you curse me with such visitors?

Me: Because I'm bored. And because I miss you, dude.

Duncan: OK.

[the room goes pitch black. When the lights come back on, slowly dimming up, Duncan is alone in the room. He goes back to his chair, stirring his tea. Later he falls asleep. When Duncan begins snoring, Phantom Paul cracks the door to the pantry where he's been hiding, quietly slips out, tip toes across the room, slowly unlatches the door, and walk out.]