50 Nights of Horror Challenge: Week One - Demented Teletubbies, Dirty D-Lo, David Bowie Terrorize Audience (in 3-D!!)

50 NIGHTS OF HORROR CHALLENGE:  WEEK 1

A couple buddies and I wanted to challenge ourselves again to repeat last year's epic...thing...to see if we can watch 50 horror movies in as many nights.  This year we were surprised to see that if you count back 50 nights from Halloween, the count stops on Thursday the 12th... ONE NIGHT BEFORE FRIDAY THE 13TH!  This means nothing, but felt appropriate for a blog.  I also stepped up my participation during week one so that I can afford to take some nights off in anticipation of my wedding.  Also, I pushed it last year to see how many movies I could sneak in before the 50 night mark, and I intend to do the same this year.  So here we go.

A Hatchet for the Honeymoon (1970)
Genre:  Psycho Slasher
Format:  Netflix Streaming


"YOU LIKE HORROR FILMS, DO YOU?"

The oddest thing about A Hatchet for the Honeymoon is that nobody ever really takes a honeymoon during the course of the movie.  And maybe it's one of those quirky British-American gap words that doesn't translate well from one country to the next, but I don't remember a hatchet in the movie at all.  Unless the words "cleaver" and "hatchet" are interchangeable, there's been a mistake in the movie titling process.

The title sequence is pretty cool.  It looked like stop-motion chalk art.  I didn't realize I was watching a Mario Bava movie until the opening sequence, too, so this was a nice surprise.  Similar to Romero's Martin, the movie opens on a train, and there's a murder.  I don't think I'm giving much away, but the murderer in question is a very pretty paranoid, murderous crazy man (David Bowie pre-David Bowie).  He's fashionable (he runs a company that designs and models wedding dresses), he's in a terrible marriage (his wife won't divorce him), and his mother was murdered in front of him when he was a kid (or was she?).  The murder he witnessed as a child shaped him into who he is as an adult.  There's a clumsy plot whose intention is to make us sympathize with the beautiful wealthy man in a bad marriage that sleeps around:  with every murder he commits, he "experiences" his mother's murder more clearly, and he needs to "see" who committed the murder so he can have his revenge.



Bay of Blood (1971)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  Netflix Streaming


Despite the awesome movie poster I saw for this movie, it didn't leave any real great impressions on me.  There was ample nudity and some Italian-style giallo violence.  But nothing extremely great here.  Imagine a soap opera with graphic murders instead of slow poisonings.  I can say that I got very excited when I realized I had seen most of these murder scenes before...they were lifted almost shot-for-shot in Friday the 13th Part II.  Other than that, I thought this movie was pretty unremarkable.

Scream (1996)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  VHS


There are very few horror movies that bring me as much personal satisfaction as Scream does.  I'll never forget watching this with my best friend in my parents' basement late at night.  I can't remember how we convinced my mom to rent this for us or how Ben convinced me to watch it.  At the time, I avoided horror movies and preferred much lighter fare.  But there we were, scared to death, laying on broken-in couches in the dark, Ben - too scared to keep digging into the bowl of popcorn, me with the stereo remote control turning the sound up and down according to how scared we were.

And this is one of those movies that tipped the scale for me.  Before too long, I was absorbing as many classic slashers as Blockbuster or Movie Warehouse stocked.  The next Christmas I received a glut of horror tapes from my dad, and I would watch them in my room late into the night.  When I saw Scream for sale at the flea market, mom bought it for me, and that night I watched the only scary movie with my mom that we've ever seen together.  Somewhere along the way, I picked up my own Scream replica mask.  I would convince my sisters to watch the movie with me, and while they were too paralyzed to notice, I would sneak off, put on the mask, and proceed to jump out of closets or from behind couches.  When they had friends over, my sisters and their friends would borrow the movie to watch, and I'd jump out and scare everyone all over again (much to the delight of my sisters).

At the time, I loved the references to other movies.  I still love them.  The last time I rewatched the movie, I scribbled down all of the name of slashers that Randy jabbered off, and I've purchased or watched most of them since then.  It's a great nod to the genre, and probably the best horror movie to come out for my generation.  This is the TRL generation's horror film.  I love this movie.

Scream 2 (1997)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  Netflix Streaming


The success of the first Scream generated a swell in sloppy knockoffs.  I Know What You Did Last Summer, Urban Legend, the later Halloween sequels (H20, Halloween: Resurrection), and a lot of other garbage.  Scream 2 almost suffers a similar fate, but it managers to dance on that line and fall down on the side of a good horror film.  The murdered cast members from the first movie are replaced by the very capable Jerry O'Connell, Timothy Olyphant (!), Rebecca Gayheart, Portia De Rossi, and Sarah Michelle Gellar.  My favorite addition to the cast, and my favorite secondary plotline in the movie, is Liev Schreiber's reintroduction as Cotton Weary.  Schreiber plays the coolest foil in the movie.

The weakest parts of the movie?  An obnoxious Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett.  Randy and Dewey don't provide the necessary humor they brought in the first film.  It's more an intrusion than a necessary break in the terror they brought in the first film.  The movie would have been weaker without them, because it's nice to see carryover characters in any franchise.  It certainly got more distracting in the later sequels.

My favorite memory about this movie was going to see it on a double date before a Fall dance.  I didn't know my date all that well, and the romance never really got going between us.  Going on a double date to my first scary movie in a theater ever probably didn't help much.  That being said, I was wearing my new Starter Jacket (What up 1997?!), and I was so scared and uncomfortable during the movie that I kept my hands crossed or in my pockets the entire movie.  When the movie was finally over, I was shook and my hands were soaking wet.  I was sick with fear.  It was great.

Scream 3 (2000)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  Netflix Streaming


"ANYONE CAN DIE"
Things have gotten a little out of hand for the Scream franchise at this point.  Even though this horror franchise is the one my generation grew up with and watched with each other as teenagers, this one feels the least realistic and most out of control of the four.  Sid develops the one-off ability to have some sort of psychic dreams.  The killer(s)(?) is/are way more advanced than they had been in earlier movies (remote explosion killings, leaving clues, etc.).  More than anything, this jumps out of the fun whodunit formula of the first two movies and heaps on a heavy-handed amount of LOOK AT HOW META WE ARE (all caps and everything).  On top of that, Neve Campbell doesn't show up in any significant role until the second half of the movie.  Like the Nightmare on Elm Street series, the movie just advances at a much better pace without the lead actress being in danger.  Dewey and Gail do not the sympathetic victims make.  I preferred the idea of high school teenagers escaping from a killer.  In Scream 2, college age young adults fleeing a killer is still ok.  But in Scream 3, everyone's an adult, and they really should know better at this point.

"THE PAST WILL COME BACK TO BITE YOU IN THE ASS"
The METAness of this mess is smoothed over by the great cast.  Where Scream 2 essentially recycled the same cast as the first installment, this one introduces some great additions to the survivors of the first two films:  Parker Posey, Emily Mortimer, McDreamy (he kind of sucks here), Scott Foley
And some neat cameos, too:  Roger Corman, Lance Henrickssen, Carrie Fisher, Patrick Warburton, and Jay & Silent Bob (wtf).

In an extremely unnecessary cameo, Randy makes a video from the afterlife and interacts with the gang to help them deal with life within a horror movie.


I'd say that the most incredible thing about this movie is that Wes Craven agreed to come back to direct it.  The plot is messier than any other entry in the series, and the scares aren't typical Craven.  I read that the events of the Columbine School Shooting affected how Scream 3 played out ,and I suppose you can see that.  The gore isn't here.  The violence is missing.  It's "goofy" level have been cranked up to eleven.  That's not to say it's a bad movie, but it certainly doesn't carry the water of the the other three films.  The ending, twist and all, makes for a nice cap to the trilogy.

Watching it, I remember the first time I saw the movie.  It wasn't in theaters.  Instead it was at a friend's house in the early afternoon.  I wanted to be playing N64, not watching a tired horror franchise, so my memory of this film wasn't exactly positive.  This second time around, I found myself much more entertained.  That being said, another memory that got refreshed was the single from the Scream 3 soundtrack that gets played during the movie.  It's Creed.  And at one point you see a Creed poster hanging on a wall.  That's kind of...that's kind of a bummer, right?


The 'Burbs (1989)
Genre:  Horror Comedy
Format:  VHS


This movie is so Joe Dante, and, accordingly, so awesomely funny and creepy and 80s.  This was also the first movie I can remember really coming to enjoy Tom Hanks.  The Burbs was a regular video rental for me at the Findlay Public Library, and it was that much satisfying for me to revisit this gem in the VHS format.  The scares are legit.  The undertones of horror and paranoia seep in everywhere.  This is a very good movie.  This is also the movie that The Watch tried a little too hard to be.  If you're a fan of Beetlejuice, Ghostbusters, or Nothing But Trouble (you're probably not a fan of Nothing But Trouble), you're doing yourself a disservice if you haven't put The 'Burbs into your regular rotation.

Calm the hell down, Dirty D-lo!

Like most Dante films, this one has Dick Miller, Bruce Dern, Corey Feldman, Carrie Fisher, and Henry Gibson.  (Sidebar:  Henry Gibson was a great actor.  He's one of those actors that you remember fondly, but you can't place where you remember him from or why it's a fond memory, but it's there.  Always enjoyed him.)  There's a zany terror score that accompanies the movie.  And everything just works right together.  There's even a The Hills Have Eyes-type menacing dirt redneck that reminded me of one of my college roommates (I'm calling you out, D-lo).

As a kid, The 'Burbs made me laugh and also jump and pull the cover over my eyes.  As an adult, I didn't jump quite as much, but I still enjoyed the hell out of the thing.  Also, this:

Scream 4 (2011)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  Blu ray


I regret to say that this is a Scream movie that I did not see in the movie theater.  One of my good friends was upset with me.  "Paul, even if you're not that interested, you have to go support our generation's horror franchise."  He was right, but I still missed it.  Selfishly, I watched it by myself in my apartment.  That being said, I selfishly loved almost every minute of it.

And then I rewatched it for this newest challenge, this time with my fiancee.  The firs thing that caught our attention?  Courtney Cox is not aging well.  Aside from Neve Campbell's hair, nothing about her looked significantly older.  In fact, nobody else really looked like they had changed at all.  Even the characters introduced to replace Stu and Randy seem appropriate and in the right place.  The same can not be said for Courtney Cox's cheekbones or lips.  I'll do my best to avoid the Cox-hate (COUGARTOWN IS NOT FUNNY IT IS GARBAGE - ok, that's it), and get on with the movie report.

Scream 4's new blood

Each member of the new, young cast nails it.  I don't know if credit should go to casting or to the cast itself or to the writers, but the new batch of talent gave the impression that they could have carried the movie's theme on their own.  Maybe that's the underlying message to this chapter of the Scream franchise.  I won't ruin the ending for anyone, but throughout the entire movie, the viewer gets the impression that all of the existing cast of recurring characters is dispensable, and any of them could be replaced by the newer, fresher cast (each of which conveniently holdover those characteristics that would make them "fit" into a deceased character's spot without distracting from the franchise's chemistry).

It made for a refreshing entry, one superior to Screams 2 and 3.  I had to explain the movie's opening to my fiancee, because it wasn't just META.  It was MEmemetataTA, meta inside meta amplified by meta, to the point of absurdity, and I prefer to think that this is how Wes Craven washed his hands of Scream 3.

My only non-Cox complaint for the movie was the inclusion of Mary McDonnell as Sidney's aunt.  Her participation was minimal and distracting and really not deserving of McDonnell's time or talents.  Had her role been bigger, this would be a different story.  As it was, though, it did not advance the plot or the characters.  And I've had a soft spot for her since Dances With Wolves.  (If you haven't seen Dances With Wolves, imagine The Last Samurai with American Indians instead of the Japanese)  (If you haven't seen The Last Samurai, imagine Avatar with Japanese instead of giant blue aliens).

One more note:  I dislike the ending of the movie, but I can appreciate it for the sake of the franchise.  Also, Adam Brody, dude, who did you piss off?

Don't Look Now (1973)
Genre:  Ghost Story
Format:  Netflix Streaming

I've enjoyed Donald Sutherland for a good, long time.  This movie is no exception.  It is a little too artsy fartsy for me during this challenge, but that's not to say that it wasn't a good, creepy movie.  I can still appreciate the slow-burning mystery/thriller aspect of the film, and I can safely say that there is at least a tiny bit of blood, gore, corpse, and an old blind woman rubbing her boobs.  At one point I thought I had this movie figured out.  I had tied up all the loose ends, I prematurely untangled what I thought was the twist, and I proudly sat back to see my theory prove to be right.

I was wrong.

Everything that I thought I had figured out about this movie was completely off base.  It is methodically paced, beautifully shot, and artfully constructed and edited to tell a very eerie story.  In other words, it will stick out in a bad way in the midst of the bunch of hastily-thrown-together, made-on-the-cheap slash-and-burn horror movies I anticipate watching for this year's challenge.

There is a sex scene in the movie that I read about several years ago.  According to the article  I read, it was one of the most provocative, controversial, realistic depictions of fornication ever released as part of a motion picture (non-porn).  Granted, I think I saw Donald Sutherland do the type of thing that gives Michael Douglas cancer, and there were definitely Julie Christie breasts, I don't think it was quite as upsetting as other portrayals I've seen recently on FX or AMC.

Deathdream (a/k/a/ Dead of Night) (1974) 
Genre:  Monkey Paw
Format:  DVD


The genre I assigned to this movie is "Monkey Paw."  If you've never heard of that theme, read a summary here.  The general idea is that bad things happen when you interfere with fate.  Deathdream is the Monkey's Paw story filtered through PTSD and the cultural guilt associated with America's involvement in Vietnam.

A guy that wears floral printeshirts
and chokes dogs can't be all bad.

With that in mind, there's not much else that needs to be said about this film.  Deathdream is as sensitive about the material as a horror movie can be.  The special effects are pretty excellent for 1974, though there aren't many of them to be seen.  Andy plays a son who mysteriously returns from the Vietnam War, claims to his family that he was killed overseas, and becomes a vampire/zombie/serial killer (or does he?) (he does).

Significant note:  this movie was directed by Bob Clark and written by Alan Ormsby.  Clark had previously directed a movie I wrote about last year (Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things) and would go on to direct Black Christmas, Porky's, A Christmas Story, and Superbabies:  Baby Geniuses 2.  Bob Clark has a pretty screwed up filmography.  Alan Ormsby wrote and starred in CSPWDT, and would go on to direct Deranged (which I'll write up later in the challenge) and write Cat People, Porky's II, and The Substitute.  Ormsby's filmography looks to be considerably more linear.

The Brood (1979)
Genre:  Creature Feature/Slasher
Format:  DVD


Whoah!  This movie was pretty badass.  I haven't ever been a huge fan of David Cronenberg, but I have to say that recently I've watched a handful, and I've been very surprised.  In this movie, there was a very slow burning "BLARGH!" moment accompanied by an even grosser, though subtler "blargh" moment later in the same scene.  I don't give into shockers often, but this one had me covering my mouth out of guilty, satisfying disgust.

From the very start of the movie, you know this is going to be something different.  Proximo from Gladiator is sitting in a dark room with some dirty, hairy hippy.  It appears that the movie is a cold open to a very intimate discussion between a verbally-abusive father and his sexually-insecure, junky of a son.  Soon we are revealed to be part of an audience watching a psychotherapist perform a verbal lobotomy on his patient in front of a room of...students?  Weirdos with a taste for the grossly-dramatic?  The general public?  I don't think this is ever fully established, but it succeeds in establishing that the movie we're about to see is going to challenge our concepts of comfort.  Mine was absolutely challenged in the aforementioned "BLARGH" seen.

All blonde girls from 70s-80s horror movies
remind me of Stephanie from Full House

One theme that makes the movie most effective is the single father (who my friend and co-conspirator IcyJones accurately pointed out looks like a full-sized Peter Dinklage) trying to care for his desensitized,
severely-rattled daughter.  It speaks on several levels to parenthood, divorce, and the general pressures of the family and how the outside world can affect it.  Oliver Reed (Proximo from Gladiator) is a slimy effin therapist, and right away he's introduced as one of those elements that is breaking up our hero's family.  What we don't know is how exactly, but an astute viewer can get the gist of what's happening.  Ultimately, the daughter is in danger, and we need to figure out how to protect her.  Saving the wife -- well -- it's not so much an afterthought as much as it is a necessary evil.

In one of the more surprising turns of The Brood, we actually get to see a good amount of the creepy little monsters that are initially only shown in the shadows.  This is a nice change of pace from all of those creature features that keep us guessing until the end of the movie.  In The Brood, we're exposed to the demon-faced
little assholes fairly early on, and it really enhances how scary this movie gets.  My first impression was that this would be the baby from It's Alive, and based on this picture alone (our first glance at the monster), I wasn't too far off.

If you're looking for a theme for a double feature, one could watch The Brood along with Don't Look Now because both feature creepy children/monsters wearing red jackets.  They also feature some very clever editing that you don't normally get to see in horror movies.

Can't recommend this one enough.  Early frontrunner for horror movie challenger of the year.

Friday the 13th Part III (1982)
Genre:  Slasher
Format:  3-D DVD!

For several years I have been interested in watching 3-D movies at home, but I haven't been interested enough to purchase a 3-D TV or a 3-D player.  You can't imagine how psyched I was when  I realized that the Friday the 13th 4-pack I bought not only had the third installment of the series in 3-D as well as 2-D, but it also came with the old school red/blue 3-D glasses that we used to wear when we were kids!  Excellent!    That being said, old school 3-D isn't as cool as today's 3-D, and over so much time, the cardboard frames began to dig into my nose and kind of piss me off.  I got a little dizzy.  Twas a recipe for discomfort.  It was still neat to see a 3-D movie at home, though not as effective as I imagine it would have been 30 years ago.

There's not much to gloat about with this film.  It is the first of the Friday the 13th movies to show Jason in a hockey mask.  That's something.  And the 3-D effect produced one genuine jump moment for me early on.  We got to see some eyeball violence not dissimilar from that seen in Valentine's Day.  Otherwise, this is a sequel for the movie studio's sake.  Not one that adds to any part of the story.

My biggest beef with this entry into the franchise is the fact that Jason is killing for the sake of being a homicidal slasher bad guy at this point, and his kills are blatant.  We don't have the cause that we had in the first two movies, nor do we have the whodunnit mystery aspect of the first two movies.  Jason is seen strangling, chopping, and stabbing right in front of the camera (a necessary evil for a 3-D movie, I suppose), and he does it for no reason.  It's not revenge or because someone crossed some line and accidentally decided to camp on his property.  He's just killing for killing's sake.

My lesser beef with this movie is dumbed-down gore or fear levels.  Yes, I jumped once, but only once.  I never dreaded anything during the movie like I did in the first two.  If you've ever seen a 3-D movie, you've experienced the gimmicky 3-D effect of someone playing with a paddle ball, and the ball bounces back and forth at the viewer's face.  Or a yo-yo comes into the audience and retracts back to the screen.  Well there's actually a 3-D yo-yo gag in this horror movie.  That's bad.  That doesn't belong in any horror movie.  Someone run through with a pitchfork and the handle waggles out into the audience?  That's alright.  Serial killer flings a machete towards the audience?  That's ok.  There's a scene of teens enjoying a rope swing...and it's ok because it sets up a later rope-related death gag.  But a yo-yo gimmick?  For shame!

Final two mini-beefs with this movie:  we see too much of Jason's face and there's one character you are introduced to and immediately want to see butchered...and he lasts too long in the movie.  I get having an obnoxious character included in a movie to relieve some level of dramatic tension, but "Shelly" (God, I hate his name, too) last way too long.  And Jason's face should be the kind of Macguffin that the audience only gets to see when the character is really and truly being retired.  Kind of like Darth Vader.  If we'd seen his face in A New Hope, he would have lost a ton of his menacing quality.  Jason's face being seen so much really reduces what that character, silent and everything, could/should be about.

Don't Go In The Woods (1981)
Genre:  Ultra Cheap Slasher
Format:  DVD



A movie so cheap that I imagine these trailers sopped up a good portion of its budget.  Accordingly, I attach two of them here.

"AN ORGY OF UNRELENTING HORROR"

shouldn't have gone in the woods

Something's out there waiting for hikers and campers, and that something is awfully cheap.  It's delightfully cheap, though, and like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, this film surrenders much of gore and violence to the viewer's imagination.  Unlike TTCM, though, this one does it because there's no way it could afford the special effects budget.  But there's a certain charm to it.  This movie could easily be the origin story for some mid-80's, ultra-violent WWF wrestler.  I really enjoyed it, despite all of the flaws that come with the kinds of movies made by college kids.

In one of the more "SO BAD ITS AWESOME" scenes, a wheelchair-bound "hiker" loses control of his chair, begins to roll down an embankment, and someone offscreen chops his head off with a machete.  WHOAH!  That's a testament to the cheap, guilty pleasure that this movie is.  A super cheap, super corny, really not good version of TTCM, or The Hills Have Eyes, or Wrong Turn...and for some bizarre reason, I loved it.  I'm not saying its going to challenge The Brood, but I hope someone out there watches it.  So much wrong that it actually feels right.

Off Season Nights of Horror: This Man, This Monster

OFF SEASON NIGHTS OF HORROR PART 2

Final Exam (1981)
Format:  VHS
Genre:  Slasher(?)


40 minutes into this movie, and the biggest scare has been a book falling from the top shelf of a closet.  That should give you a good idea of the pacing of Final Exam, a plodding slasher flick that takes place on a college campus teeming with generic characters.  There was a quick, jarring scene of terrorists invading the quad and opening fire on students before driving away in a gloss-black, windowless van (the favorite vehicle of domestic terrorists in the 80s), but that was a silly plot device reminiscent of Red Dawn, and it only served as a distraction, not leading anywhere.

"You be the girl everyone roots for, you be the fraternity leader everyone hates,
 and I'll be the dork that everyone hopes meets an untimely, ugly end."

In fact, you would think that it would be a central plot device to swell the stereotypes of all the characters involved:
-jock
-nerd
-main girl
-schlebby girl
-spoiled girl
-fraternity douches
-sympathetic fraternity victim
-redneck sheriff
-jockey football coach/phy ed teacher
...but it really doesn't play a big deal in the movie at all.
There's a threatening character in the shadows accompanied by dark synthesizer tones, but almost an hour into the movie, and the shady figure has posed and done little else.

Whadja mean?  Stereotypes?

Characters chewing on open buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, narrow, dirty halls in atomic-era dorms...the campus here actually reminds me of my freshman year at the University of Louisville.

50 minutes in and we get our first legit kill!  It's not terrible.  The movies makes the mistake of killing the character whose dialogue most closely matches that of the audience's.
"Thank you for chopping me out of these ropes!  Who's there?  Is anyone there?  That's a stupid question.  Someone must be there!  You chopped me out of those ropes.  Oh well...guess I'll walk home.  OHNO!"

...hold the phone... We've just experienced two kills in as many minutes.  There might be some hope for this movie yet.  A shadowy figure is stalking our characters.  It's a little late in the movie to build horrific tension (especially after we've established that most of these characters are unsympathetic twerps), but it looks like we might have a horrorcoaster on our hands.  I can't tell if I appreciate or abhor the murder scene that takes place in the school's athletic department.  The shotclock on the scoreboard expires at the same time one of the victims does, and the scoreboard gives a point to the visitor (heavyhanded or cool...?).

I'm pretty sure the dork isn't really drinking Irish whiskey in these shots like he's supposed to be.  He's not even faking it well.  This pisses me off more than it should.

"Warbljrglberlthrick!"

An hour in, and we see our first murder not committed in the shadows.  It's still a "shadowy" kill, and it means no gore.  So far, we have no gore for a slasher flick that takes place on a college campus.  No boobs, either.  So far, we're dealing with a made-for-CBS horror movie.  Let's hope this gets better.  It showed some signs of life in the past fifteen minutes, but it's been lifeless since.  I have an idea who our murderer is, but I hope I'm wrong.  It would be a pretty lame "twist."

I was wrong.  There are some faint shots of boobies.  They're given about the same amount of screen time as boobs saw in Titanic.  Similar plot device, too.

SPOILERS:  The killer looks just like Ken Marino.  In fact, if you told me that Marino's character from Party Down was the killer from Final Exam post-rehab, I would believe you.  Also, the use of a bow-and-arrow in this movie could be the worst battle strategy I've ever seen on film.  You'll have to see it to believe it.  Finally, the twist I thought I saw coming was just a sloppily forgotten plothole.  It had potential but never lived past its infancy.  One last thing...the movie ends with sappy piano music reminiscent of a day time soap opera.  Really, really bad.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Format:  Blu ray
Genre:  Slasher


Full disclosure, this horror movie is one of the few that have genuinely affected me physically as I've watched it.  Right from the beginning we're treated to a narrator (John Larroquette!) explaining how dreadful your viewing is going to be.  Dread.  That's the only way to define it.  You might not jump.  You might not be trying to guess who the killer is the entire movie.  But you're going to dread every god damned miserable second of what you're about to see.  Gruesome corpses (human and animal), uncomfortable weather with no air conditioning, blunt force head trauma, the feathers, the grime...blech.  And none of the characters are especially empathetic, either.  In fact, each is flawed in their own way.

My favorite/least favorite character is Franklin, the childlike crippled brother that dribbles piss inot coffee cans, sobs like a brat, and throws spit-flinging tantrums when he can't participate in mischief.  He isn't the
best/worst of the lot.  We still have sunburned drunken rednecks, and hippies...miserable, patchouli-stinking, paisley-pattern-wearing, hard-nippled hippies.

The movie makes me itch.  It's disturbingly dirty.  There's not enough Purex in the country for me to imagine rolling around in the mess that is this movie.  Tobe Hooper and his set designers and prop guys did a phenomenal job creating a movie that actually smells of rot through the screen.  It's so filthy.  And I mean this all as a compliment.  It's a testament to the movie they sought to make.  I actually feel a little relief for the characters as they're murdered, because it means they no longer exist in this awful world that Hooper has created.

I get a particular thrill when I explore old furniture or boxes full of books or cloth materials.  There's a
pleasant smell of decay.  The same could be said of old barns with rotten wood and cobwebs.  Nature has begun to reclaim the area, and you can smell it.  These are not clean sensations, but they're not altogether bad, either.  But then there's the unique aroma of roadkill or chicken carcasses that have sat in the garbage for too long.  You can imagine hearing the buzz of gnats hovering around spoiled fruit and the pungent pool of rot that collects at the bottom of garbage bags.  You can picture yourself swatting at the clouds of funky dust that you accidentally kick up when your elbow knocks an old rusty tool off of a shelf that has been otherwise undisturbed for decades, and you can imagine pinching your nose and trying to prevent any of this dust from creeping up into your nostrils as you inhale.

The movie is like a sun-blistered, yellowed piece of paper, one stained with coffee (or something) written directly to you, and on that paper is a note directed to you with some of the worst news you've ever received.  That's how this movie feels to me.  Like some of the best horror movies, this one is not really all that gruesome.  The viewer just fills in a lot of the blanks with their imagination, and you imagine some frightening things watching this movie.

This movie reminds me of any time I saw my mom accidentally slice her finger with a kitchen knife.  It's every time I ate a suspiciously soft piece of fruit and wondered if it was rotten.  It's the feeling I get when I see a

high school classmate that I used to think was beautiful, but then see wearing sweatpants at Wal-Mart with a dead, voided look in her eyes.  It's the flies I see linger on dog turds.  It's the dirty silverware you realize you've been eating with.  It's drool on the side of an old person's mouth at a nursing home.  It's the feeling of a dentist drilling a sweet spot on your tooth.  It's a radio that only picks up fuzzy AM Christian pop songs.  It's a bum's butt crack and ears full of bunches of hair.  It's a cankersore on the inside of your lip.  It's the shopping cart with a wonky wheel that you don't think you'll mind, but ultimately regret using.  None of these sensations is particularly frightening on its own, but compounded and amplified in one movie, well, its a lot to handle.  And that's why I reserve a special place for this movie, even though I've only ever seen it twice now.  It absolutely makes an impression.

This might be one of the best, moodiest, most appropriate soundtracks I've ever heard, too.  It compliments this wretched film perfectly.  I lose my appetite just thinking about it.

Classic.

Body Bags (1993)
Format:  VHS
Genre:  Anthology


I should start by saying that this movie will probably appeal to the horror aficionados on a different level than

it would to your average movie viewer.  There are some very horror-genre-specific cameos and nods.  It should also be noted, that the movie was originally supposed to be the first three episodes of a Tales From the Crypt kind of program that would air on Showtime.  The series never got off the ground, so the champion of the program, John Carpenter, serves as the narrative glue that connects each of the three stories, and he does a great impression as a mix of Beetlejuice and the Crypt Keeper.

And its really a damned shame that this show never got up off the ground.  Unlike Tales from the Crypt (which I really enjoy), Body Bags would have been directed and produced by horror genre folk - making it very different from Tales from the Crypt.  It would have been really interesting to see what directions these guys could have taken a show in.

So to make a long summary short, the film is split into three separate horror tales.  The first, "The Gas Station" takes place at an elementary school....just kidding.  It takes place at a gas station.  This chapter of the anthology was genuinely frightening at times, and I definitely jumped like a little girl during on scare.  This is definitely the scariest of the three tales.  It also featured the most significant of the cameos (in my opinion - but I'm biased).  It also features one of the slowest-moving death traps I've ever seen, accompanied by a classic death rattle (".......bitch.")

The second story, "Hair," is more sci-fi than horror, and definitely the most humorous of the three, was my favorite.  As I watched, I couldn't help but feel like I'd seen it before.  Stacy Keach, looking like a buff, TV-cop Sgt. Slaughter macho dude, plays a vain, bald (balDING! - Larry David) man having a mid-life crisis.  He worries that his loss of hair will cause his lady to love him less, so he goes to an infomercial doctor for a radical new treatment.  The doctor is played by David Warner.  I can never remember David Warner's name, but every time I see him, I think of some of the roles he's played:  Scientiest in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, Evil Wizard in Waxworks, Obnoxious Photographer in The Omen, Russian Naval Officer in Doctor Who....a pretty flippin' cool resume!  Anyhow, Doctor Warner provides Stacy Keach with the hair he's wanting.  Complications arise.  Hilarious complications with,some awesome -AWESOME- special effects.

"Hair" also features a super buff, long-haired, ambiguously-European hair dresser clad in a leather vest without an undershirt.  For the record, I would NEVER sit in that hair dresser's chair.  And shame on Stacy Keach's character for doing so.  Also, after you watch the story, ask what would happen to Stacy Keach's mustache and his pubes.

The final story is another horror tale, this one more tired that the previous two.  It's unfortunate, because it stars Mark Hamill with a country accent, a mustache and an evil eye.  Mark Hamill nails it with this performance.  It's silly, and you've seen/heard the story a hundred times, most of them done better.  But Mark does a good job with the work he's given.  Over the top, for sure, but that's what a story like this requires.  If the movie has a weak link, this is it, but through no fault of the actors.  I did have the thought halfway through "Eye," that any carryover fans from the Star Wars trilogy probably got scared and turned off of Mark Hamill after this performance.  It's just as well, but he's really grim, but not entirely frightening in this slice.

If nothing else, this movie should also be noted for its humor.  It is funny as hell!  There's a gag included about boob jobs that bowled me over.  I hope Carpenter came up with that gag.  I loved it.

Graveyard Shift (1990)
Format:  VHS
Genre:  Creature Feature

"We're going to Hell....TOGETHER!"

Admittedly, this is a clumsy horror movie, and it doesn't break any new ground in any way.  The tale is based on a Stephen King short story, so chances are high that there will be some genuine creepiness to it.  The movie art is kind of misleading, because even though there are no miners in the movie, much of it does take place underground.  And even though the acting is better than bad, the only actor I recognized was Brad Dourif, a recent favorite of mine.  The monster?  Actually pretty awesome.  When you're considering this movie, think of similar features like The Relic, The Boogens, or even The Descent.

"There's only one way to deal with these fuckers!"

I mentioned that the actors are just barely recognizable, but they were *right* there...just on the verge of recognition.  I had to check with IMDB.com to see where I knew some of these men and women from.  Mostly from TV series where they've had guest cameos.  The lead actor, David Andrews looks like Tom Berenger, but he's actually a recurring character on Justified now.  Coincidentally, both this movie and Justified are based on two short stories from two of my favorite authors (Stephen King and Elmore Leonard respectively).  The leading lady/ladies were both very attractive and sympathetic, and the bully bad guys were effective bully bad guys.  You wouldn't really recognize any of them, either.  Except maybe Vic Polizos who always looks like he's deciding whether to go bowling and grab beers with you or murder you slowly.

That leads us to Brad Dourif.  He was brilliant in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.  He was creepy as hell in Child's Play and in Deadwood (as the town doctor).  He grossed you out in the Lord of the Rings as Wormtongue (as if the name alone wouldn't clue you in).  And in Graveyard Shift he's horribly undervalued and his time is cut way too short.  In my opinion, he should have been one of the leads for this film.  His character was a little bit country, a little bit Casey Jones from Ninja Turtles, a little bit Bob the Goon (from Tim Burton's Batman) all mixed together with some PTSD.  Dourif's character is slimy, mischievous, and pretty effin funny.  In a film whose central theme is being overrun by rodents, you'd think that the exterminator would play a significant role, right?  Well, he doesn't.  His performance is still noteworthy, but just not large enough for him.  The one good thing about this is that Dourif sports one of those dangly man goth ear rings in one ear.  The kind that were popular in the late 80s/early 90s.  I always root for whatever guy wears those to be taken out early.

One of the real stars of the movie has to be the set designer.  That person deserves a lot of credit.  Wherever the scenes were shot (Wikipedia suggests a handful of different locations), they all look genuinely dirty, smelly, dusty and dangerous.  It's a very peculiar set up, too.  The movie takes place in an old textile mill, and the basement levels of the factory have been abandoned.  To get the factory up and running to its full
efficiency, the factory boss commands his employees to go underground to kill all the rats and clean it up.  The hidden levels remind me of an unmade side-scrolling NES game or even of The Goonies.  At one point, a scrambled, scared group of employees stumbles through cobwebs and across what looks like a derelict bootlegging operation in the bowels of the factory.  It was a very cool touch.

Overall, I was very impressed with the film.  I had no expectations when I slipped the tape into my VCR.  It's not Stephen King's most terrifying (apparently, every movie based on a Stephen King story carries this tagline or some derivation thereof - "From the writer of Carrie, The Shining, and Pet Sematary, here's Stephen King's most terrifying film yet!").  Regardless, a very pleasant surprise, and a nice addition to my collection.

Warning Signs (1985)
Format:  VHS
Genre:  Zombies/Plague


Purchased on a whim at a flea market, I had a very good feeling about this movie.  The summary sounded very much like a movie that had just began to run previews on TV called "Contagion" (you've probably seen this on HBO or in theaters at this point).  Warning Sign didn't have the international plot that Contagion had, but it's still a solid film.  I suppose you could say it's more a biological terror suspense thriller mixed with aspects of a zombie movie.  Maybe more like The Crazies.  Regardless, it's a fun, brainless horror-action-thriller starring Sam Waterston, Yaphet Kotto, Jeffrey DeMunn, and Kathleen Quinlan.  I can't imagine this getting re-released any time soon, because knockoffs just like it have come and gone, but it's still a good movie.

Deadly Blessings (1981)
Format:  Netflix Streaming
Genre:  Slasher


Wes Craven sure had a thing for showing women in vulnerable positions (taking a bubble bath, sleeping with their mouths open) and introducing elements of terror (snake, spider, Freddy Kreuger).  This is a particularly solid movie that elevates the tension by including a secondary plot about two conflicting cultures living in close proximity to each other.

One of my biggest takeaways from this movie was that I need to watch more of Wes Craven's works.  I actually went on a tear after seeing this. I watched Last House on the Left and the first two Scream movies.  Granted, those movies fall on two very different ends of the Craven spectrum, and I wouldn't say that any are really as thoroughly enjoyable as Deadly Blessing.

"I cast your shitty haircut out of my congregation!"

Another big takeaway?  Sharon Stone was sexy as hell when she was younger.  The movie also convinced me to watch Fatal Attraction...and I kind of regret that.

Ernest Borgnine plays a totally bad-ass, scary religious person.  After seeing The Devil's Rain, it made me wonder if he was beginning to be typecast as an evil cult leader.

The ABC's of Death (2013)
Format:  Netflix Streaming
Genre:  Anthology


Meh.  This is really flawed.  I don't think the format works at all.  I had really high hopes for this, and they were dashed, scattered, covered, and smothered quickly.

Parasite 3-D (1982)
Format:  DVD
Genre:  Science Fiction / Alien Ripoff


We put this movie on in the van on the road trip back from my bachelor party.  I wouldn't say it was a total mistake, but we also could have just counted livestock that we passed on the way home.  Also, the boobs in this movie are not good.  Nor is the gore.  Or anything, really.  Demi Moore makes an appearance, but its completely dull.

The Terror Within (1989)
Format:  Netflix Streaming
Genre:  Science Fiction/Alien Ripoff


If you have three hours to kill, and you're feeling really bad about yourself, sit down to a double feature of

Excuse me?
This shampoo was priced on sale for $0.20 cheaper!
I said "paper," not "plastic!"

Parasite 3-D and The Terror Within.  Unlike Parasite, which was a Full Moon Pictures release, The Terror Within was a Roger Corman picture, which makes it marginally better.  The cast is genuinely better.  The story and special effects, though, are equally as miserable.  Please, do not sit down to a double feature of these two movies.  Just...just don't.  There is an alien rape scene, so...so there's that.  The alien monster looks like someone that I've stood behind in a crummy bodega that insists that everything in their cart is mispriced when the cashier rings them up and the entire time their unsupervised children run rampant, screaming that they want this toy or that candy.

Last House on the Left (1972)
Format:  VHS
Genre:  Slasher/Revenge/Exploitation


I did not care for this movie, but I can understand the historical significance of it.  The film reminded me of what Times Square must have been like in the early 70s:  dirty, dangerous, uncomfortable, and annoying.  If you know anything about this movie, either you know about the remake (which I haven't seen yet), or you know that the movie is an early collaboration of Sean S. Cunningham and Wes Craven.  Cunningham went on to create the Friday the 13th franchise.  Craven went on to create the Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream franchises.  So between the two of them, there's going to be some serious weight here.

However, those franchises do not really share many similarities with this movie.  I watched the documentary that accompanied the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Bluray, and it explained that this was the first movie where the "monsters/killers" were actual humans with no connection to mysticism or magic or science fiction or Eastern European myths.  These were really just bad people with bad intentions on their minds.  You could argue that Psycho featured a regular guy going crazy, but these people aren't even necessarily crazy.  They know in their mind that they want to have fun by doing bad things.  They kidnap, rape, kill, and steal without regret.  At most, there's a feeling of "Oh great, you just got blood on my shoes."  And this was brand new.

I also read that Craven and Cunningham had worked in pornography before making this movie, and all of the actors involved understood and signed contracts that they would be giving "hardcore" performances.  It kind of makes sense, too.  I didn't recognize any of the actors involved, but there were some very crude scenes shared between everyone.  Dirty, messy scenes.  Of course, the movie wasn't released as a hardcore film, but you can imagine what you're missing off screen.

Based on what I've typed here, you can imagine where the film comes up short.  It's explosively violent and mean, and that's what the movie set out to be.  I've never seen Hostel or many of the Saw sequels.  I imagine that this was that kind of shocking movie for its day.  A very thin plot congealed together with "holy crap" moments.  I can appreciate that for what it is, but I don't enjoy it.  Suppose it's good to have in my collection, but I won't be pulling this out at Halloween every year.

Bad Ass: Michael Ironside

Did you know that Michael Ironside is a character actor?  You might say "well, duh, that makes sense."  But
what you're not acknowledging is that he stays in character in between takes.  OK...still not impressed?  Well take into consideration the characters that Michael Ironside plays, and now tell me that's not one of the scariest thoughts you've ever considered.

Admittedly, I was sheltered from many movies as a kid.  The first time I crossed the path of Mr. Ironside
was in Starship Troopers.  Before you dump this blog post, please keep in mind that I recognize I had missed some of the best Ironside roles by this point.  You know, I'll even go a step further by admitting that I'm not sure I've ever seen an Ironside movie in a theater!  It's a damned shame, and I'll be the first to admit it.  But don't take a dump in my Cheerios yet.  Know that I was so impressed with Jean Raczsak that I took note of him and admired him in every other movie I caught him in.

That includes, but is not limited to, his role in Total Recall.  In that movie, he plays the classic anti-villain.  He's a cool bad guy, but you still get the impression that, given the opportunity, he'd rather be a good guy, shtupping the cheerleader, fighting for justice.  Somewhere along the way, paths got crossed, and - well - without getting too far into it, his story is probably a better one than Quaid-Hauser's.  Definitely more Mickey Spillane-ish, anyhow (which would be right up my alley).

Before I had ever seen the movie Scanners, I was familiar with the exploding brain scene.  If you've ever e-mailed with me, you've been exposed to a .gif file of that scene.  It's one of the coolest effects I've ever seen in or out of a movie.  My friends and I often use the phrase "mind blown" or some derivative thereof.  Naturally, that .gif has worked its way into many a virtual conversation with me.  So, you shouldn't be surprised when I say that this year, when I finally sat down and watched a copy of Scanners, my mind was blown in half when I learned that Michael Ironside was the cause for said cranial detonation.  Granted, Scanners was a movie for its time (one movie worth being remade), but Ironside's performance (and also this picture) are worth the price of admission.  He plays an evil badass, a genuine badass, but you still empathize with him just a little bit.

To be completely honest, though, it was my recent viewing of the Visiting Hours (1982) on Netflix that made me look at Michael Ironside in a new light.  In that movie, he's a sublime cocktail of Anthony Perkins in Psycho, Jack Nicholson in The Shining, and Michael Myers from Halloween, all filtered through Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.  He's a scary mother fucker that acts like he could bed any woman in the bar, beat any dude in a ranch house arm wrestling tournament, hold his hand over an open flame longer than anyone else, and drink anyone and everyone under the table while simultaneously beating everyone at checkers.

Recently, he turned up in one of my favorite television series, Justified, and though he doesn't carry the same weight as he used to, he still reflected that essence of badass.  Seeing him appear in a role so perfect for his time made me realize how ashamed I am that I haven't been preaching the gospel of Ironside for years at this point.  I don't doubt that Michael Ironside is doing well somewhere, probably close to a campfire and a motorcycle, probably scaring children and grandchildren with stories filtered through his gravelly, macho voice (he does the voice of Batman for cartoons), probably clad in lots of denim.  But I'd like to think that if the fates dealt an unfair hand to Mr. Ironside, he could rob me or hold me at gunpoint.  And I wouldn't stammer or flinch.  I would recognize his craft and applaud.  Then I would probably be punctured and penniless, but I would still have seen a master doing his craft.

In an earlier post, I made note of how badass Nick Nolte is for having the middle name King.  Well, how
effing badass is Michael Ironside for having the last name Ironside.  When you think of that name, you automatically attribute an "s" to the surname, making his Michael Ironsides.  That's incorrect, but in a way, it's so right!  Old Ironsides is a nickname Americans have given to the USS Constitution, the oldest commissioned US warship afloat (maritime baddassery!).  It's not an aircraft carrier, though it does have many 44 cannons, and it's not the fastest ship on the sea (though it was for its time).  In many ways, the USS Constitution could have taken its name from Michael Ironside, and it would have seemed...appropriate.

Michael Ironside, someday, if I ever meet you, I'll buy your drinks for the night just for the sake of listening to your stories.  If you told me you'd been a member of a cult in the early 70s, I'd believe you.  If you told me the Mothman Prophecy was actually based on you, done, I'd swear it was the God's Honest.  You've entertained me on many an occasion, and I thank you, sir.  You are a badass.