Off Season Nights of Horror: This Man, This Monster

OFF SEASON NIGHTS OF HORROR PART 2

Final Exam (1981)
Format:  VHS
Genre:  Slasher(?)


40 minutes into this movie, and the biggest scare has been a book falling from the top shelf of a closet.  That should give you a good idea of the pacing of Final Exam, a plodding slasher flick that takes place on a college campus teeming with generic characters.  There was a quick, jarring scene of terrorists invading the quad and opening fire on students before driving away in a gloss-black, windowless van (the favorite vehicle of domestic terrorists in the 80s), but that was a silly plot device reminiscent of Red Dawn, and it only served as a distraction, not leading anywhere.

"You be the girl everyone roots for, you be the fraternity leader everyone hates,
 and I'll be the dork that everyone hopes meets an untimely, ugly end."

In fact, you would think that it would be a central plot device to swell the stereotypes of all the characters involved:
-jock
-nerd
-main girl
-schlebby girl
-spoiled girl
-fraternity douches
-sympathetic fraternity victim
-redneck sheriff
-jockey football coach/phy ed teacher
...but it really doesn't play a big deal in the movie at all.
There's a threatening character in the shadows accompanied by dark synthesizer tones, but almost an hour into the movie, and the shady figure has posed and done little else.

Whadja mean?  Stereotypes?

Characters chewing on open buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, narrow, dirty halls in atomic-era dorms...the campus here actually reminds me of my freshman year at the University of Louisville.

50 minutes in and we get our first legit kill!  It's not terrible.  The movies makes the mistake of killing the character whose dialogue most closely matches that of the audience's.
"Thank you for chopping me out of these ropes!  Who's there?  Is anyone there?  That's a stupid question.  Someone must be there!  You chopped me out of those ropes.  Oh well...guess I'll walk home.  OHNO!"

...hold the phone... We've just experienced two kills in as many minutes.  There might be some hope for this movie yet.  A shadowy figure is stalking our characters.  It's a little late in the movie to build horrific tension (especially after we've established that most of these characters are unsympathetic twerps), but it looks like we might have a horrorcoaster on our hands.  I can't tell if I appreciate or abhor the murder scene that takes place in the school's athletic department.  The shotclock on the scoreboard expires at the same time one of the victims does, and the scoreboard gives a point to the visitor (heavyhanded or cool...?).

I'm pretty sure the dork isn't really drinking Irish whiskey in these shots like he's supposed to be.  He's not even faking it well.  This pisses me off more than it should.

"Warbljrglberlthrick!"

An hour in, and we see our first murder not committed in the shadows.  It's still a "shadowy" kill, and it means no gore.  So far, we have no gore for a slasher flick that takes place on a college campus.  No boobs, either.  So far, we're dealing with a made-for-CBS horror movie.  Let's hope this gets better.  It showed some signs of life in the past fifteen minutes, but it's been lifeless since.  I have an idea who our murderer is, but I hope I'm wrong.  It would be a pretty lame "twist."

I was wrong.  There are some faint shots of boobies.  They're given about the same amount of screen time as boobs saw in Titanic.  Similar plot device, too.

SPOILERS:  The killer looks just like Ken Marino.  In fact, if you told me that Marino's character from Party Down was the killer from Final Exam post-rehab, I would believe you.  Also, the use of a bow-and-arrow in this movie could be the worst battle strategy I've ever seen on film.  You'll have to see it to believe it.  Finally, the twist I thought I saw coming was just a sloppily forgotten plothole.  It had potential but never lived past its infancy.  One last thing...the movie ends with sappy piano music reminiscent of a day time soap opera.  Really, really bad.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Format:  Blu ray
Genre:  Slasher


Full disclosure, this horror movie is one of the few that have genuinely affected me physically as I've watched it.  Right from the beginning we're treated to a narrator (John Larroquette!) explaining how dreadful your viewing is going to be.  Dread.  That's the only way to define it.  You might not jump.  You might not be trying to guess who the killer is the entire movie.  But you're going to dread every god damned miserable second of what you're about to see.  Gruesome corpses (human and animal), uncomfortable weather with no air conditioning, blunt force head trauma, the feathers, the grime...blech.  And none of the characters are especially empathetic, either.  In fact, each is flawed in their own way.

My favorite/least favorite character is Franklin, the childlike crippled brother that dribbles piss inot coffee cans, sobs like a brat, and throws spit-flinging tantrums when he can't participate in mischief.  He isn't the
best/worst of the lot.  We still have sunburned drunken rednecks, and hippies...miserable, patchouli-stinking, paisley-pattern-wearing, hard-nippled hippies.

The movie makes me itch.  It's disturbingly dirty.  There's not enough Purex in the country for me to imagine rolling around in the mess that is this movie.  Tobe Hooper and his set designers and prop guys did a phenomenal job creating a movie that actually smells of rot through the screen.  It's so filthy.  And I mean this all as a compliment.  It's a testament to the movie they sought to make.  I actually feel a little relief for the characters as they're murdered, because it means they no longer exist in this awful world that Hooper has created.

I get a particular thrill when I explore old furniture or boxes full of books or cloth materials.  There's a
pleasant smell of decay.  The same could be said of old barns with rotten wood and cobwebs.  Nature has begun to reclaim the area, and you can smell it.  These are not clean sensations, but they're not altogether bad, either.  But then there's the unique aroma of roadkill or chicken carcasses that have sat in the garbage for too long.  You can imagine hearing the buzz of gnats hovering around spoiled fruit and the pungent pool of rot that collects at the bottom of garbage bags.  You can picture yourself swatting at the clouds of funky dust that you accidentally kick up when your elbow knocks an old rusty tool off of a shelf that has been otherwise undisturbed for decades, and you can imagine pinching your nose and trying to prevent any of this dust from creeping up into your nostrils as you inhale.

The movie is like a sun-blistered, yellowed piece of paper, one stained with coffee (or something) written directly to you, and on that paper is a note directed to you with some of the worst news you've ever received.  That's how this movie feels to me.  Like some of the best horror movies, this one is not really all that gruesome.  The viewer just fills in a lot of the blanks with their imagination, and you imagine some frightening things watching this movie.

This movie reminds me of any time I saw my mom accidentally slice her finger with a kitchen knife.  It's every time I ate a suspiciously soft piece of fruit and wondered if it was rotten.  It's the feeling I get when I see a

high school classmate that I used to think was beautiful, but then see wearing sweatpants at Wal-Mart with a dead, voided look in her eyes.  It's the flies I see linger on dog turds.  It's the dirty silverware you realize you've been eating with.  It's drool on the side of an old person's mouth at a nursing home.  It's the feeling of a dentist drilling a sweet spot on your tooth.  It's a radio that only picks up fuzzy AM Christian pop songs.  It's a bum's butt crack and ears full of bunches of hair.  It's a cankersore on the inside of your lip.  It's the shopping cart with a wonky wheel that you don't think you'll mind, but ultimately regret using.  None of these sensations is particularly frightening on its own, but compounded and amplified in one movie, well, its a lot to handle.  And that's why I reserve a special place for this movie, even though I've only ever seen it twice now.  It absolutely makes an impression.

This might be one of the best, moodiest, most appropriate soundtracks I've ever heard, too.  It compliments this wretched film perfectly.  I lose my appetite just thinking about it.

Classic.

Body Bags (1993)
Format:  VHS
Genre:  Anthology


I should start by saying that this movie will probably appeal to the horror aficionados on a different level than

it would to your average movie viewer.  There are some very horror-genre-specific cameos and nods.  It should also be noted, that the movie was originally supposed to be the first three episodes of a Tales From the Crypt kind of program that would air on Showtime.  The series never got off the ground, so the champion of the program, John Carpenter, serves as the narrative glue that connects each of the three stories, and he does a great impression as a mix of Beetlejuice and the Crypt Keeper.

And its really a damned shame that this show never got up off the ground.  Unlike Tales from the Crypt (which I really enjoy), Body Bags would have been directed and produced by horror genre folk - making it very different from Tales from the Crypt.  It would have been really interesting to see what directions these guys could have taken a show in.

So to make a long summary short, the film is split into three separate horror tales.  The first, "The Gas Station" takes place at an elementary school....just kidding.  It takes place at a gas station.  This chapter of the anthology was genuinely frightening at times, and I definitely jumped like a little girl during on scare.  This is definitely the scariest of the three tales.  It also featured the most significant of the cameos (in my opinion - but I'm biased).  It also features one of the slowest-moving death traps I've ever seen, accompanied by a classic death rattle (".......bitch.")

The second story, "Hair," is more sci-fi than horror, and definitely the most humorous of the three, was my favorite.  As I watched, I couldn't help but feel like I'd seen it before.  Stacy Keach, looking like a buff, TV-cop Sgt. Slaughter macho dude, plays a vain, bald (balDING! - Larry David) man having a mid-life crisis.  He worries that his loss of hair will cause his lady to love him less, so he goes to an infomercial doctor for a radical new treatment.  The doctor is played by David Warner.  I can never remember David Warner's name, but every time I see him, I think of some of the roles he's played:  Scientiest in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, Evil Wizard in Waxworks, Obnoxious Photographer in The Omen, Russian Naval Officer in Doctor Who....a pretty flippin' cool resume!  Anyhow, Doctor Warner provides Stacy Keach with the hair he's wanting.  Complications arise.  Hilarious complications with,some awesome -AWESOME- special effects.

"Hair" also features a super buff, long-haired, ambiguously-European hair dresser clad in a leather vest without an undershirt.  For the record, I would NEVER sit in that hair dresser's chair.  And shame on Stacy Keach's character for doing so.  Also, after you watch the story, ask what would happen to Stacy Keach's mustache and his pubes.

The final story is another horror tale, this one more tired that the previous two.  It's unfortunate, because it stars Mark Hamill with a country accent, a mustache and an evil eye.  Mark Hamill nails it with this performance.  It's silly, and you've seen/heard the story a hundred times, most of them done better.  But Mark does a good job with the work he's given.  Over the top, for sure, but that's what a story like this requires.  If the movie has a weak link, this is it, but through no fault of the actors.  I did have the thought halfway through "Eye," that any carryover fans from the Star Wars trilogy probably got scared and turned off of Mark Hamill after this performance.  It's just as well, but he's really grim, but not entirely frightening in this slice.

If nothing else, this movie should also be noted for its humor.  It is funny as hell!  There's a gag included about boob jobs that bowled me over.  I hope Carpenter came up with that gag.  I loved it.

Graveyard Shift (1990)
Format:  VHS
Genre:  Creature Feature

"We're going to Hell....TOGETHER!"

Admittedly, this is a clumsy horror movie, and it doesn't break any new ground in any way.  The tale is based on a Stephen King short story, so chances are high that there will be some genuine creepiness to it.  The movie art is kind of misleading, because even though there are no miners in the movie, much of it does take place underground.  And even though the acting is better than bad, the only actor I recognized was Brad Dourif, a recent favorite of mine.  The monster?  Actually pretty awesome.  When you're considering this movie, think of similar features like The Relic, The Boogens, or even The Descent.

"There's only one way to deal with these fuckers!"

I mentioned that the actors are just barely recognizable, but they were *right* there...just on the verge of recognition.  I had to check with IMDB.com to see where I knew some of these men and women from.  Mostly from TV series where they've had guest cameos.  The lead actor, David Andrews looks like Tom Berenger, but he's actually a recurring character on Justified now.  Coincidentally, both this movie and Justified are based on two short stories from two of my favorite authors (Stephen King and Elmore Leonard respectively).  The leading lady/ladies were both very attractive and sympathetic, and the bully bad guys were effective bully bad guys.  You wouldn't really recognize any of them, either.  Except maybe Vic Polizos who always looks like he's deciding whether to go bowling and grab beers with you or murder you slowly.

That leads us to Brad Dourif.  He was brilliant in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.  He was creepy as hell in Child's Play and in Deadwood (as the town doctor).  He grossed you out in the Lord of the Rings as Wormtongue (as if the name alone wouldn't clue you in).  And in Graveyard Shift he's horribly undervalued and his time is cut way too short.  In my opinion, he should have been one of the leads for this film.  His character was a little bit country, a little bit Casey Jones from Ninja Turtles, a little bit Bob the Goon (from Tim Burton's Batman) all mixed together with some PTSD.  Dourif's character is slimy, mischievous, and pretty effin funny.  In a film whose central theme is being overrun by rodents, you'd think that the exterminator would play a significant role, right?  Well, he doesn't.  His performance is still noteworthy, but just not large enough for him.  The one good thing about this is that Dourif sports one of those dangly man goth ear rings in one ear.  The kind that were popular in the late 80s/early 90s.  I always root for whatever guy wears those to be taken out early.

One of the real stars of the movie has to be the set designer.  That person deserves a lot of credit.  Wherever the scenes were shot (Wikipedia suggests a handful of different locations), they all look genuinely dirty, smelly, dusty and dangerous.  It's a very peculiar set up, too.  The movie takes place in an old textile mill, and the basement levels of the factory have been abandoned.  To get the factory up and running to its full
efficiency, the factory boss commands his employees to go underground to kill all the rats and clean it up.  The hidden levels remind me of an unmade side-scrolling NES game or even of The Goonies.  At one point, a scrambled, scared group of employees stumbles through cobwebs and across what looks like a derelict bootlegging operation in the bowels of the factory.  It was a very cool touch.

Overall, I was very impressed with the film.  I had no expectations when I slipped the tape into my VCR.  It's not Stephen King's most terrifying (apparently, every movie based on a Stephen King story carries this tagline or some derivation thereof - "From the writer of Carrie, The Shining, and Pet Sematary, here's Stephen King's most terrifying film yet!").  Regardless, a very pleasant surprise, and a nice addition to my collection.

Warning Signs (1985)
Format:  VHS
Genre:  Zombies/Plague


Purchased on a whim at a flea market, I had a very good feeling about this movie.  The summary sounded very much like a movie that had just began to run previews on TV called "Contagion" (you've probably seen this on HBO or in theaters at this point).  Warning Sign didn't have the international plot that Contagion had, but it's still a solid film.  I suppose you could say it's more a biological terror suspense thriller mixed with aspects of a zombie movie.  Maybe more like The Crazies.  Regardless, it's a fun, brainless horror-action-thriller starring Sam Waterston, Yaphet Kotto, Jeffrey DeMunn, and Kathleen Quinlan.  I can't imagine this getting re-released any time soon, because knockoffs just like it have come and gone, but it's still a good movie.

Deadly Blessings (1981)
Format:  Netflix Streaming
Genre:  Slasher


Wes Craven sure had a thing for showing women in vulnerable positions (taking a bubble bath, sleeping with their mouths open) and introducing elements of terror (snake, spider, Freddy Kreuger).  This is a particularly solid movie that elevates the tension by including a secondary plot about two conflicting cultures living in close proximity to each other.

One of my biggest takeaways from this movie was that I need to watch more of Wes Craven's works.  I actually went on a tear after seeing this. I watched Last House on the Left and the first two Scream movies.  Granted, those movies fall on two very different ends of the Craven spectrum, and I wouldn't say that any are really as thoroughly enjoyable as Deadly Blessing.

"I cast your shitty haircut out of my congregation!"

Another big takeaway?  Sharon Stone was sexy as hell when she was younger.  The movie also convinced me to watch Fatal Attraction...and I kind of regret that.

Ernest Borgnine plays a totally bad-ass, scary religious person.  After seeing The Devil's Rain, it made me wonder if he was beginning to be typecast as an evil cult leader.

The ABC's of Death (2013)
Format:  Netflix Streaming
Genre:  Anthology


Meh.  This is really flawed.  I don't think the format works at all.  I had really high hopes for this, and they were dashed, scattered, covered, and smothered quickly.

Parasite 3-D (1982)
Format:  DVD
Genre:  Science Fiction / Alien Ripoff


We put this movie on in the van on the road trip back from my bachelor party.  I wouldn't say it was a total mistake, but we also could have just counted livestock that we passed on the way home.  Also, the boobs in this movie are not good.  Nor is the gore.  Or anything, really.  Demi Moore makes an appearance, but its completely dull.

The Terror Within (1989)
Format:  Netflix Streaming
Genre:  Science Fiction/Alien Ripoff


If you have three hours to kill, and you're feeling really bad about yourself, sit down to a double feature of

Excuse me?
This shampoo was priced on sale for $0.20 cheaper!
I said "paper," not "plastic!"

Parasite 3-D and The Terror Within.  Unlike Parasite, which was a Full Moon Pictures release, The Terror Within was a Roger Corman picture, which makes it marginally better.  The cast is genuinely better.  The story and special effects, though, are equally as miserable.  Please, do not sit down to a double feature of these two movies.  Just...just don't.  There is an alien rape scene, so...so there's that.  The alien monster looks like someone that I've stood behind in a crummy bodega that insists that everything in their cart is mispriced when the cashier rings them up and the entire time their unsupervised children run rampant, screaming that they want this toy or that candy.

Last House on the Left (1972)
Format:  VHS
Genre:  Slasher/Revenge/Exploitation


I did not care for this movie, but I can understand the historical significance of it.  The film reminded me of what Times Square must have been like in the early 70s:  dirty, dangerous, uncomfortable, and annoying.  If you know anything about this movie, either you know about the remake (which I haven't seen yet), or you know that the movie is an early collaboration of Sean S. Cunningham and Wes Craven.  Cunningham went on to create the Friday the 13th franchise.  Craven went on to create the Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream franchises.  So between the two of them, there's going to be some serious weight here.

However, those franchises do not really share many similarities with this movie.  I watched the documentary that accompanied the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Bluray, and it explained that this was the first movie where the "monsters/killers" were actual humans with no connection to mysticism or magic or science fiction or Eastern European myths.  These were really just bad people with bad intentions on their minds.  You could argue that Psycho featured a regular guy going crazy, but these people aren't even necessarily crazy.  They know in their mind that they want to have fun by doing bad things.  They kidnap, rape, kill, and steal without regret.  At most, there's a feeling of "Oh great, you just got blood on my shoes."  And this was brand new.

I also read that Craven and Cunningham had worked in pornography before making this movie, and all of the actors involved understood and signed contracts that they would be giving "hardcore" performances.  It kind of makes sense, too.  I didn't recognize any of the actors involved, but there were some very crude scenes shared between everyone.  Dirty, messy scenes.  Of course, the movie wasn't released as a hardcore film, but you can imagine what you're missing off screen.

Based on what I've typed here, you can imagine where the film comes up short.  It's explosively violent and mean, and that's what the movie set out to be.  I've never seen Hostel or many of the Saw sequels.  I imagine that this was that kind of shocking movie for its day.  A very thin plot congealed together with "holy crap" moments.  I can appreciate that for what it is, but I don't enjoy it.  Suppose it's good to have in my collection, but I won't be pulling this out at Halloween every year.