Update

• New and Weird Foods - ate some excellent Greek food on the upper west side Friday night. Kefi was truly excellent. By far the best calimari that I've had since Spain (so good we ordered a second plate of it). My entree was Sheep's Milk Dumplings, Tomatoes, Pine Nuts, and Spicy Lamb Sausage. I also had an Angourri cocktail (house-infused cucumber vodka, limes, and Elderflower cordial). That cocktail may not sound delicious to you, but it hit the spot. Refreshing and not so overpowering that I couldn't taste my dinner.
• New and Weird People - not a lot of this yet.
• Brewery Tours - I tried to tour the Captain Lawrence brewery, but there was a private party going on, so I went to a local bar and had the APA and the seasonal kolsch there. Kolsch didn't balance right on my tongue, but the APA was very well crafted. Fortunately, the brewery is not too far from my home, so I'm sure I'll head back there another time.
• Hooker Count - I thought I saw one Friday night, but this was dismissed. Still goose eggs for the hookers.
• Spilled Drink Count - I haven't spilled a drink since that bourbon and coke last month.

BOOZE

I have found local beers! And even a new bourbon!

First things first. Last Friday I went to the liquor store to buy some beer and check out the bourbons to see if anything new had come in.

At this point it is ok to judge me as a loser and recognize that bourbon is not a periodical and a liquor store is not a newsstand. HOWEVER, I will respond with "everyone needs a hobby." Then I'll turn my nose up at you and walk in the opposite direction.

Anyway, I picked up a six pack of Jersey beer and two 22 oz. bottles of what was described as "popular local lager." I also found a new bourbon (see? I told you!), so I bought a bottle of that to sample at home, too.

Here were my winnings:

• Long Trail Brewery's "Double Bag" - described as a "stickebier"
• Coney Island Lager
• Coney Island "Human Blockhead" Lager
• Hirsch Kentucky Strait Bourbon Small Batch Reserve

First things first, I want to explain that I did not drink all of these on the same Friday night. I didn't even sample all of these on the same night.

However, I did make the mistake of trying two of these alcohols on the same night. I will explain.

First beer up to bat:

Long Trail Double Bag "Stickebier" - the label described this as a malty double altbier. The "sticke" part referred to the German name for "secret recipe." So I was totally into this from the get-go. It is a very smooth beer, and it pours fine. Not too dark, but a little darker than the altbiers that the Bluegrass Brewing Company makes back home. I didn't think much of it, but when I started to drink it, I noticed an after-taste that I should have recognized. I didn't at first, though. But after the second beer, I caught myself falling asleep. This is because that taste I recognized was alcohol. And I usually only taste alcohol in a beer if its atypically strong. And this one weighs in at 7.2% abv. By comparison, one of my favorites, Bluegrass Brewing Company's Bourbon Barrel Stout weighs in at 8% abv. Still, this one was not as smooth as I would have liked for it to have been. And it severely tricked me by being as strong as it was. Two in an evening is enough.

So I followed this with the Coney Island Human Blockhead Lager!

This was a mistake. Unfortunately, this is another strong ale, as opposed to the smooth lager I had expected. I need to start reading the labels. Where I was already tired and buzzing (bad combination), this beer weighs in at 10% abv, and I was embarrassed the next morning to find that I had not finished drinking all of it before I passed out, sitting up, snoring with a PS3 controller in my hands.

The beer was way too macho for me, and it wasn't cheap. I think I was initially suckered into buying it because the character on the label reminds me of Patrick Brumley. Upon further inspection, the beer is from the Schmaltz Brewery of NY, brewers of world-famous HeBrew. So this is actually more of a David beer than a Patrick beer. Actually, its more like a hybrid of the two. With that in mind, it makes sense that it wore me down to nothing.

However, the Coney Island line of beers redeemed itself in my eyes with the Coney Island Lager; a strait forward, delicious, complex lager that reminds me of everything a fine lager should taste like. FINALLY! I had not seen a decent regional lager yet, and this fits that role perfectly. If I can find 6-packs of this beer, I think it will be a regular in the apartment. The other two? Not so much.

Finally, the bourbon I found is the A.L. Hirsch Reserve Bourbon. The label claims that it is distilled in Bardstown, but I have never seen this distillery, so I cannot confirm if this is true. The website for this bourbon doesn't give me much faith that it is, in fact, still an independent distillery, and is probably on a contract from Maker's Mark or Jim Beam.

That being said, I can't say enough good things about this bourbon. It is "smooth," "buttery," "complex"...... oh hell. I can't describe this like a true connoisseur would. What I can say is that its delicious, and it doesn't have the sharp kick that a cheap bourbon does. One thing I really like about my Four Roses Small Batch is that I can drink it on the rocks without ever cringing or gagging or even wincing. AND it still tastes good. Four Roses has a bit of that floral aroma that always leaves a taste in my mouth, and that taste is absent here, so I almost think I prefer this. Of course, its too early to tell. The Hirsch Selection and I are still in the "flirting phase." I'm sure we'll continue to do this dance, probably for at least 4 more bottles, until I can make a decision. The fact that I cannot buy Four Roses up here does not help the Four Roses chances. Oh well. Time will tell.

So My Phone Accidentally Called My Mom Last Night

So my phone accidentally called my mom last night.

At first she couldn't hear anything. Her called ID said her son was calling, but for some reason, there was silence coming from the other end.

So naturally, she thought that my apartment was being burgled and I was hiding under a piece of furniture, unable to speak or make any sound, and all I could do was call someone to let them know that I was mute and hiding from villains.

I can only imagine that she recently DVR'd Taken and it resonated with her to some ridiculous level. She listened to what was happening as intently as she could. I guess she thought she might overhear some crucial, important clue to the identity of her son's villains.

Eventually, my dad acts as the usual voice of reason and suggests maybe my phone called her accidentally. This might actually be the case, but mom refuses to "give up" because she would "never be able to forgive herself if [she] hung up on [me] when [I] needed her most" (her actual words when she was explaining this to me).

I love my mom, and I know she is only this extreme because she loves me, too. So God bless her for the lengths she goes to "protect" me and my sisters.

Her next thought is to e-mail me the following messages:

"emergency........check your phone........please"

and then

"your phone"

Today I asked her why she was e-mailing me these curious phrases. What was her point?

Her explanation was that, IF I was on the phone, silent, to let her know that I was under attack, we could still contact via e-mail, in silence, and the attackers would never know any better. However, when I finally got her e-mails, close to midnight, I thought there was an emergency on her end. Oh well. At this point I've come to know better, and when I couldn't get her on the phone last night, I just went to bed.

But she stayed by her computer and her phone, listening and repeatedly checking her e-mail for any information about my safety.

Bless her heart, though, she hears something on my end of the phone say, "Sit down and shut up!" And this causes her to freak out. I imagine her thought process went something like this:

"Oh my God. They found him! I shouldn't have e-mailed him! They must have heard the chime or some tone on his phone!"

In reality, I was sitting on my couch watching the original Dawn of the Dead, unaware that my phone was on my person, let alone calling my worried mother.

My dad was trying to calm her down, but I assume she was running in circles, listening as closely as possible, panicking herself into a dizzy until......my phone turned itself off. I still don't know why my phone was turned off before I went to bed. But my mother explained, "it sounded like someone violently and forcefully hung up on me!"

I worry about my mother sometimes. Other times I just shake my head and remember that my imagination is a product of her hyperactive imagination. Then I don't worry so much. Part of me feels guilty for being the reason she probably didn't get much sleep last night. But the other part of me just chuckles.

Patty B Knows Me Better Than Any Man Should

I lived with one Mr. Patty B for many years during college. It is safe to say you know someone too well when there are key words or phrases that will instigate an immediate, impromptu karaoke session.

For example, this morning I told him that I would continue making him drunk from a distance if he didn't come up to New Jersey soon.

Without any further prompting, he and I both did a quick youtube search for Bette Midler's "From a Distance." And I'm sure the song is still stuck in his head, the same way its still stuck in mine.

Blessing? Curse? I'll let you decide. The fact that we can anticipate each other's moves so precisely is both horrifying and comforting.

For Mike

This is for my dear friend, Mike, for whom I feel sorry for whenever OSU and Michigan get brought up in the same sentence. My apologies, Michael.

NOTE: After their meeting in the Big Ten tournament, OSU is now 11-2. Thank you, Evan Turner.

Weird and Interesting Food Post

To get grossed out quickly, just skip to the very end.

___________________________________________

So, one of my missions while I'm in New Jersey is to try the new foodstuffs.

Honestly, I haven't been doing a good job of going out and finding new things...not yet. But I'll get there.

Here are some interesting foods that I've had so far. One from New York. Two from North Carolina.

This first picture is from East Japanese restaurant housed in the Palisades Shopping Center in

West Nyack, NY. The menu itself wan't anything terribly interesting. What WAS of great interest was the fact that food travels around the restaurant on plates like an assembly line. Visitors of this fine sushi bar sit in booths around the central kitchen where 2-3 chefs dice and wrap fresh sushi rolls, place them on a color-coded plate, put a freshness lid on each plate, and then shoot them on their way around the sushi track. The sushi was surprisingly good for a mall restaurant. We ate afternoon, and typically sushi rolls get stale and dry. Everything on the rack was made fresh, and it didn't look like anything had a shelf life of over 40 minutes.

This is the kind of food service I want in my house some day. From the kitchen I have someone putting together snacks that constantly revolve on a track around my fat, couch-bound ass. Beer? Which flavor? OK...should be coming around on this next lap. Ice cold beer. Sushi. I drool like Homer Simpson at the thought of it.

Let's be serious, though. Any food that comes to you on a motorized track is awesome, right? The fact that it was delicious, fresh sushi just made it that much better.

Sadly, that's it for the New York / New Jersey cool foods. I'll be out and about this week trying to find more interesting foods, though. The next interesting foods are from North Carolina, where I was vacationing with my family over Easter.

On the first day I got to NC, my dad and I went to the Asheville Brewing Company, a place with fresh beer and a very eclectic menu for pub food. Asheville couldn't pay itself a better compliment than by saying it is "eclectic." So its not surprise that any food or beer there is just a little different. And that's why I wasn't terribly surprised to find an interesting slice of pizza for lunch at the ABC.

This is a slice of the Thai Fighter Pizza. (Get it? Thai Fighter? Like TIE fighter? From Star Wars? No?) If this slice of a pizza was a person, it would be the Asian foreign exchange student that stuck around for college and forever teetered on whether or not he was going to be a burnout or a success. In the case of this pizza, its a success.

Its a really different kind of pizza though, than I have ever had before. The base is a barbecue soy sauce base. I have never even heard of people integrating bbq sauce and soy sauce before, let alone as a pizza sauce, but it really worked for this slice. Now, I don't think I'd want bbq-soy on a pepperoni slice, but the sauce and the toppings here really compliment each other.

Instead of what you would find on a typical slice here in NJ, this was spinach, broccoli, and peanuts. And the peanuts were cooked so they were crunchy or even noticeably salty. Just really well done. The crust, too, was different in that it is a sesame crust, very thin, and not particularly grainy or nutty like most whole-grain or nut-based pizza crusts I've had. Almost like a thin, pretzel crust.

Well done, ABC. I doubt that the two delicious Asheville Brewing Company drafts I had influenced my taste at all. On the same hand, when you're having two craft beers with ANY slice, its hard to screw up.

If you're ever in Asheville, head to the ABC and get a slice along with the Houdini ESB. Probably one of the best beers I've had in a while.

[TANGENT]I do NOT recommend the Green Man Brewery & Tasting Room (a.k.a. "Jack of the Wood"). Not because their beer is good or bad. Its just a pretentious atmosphere ("we're better hippies than you...nyah"), and once the bartender snatched a beer out of my hands just as I was going to take a drink of it. Bad form, sir. He said he hadn't carded me yet, so he couldn't let me drink it, even though I'd already paid for it. The Dude does not abide, man. [/tangent]

The day after Easter my sister, mother, and I were putzing around Asheville when they told me they had never had sushi before. So I was convinced to teach them to appreciate this, one of my favorite meals. I can understand people that are intimidated by the sight of sushi and even the idea of eating raw meat. Its is difficult to get them over that hump. So I thought I would order a vegetarian roll along with an eel roll (my first favorite roll).

While I was ordering, I saw that there was a special for quail eggs. When I went on the amazing food adventure quest with Dr. Pat, Duncan, and David our second stop was at a sushi bar to get quail egg shooters, and I've been in love with them ever since.

Its just a little shot with some soy sauce, two quail eggs, a little hot sauce, and some other simple seasonings.

Well, the quail egg offering that I saw on the menu had some other ingredients in it that I didn't recognize from the typical shot. "What the hell," I thought, "these people don't have a great grasp on English....it's probably the same thing." And that just goes to show that I should never assume, especially when dabbling with new foods.

Here is a list of things I saw on the menu that didn't understand, but learned shortly after it was presented to me:

• uni - sea urchin - has the shape and size of a human tongue.
• masago - specialty caviar
• ginjo-shu - sake - hot and very dry and bare-tasting

So, while I was expecting something small and simple and something I could order multiples of, what I got instead was a Frankenstein sushi cocktail. Take a look:

This sushi cocktail was served in a proper glass with about a half pint of hot sake in it, two bulbous, fleshy pieces of uni (sea urchin), two quail eggs, caviar (still haven't learned to love this yet), and adorned with a delicate flower drizzled with more caviar.

It is really easy to look cool when you're shooting anything. Guns, liquor, quail egg shooters, etc. It is NOT easy to look cool when you're trying to convince your family that the sea urchin you're choking down really isn't as terrible as it looks. And doubly not as easy while the polite Asians watch to see if you're a crazy round-eye or someone that truly enjoys Japanese delicacies.

Essentially, it was a very fine sushi cocktail. It was kind of bland. The uni was neat to try, but I don't think I'll be ordering it any time soon. It was actually very delicate, but kind of tasteless. I don't know if they just got some bad sea urchin, or if it wasn't prepared correctly, or if it really is a tasteless meat. It didn't help that I had told my family I would not be drinking that Monday. And then I had more hot sake than I'd ever had in sitting. The quail eggs, my favorite part of the cocktail, were just overwhelmed by all of the other ingredients in the cocktail. Oh well, I'm no worse for wear.

So that's that. Sushi, Thai pizza, and more sushi. I also had some amazing Cuban food in Hoboken, but I didn't take any pictures of it. Maybe if I go back....

BONUS: While I was in Asheville, I found a 6-pack of beer brewed by the Highland Brewing Company exclusively for the Grove Park Inn.

What it was doing on sale at an Ingles is beyond me, but here's a pic of the 6-pack. It was an Abbey Style Brown Ale, the Great Gatsby Abbey Ale. Now, its a given that I'm going to buy any beer that has any reference, no matter how loose, to Louisville (where F. Scott Fitzgerald was inspired to place his character's Tom and Daisy Buchanan's wedding).

The beer was crisp and refreshing, like any good brown ale. What differentiated it from the other brown ales out there was the "bubbly" aftertaste that we experience most frequently in Belgian ales. I suppose that's why they were calling it Abbey Style. Something new to add to the Highland Brewing Company's repertoire. It's good to see they're doing well enough to contract the Grove Park Inn title -AND- to be brewing outside of their regular zone of comfort.

NOTE: I just looked up uni. Apparently its not only sea urchin, but more specifically SEA URCHIN GONADS. So yeah....my stomach just turned. Also read that I ate it out of season. So not only did I eat urchin nads, but rotten urchin nads.

Tito - Not The Pizza

So Friday night I went out with Gia (Jersey Girl from Spain) and her friends around Hoboken (which is actually a very nice city opposite the Hudson River from NYC). We had sushi, grabbed some alcohol, went back to her friends place and pre-partied before going to a sports bar.

In my infinite wisdom, I got a big bottle of Maker's Mark and decided to show these people how to drink bourbon. And I drank too much of it.

But, before I crossed that line...before I went "full retard"....I got a text message.

__________________________________________

+18622416345

Apr 9, 2010 10:21:11 PM

tito

__________________________________________

I didn't recognize the number in my phone, and usually that is because someone is texting me via my Google Voice number. And because Google Voice in turn gives people weird numbers with weird area codes, I figured this was either Pat or Dave texting me via their Google Voice account. And I thought they were taunting me with stories about my favorite pizza from Louisville.

So, I get a text that says, "Tito." And thinking it was a friend, I texted back.

"Damn it! That sounds awesome!"

Then I got this response:

__________________________________________

+18622416345

Apr 9, 2010 10:22:51 PM

n*****. what u talkin about?

__________________________________________

It should have started to dawn on me that this was not David at this point, and probably not Pat. Still, I was working my way toward a drunk on, and I thought I was playing around with a friend.

SIDEBAR: for some reason, when I don't answer my phone now, my best friends leave me the most disparaging voice mails.

Just totally soul-crushing voice mails that question my sexuality, my relationships, my legal status as a US citizen, etc.

So, keeping in mind that my friends are getting pretty ruthless on voicemails, again, I thought it was Pat or Dave giving me a hard time. So I say:

"Jersey has much better food than a Tito. The Tito was probably ripped off from someone here in NJ."

Just taunting. Nothing too derogatory.

__________________________________________

+18622416345

Apr 9, 2010 10:28:46 PM

n**** wtf u make no sense

__________________________________________

And, seriously, I'm not unused to be people telling me I make no sense. This happens on just about a daily basis.

"YOU make no sense!"

__________________________________________

+18622416345

Apr 9, 2010 10:28:46 PM

n**** this aint tito who is this

__________________________________________

And then I figured it out.

"You have the wrong number. Stop texting me."

__________________________________________

+18622416345

Apr 9, 2010 10:9:45 PM

iight

__________________________________________

So there it is. For ten minutes I was flirting with disaster and I didn't even know it. In hindsight it sounds like the skit before the Master P hit "Make 'Em Say Uhhh... (Na Na Na Na)." I have no idea who I was talking to, male or female, but I can confirm that it was not a discussion about pizza.

Its also funny to me that I thought this was Dave or Pat using the "n" word. It's not one I use lightly, even when it ends with "A." When I put this on the blog, I will edit that so I don't look like an ignorant racist. That is how sensitive I am about it. So to think that I was letting it ride because it was either Dave or Pat is kind of silly.

And I haven't settled yet on whether or not I'm ok with having a phone number so close to someone named Tito. I can't figure out if its a good thing or a bad thing. And I don't know if its my NJ phone number or my KY phone number. There's no telling. But somewhere out there, I imagine someone named Tito is getting derogatory text messages from my friends, and he's thinking "who the hell is sending me these weird text messages."

So, the moral of the story is, make sure you have the right number in your phone before you start messing with someone.

Easter Weekend in Maggie Valley

So, here's a list of interesting things I've learned on this vacation with my family:

• My dad had a bit part in a student film at Ohio State where his minor character slammed an entire pint of beer, grabbed a woman's breasts, and was promptly shot to death by the movie's hero. Apparently, it took 4 takes, and each time my dad really slammed an entire beer and really grabbed a woman's breasts. And died 4 times. I don't think he has shared this story with my mom or sisters, so please don't embarrass him with this info in front of them. But he did share that he was wasted by the time the filming of this scene was complete.
• I'm determined to find this movie in OSU's archives. Apparently the director lived in the same apartment complex as my dad. And bless his heart, my dad can't remember his name, but he remembers this guy doing heroin at a party and being a Vietnam veteran. That should be enough to find him by, right?
  
• Nobody in my family believes that John Vann will be proposing to Dawn soon. All the same, I still think he's laying the ground work. Dawn and John will be moving in with each other later this summer. I have been a fan of him since he helped me learn how to play Punch Out on NES.
  
• John Vann is Dawn's boyfriend. I promptly gave him the nickname VaJOHNa (like "vagina") VANNderpants (like "underpants"). Sarah loves this nickname. Dawn says she likes it, too, but I don't fully believe it.
• Sarah will be moving back to Kentucky roughly around the same time Dawn moves in with Vajohna Vannderpants. She will be living with her boyfriend, Rob Hess.
• Rob Hess, Sarah's boyfriend, is related to Adolph Hitler's deputy, Rudolph Hess.
  
• My mom thought it would be fun to hide a golden egg with a "hidden prize" somewhere in the Maggie Valley, North Carolina cabin. She told us this after church this morning. As soon as she said this, I made a deal with my sisters and my dad that we would split the prize amongst each other. As soon as I walked into the cabin, I found the egg, and I split the $20 bill with my family. Dad and Dawn just went down to the valley to meet John Vann. Both Dad and I told Dawn to buy mom two bourbon and cokes (a.k.a. Bourbon and Coke/Barbara Control) with it.
• Every time I come to the cabin, I have serious GI issues. I can never put my finger on what exactly causes these issues, but as soon as I start drinking bourbon, it goes away. (NOTE TO SELF: always have bourbon on hand to fix my guts).

In other news, this has been a great Easter. The weather here is steady at 70 degrees. I got a sunburn from reading Hunter S. Thompson outside. Finished a Mickey Spillane novel earlier in the day, and I have another one to follow after Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is complete. I still have two more days to enjoy my family, and I can truly say that I can't see them enough. I never take them for granted, but I'm beginning to think I'll really miss them when I get home.

My Totem Animal

I had a good spot of news on Tuesday afternoon. I have found my totem animal. Or the newest incarnation of it.

For those of you unfamiliar with totem animals, totemistic religious beliefs are not uncommon throughout the world, typically in tribal societies. I associate totems with Native Americans, but that's only because I have seen the word "totem" usually followed by the word "pole." A totem animal is basically just a creature that an individual or group of people believe has mystical powers of protection.

For the longest time, I thought my totem animal would obviously have to be a gorilla, because, like gorillas, I'm clumsy, enjoy pounding my chest while screaming, and have a gray stripe of back hair.

But as of Tuesday, I'm beginning to think differently. I believe my totem animal is actually a Wild Turkey.

My boss and I were driving around some very old, residential sections of New Jersey, looking at the giant houses built into hills and trying to find a good view of the city. We weren't having much luck because the weather for the past couple of days has been the opposite of friendly to people a) wanting to enjoy a casual drive or b) find a view. The weather's just been crap with the rain and wind.

But as we were driving, looking at multi-million dollar homes, I noticed an animal dodging from behind a parked car and towards the street. So I stopped the car, and my boss and I tried to figure out what this large creature was. From a distance I thought it was a dog or a cat. As we got closer, she thought it might be a peacock ("because I could see the wealthy people around here keeping peacocks in their back yards"). But then I realized that it was a Wild Turkey

Now I realize that a Wild Turkey isn't terribly uncommon in this part of the country. Hell, the in elementary school we learned that they must have been here 300 years ago for the pilgrims to eat. So its not too much of a stretch to believe that a bird from Massachusetts could also be in New Jersey. It was just weird seeing it cross the street in a residential area.

But then I got to thinking, "this must be a sign." When I used to take walks or drive back roads in Kentucky, every once in a while I would run into a turkey here or there. When I am on the mountain in North Carolina, there's a rafter of turkeys ("rafter" is the correct term for a group of turkeys according to GoogleAnswers) usually milling around above the horse barns.

AND, maybe most importantly, Wild Turkey is one of my favorite inexpensive bourbons. ....AND... I had just finished a bottle of Wild Turkey 101 on Monday night! So, obviously, the Wild Turkey spirit has decided to watch over me now as I adventure throughout New Jersey.

It's pretty comforting, especially considering...well, I would probably still run if this totem spirit came chasing after me, but not as fast and not as fearful as if the gorilla totem spirit was chasing me. I would probably shit a brick if I saw a wild gorilla in New Jersey.