College Football Look Ahead: Week 2 - Notre Dame at Michigan

Notre Dame plays at Michigan on Saturday. Analysts suggest this is a game that will be won or lost based on which team has the fewest errors. Notre Dame's offense was explosive in week 1. Unfortunately, when it really counted, the grenade exploded in Notre Dame's hands before they had actually tossed it, and this usually resulted in turning the ball over to USF. Michigan's defense, conversely, showed up in the second half against Western Michigan in week 1 while the much-touted offense shuddered and rode the shoulders of Denard Robinson. But if Michigan relies too much on Shoelaces, he will wear out quickly and prove ineffective.

This kind of game can be fondly referred to as a battle between to handicapped opponents. Or, as Trey Parker and Matt Stone prefer: A cripplefight.

College Football Round-Up: Week 1

And we're not even done with week one yet.

The big news?

#18 Ohio State (42) - Akron (0): Ohio State rolled despite having 8 players suspended. Luke Fickell did a fine job in his head coaching debut. Ohio State's defense shut out Akron. Braxton Miller and Bauserman both looked like solid quarterbacks. Their substitute running backs didn't have to work as hard because of this solid passing game. Carlos Hyde still performed well on the ground. This is still going to be a good team. I don't understand why the most recent three players were suspended ("accepting less than $300 at a charity event"), and I hope to see them back sooner than later.

Also awesome about this game? Urban Meyer called it. He oozed charisma and pro-OSU sensibilities. I want him to coach the Buckeyes. He is openly flirting with the Ohio State fans. Please let this happen.

Louisville (21) - Murray State (9): Louisville cruised over Murray State. But they didn't cruise with any swagger. They cruised in my old 1986 Toyota Carolla complete with its crappy stereo system, sagging interior trim, and rusting undercarriage. The team looked green. Really green. Still...this could be an 8-win team or a 4-win team. There's no telling yet, and playing in the Big East doesn't make this prediction any easier. So UofL looked poor, but it could have been worse. It could have looked like this....

Kentucky (14) - Western Kentucky (3): Kentucky looked bad. Really bad. I thought Louisville looked green, but UK really surprised me by how....it's hard to say without coming off as insulting....this team looked worse than Louisville. Granted, neither team has high expectations. And neither team was really tested (pick who's better - Murrary State or Western Kentucky). Louisville's offense at least has spurts of competence in the first half. I didn't watch all of the UK game, but I didn't hear much about UK having even brief glimpses of what their offense has looked like for the past 3 years. I think this is going to be a long year for both teams. I think UofL could go bowling. I don't think UK will, and that's only because of their conference schedules. I also feel better about UofL's chances of winning the Governor's Cup. That won't be anything to hang my hat on, but it's there.

Western Kentucky had this to say about their Kentucky opponents:

#11 Wisconsin (51) - UNLV (17): This was a really fun game to watch for one reason - Wisconsin's scary effective new offensive look. Russel Wilson adds a new dimension to Wisconsin, and that dimension is the dark, nebulous dimension that eats my favorite teams. I've come to expect Wisconsin to run, run, run, and then run some more. Now they're also throwing accurate long balls. This does not bode well for the rest of the B1G. I have some reservations of my own about how Wilson came to Wisconsin for one season and was named a Senior Co-Captain. I would be kind of pissed if I'd played with the Badgers for 3-4 years, put in my time, and then this new guy got the co-captain nod. That being said, it looks like he is going to earn it.

The bad news for Wisconsin? UNLV managed to poke some serious holes in their defense, and that is weird. Still, I see Wisconsin in the B1G championship game if they can right these wrongs.

Baylor (50) - #14 TCU (48): Baylor's Robert Griffin III (who is now obnoxiously known as RG3) ran amok on what was supposed to be a solid TCU defense. Unless TCU runs the table (which includes a game at Boise State) they have no chance of going to a significant bowl game. This sucks, because they were supposed to come into the Big East with a wealth of success. Ah well. Gary Patterson really needs to buy shirts that fit and don't make him look like a giant infant. ESPN loved showing a picture of him squatting and holding his game plan in his mouth for some reason. Baylor will surprise people in the (former) Big-XII minus 2. I texted Mike and predicted that RG3 will now be in every commentator's Heisman Hopeful talk. Bleh. Someone is going to "fucking kill someone."

HINT: It's this TCU fan.

Northwestern (24) - Boston College (17): This is a solid B1G win, and I'm impressed that Northwestern won despite not having Dan Persa. This is a good sign. Lee Corso and the College Gameday crew made the comment that Persa was the B1G Ten's best QB last year. This pissed me off because they're forgetting all about Denard Robinson and Terrelle Pryor. And Kirk Cousins for that matter. And some announcers suggested that Northwestern might surprise people and make it to the B1G Ten championship game. Not to ruin anyone's surprise, but they will not.

#23 Auburn (42) - Utah State (38): As crazy as this game was, it won't be the craziest game we see this season. Auburn was down 10 with 2 minutes left to play in the game. Utah State choked and handed the game over in the last minute. It was craziness. I did not think that Auburn would pull it out after being outmatched the entire game. Auburn fans were filing out of the stadium prematurely. I wouldn't be happy even WITH the win if I were them.Mike was quick to point out that this guy was playing for USU, all but guaranteeing that Sylvester Stallone (played in this case by Gene Chizik) would make a surprise comeback, probably jumping through a window or crashing through a wall in a car, to kill Wesley Snipes (played here by weird USU running back). If you watch this game and sync it with any mid-80's/early-90's action movie, you knew Auburn would win.

Michigan (34) - Western Michigan (10): Michigan kind of won this game in Brady Hoke's debut as head coach for the Wolverines. I italicize "kind of" because this game was not played in its entirety. After experiencing several rain delays, and because Brady Hoke's shirt was soaked to the point of nipple visibility, the game was conceded and Michigan "won."

Michigan's defense looked wobbly early but really came through after the first rain delay. They actually scored 14 of the team's 34 points. That's a huge improvement over last year's defense (led by Greg Robinson for reasons nobody that has ever watched Greg Robinson can understand). Mike is excited about this team. I'm really looking forward to next week's game against Notre Dame. Speaking of....

USF (23) - #16 Notre Dame (20): Despite almost three hours of rain delays here, this was my favorite game of the day/night. It started on NBC. USF went up 16-0. Then this happened.

And then God said:

Every time Notre Dame came out of a rain delay, they looked fired up, revamped, jazzed, and ready to right the ship. So God sent more and more rain. But even God couldn't overcome Skip Holz and his powerful Big East football. Notre Dame lost a stunner. Everyone I was texting with celebrated. I had never seen Bryan Kelly go Super Sayan before. It was a fun game.

#5 Boise State (35) - #19 Georgia (21): This game was irrelevant to me. It was a forgone conclusion. Georgia, perennially overrated and prone to sulking away after losses in big games, would be the over-matched team from an AQ conference that would lose to an overrated Boise State, solidifying the argument that WHEN Boise State goes undefeated through the MWC they should be entitled to play in the MNC game. Boise State has done it to Oregon and Virginia Tech in the past. Now it was Georgia, an even wetter paper bag that Boise State punched through.

Georgia will not be playing in any SEC championship game or any BCS bowl. They will not finish the season ranked. There will be concern in December surrounding whether or not Mark Richt will continue to coach there. It was a silly, overhyped game, and everyone knew it. Both teams tried to distract from this by wearing the silliest uniforms seen on TV in a long time (and that's saying something).

I read somewhere that if Boise State played in a BCS conference that they would be Iowa or Missouri, and I completely agree with this. Sometimes they have great seasons and deserve good bowl games. But to start the season at 5 and then earn nothing by beating up on MWC teams...doesn't say a whole lot. Right now Boise State fans are crossing their fingers and praying that TCU and Georgia go on to have GREAT seasons. Right now I don't think they will. And I think this will continue to be the albatross around Boise State's neck that I cannot look past. I *did* enjoy that the whiter-than-white Boise State QB had on a white-on-white uniform. Made me smile a little.

#4 LSU (40) - #3 Oregon (27): My favorite troll headline from this game? "Oregon has lost two games in the past two seasons - both to SEC teams." Trolling doesn't get better than this, and I'm just glad to hear it said about a team other than Ohio State. And what a great, fast-paced game it was! I knew it was going to be a scorcher when Les Miles ran out of the tunnel with his team, got lost, and ran in a different direction. Fittingly, he threw a lot of different offensive schemes at Chip Kelly's Oregon Ducks last night. It was an entertaining game to watch, and I really hope for good things for the Tigers this season. It will be interesting to see how they do against their SEC West cohorts.

Still, they looked sharp. Oregon didn't look bad. Not really. They just looked thin compared to LSU. It didn't help that their two best running backs both left the game at various points leaving a freshman RB to do his best against the stout LSU defense. To be fair, it would have been a much closer game if LSU hadn't choked 14 out of that freshman RB.

Games of note that I didn't follow:

• #25 USC (19) beats Minnesota (17): for no good reason, USC is again starting the season ranked in the top 25. An improved Minnesota team almost beat them. Lane Kiffin had nothing good to say about his team's second half performance. This is not a team that deserves a ranking this high. They will not finish in the top 5 of the Pac 12. That's my prediction.
• Penn State (41) beats Indiana State (7): Reports indicate that their offense is clicking where last year it tried to click but accidentally tripped on its own sock, fell, and cracked its head open on the bench. I don't have high expectations for this team, but I do think they will perform better than last year.
• #2 Alabama (48) beats Kent State (7): this surprised nobody. Alabama, like LSU, has an elite team, but I anticipate they will stutter once or twice in SEC West play.
• Purdue (27) beats Middle Tennessee (24): Purdue almost coughed up on itself and barely squeaked past MTSU. This does not bode well for what is supposed to be the second best team in Indiana. I'm actually looking forward to see how they'll perform against a rebuilding and improved IU team at the end of the season.
• #6 Florida State (34) beats Louisiana-Monroe (0): FSU could be the real deal. They'll be playing against a diminished Miami team this year, and their real tests will be their non-conference opponents, Oklahoma and Florida. I think those games could go either way. If they can come out with W's on those games, this will be a team that goes to a BCS bowl.
• #22 Florida (41) beats Florida Atlantic (3): Will Muschamp's debut went very well. Team Weis' offense performed with terrifying efficiency. Florida plays Alabama, @LSU, @Georgia, @USCe, and at home against FSU. If they can split those games, I believe they will win the SEC East and secure a spot in a decent bowl game. This was a cupcake game, though, and there's no telling how they will perform in two weeks against UT. Coach Deathstare is going to deal with his fair share of tough games, but I think he has the talent to excel. Should be an interesting team to watch this season.
• Houston (38) beats UCLA (35): And that's a wrap on Rick Neuheisel's coaching career at UCLA. Or it should be anyhow. Yes, UCLA was the underdog going into this game, but f'n hell, how many chances is Ricky supposed to get at that school? And why do they keep recruiting Mr. Glass from Unbreakable as their QB?
• BYU (14) beats Ole Miss (13): What a crap show. Both teams seem inept. BYU less so, I suppose. Ole Miss led 13-0 at the beginning of the fourth quarter (two field goals with a special teams score on a BYU fumbled kick return). BYU garnered 7 points as Ole Miss' defense sputtered out midway through the fourth. Then, with 5 minutes left in the game, Ole Miss' QB Stoudt fumbled the ball away, and BYU scored. Neither team seems super impressive. This is important to note, though, because this was BYU's first game as an independent this season.
• Syracuse (36) beats Wake Forest (29) in OT: I wish I had watched more of this. Syracuse under Doug Marrone has already improved dramatically after suffering through GregRobinsonfluenza. I don't think anyone in the Big East looks to Syracuse as an automatic win anymore. I also think Syracuse will give USC a fit.
• Less important: Cincinnati smoked Austin Peay with a sharp offense. Duke lost to Richmond. Pittsburgh struggled against Buffalo but won. Clemson struggled against Troy but put them away in the second half. Oregon State lost to an FCS team. UNC beat JMU in their coach's first game with the team. Miami (OH) played tough but lost to an overrated Missouri (#21) team.

Having college football back is glorious. Without having a drop of alcohol last night, I still *felt* it. It's weird. I was drunk with excitement and sheer joy.

August 2011 - Rejuvenating Music Videos

Ever since MTV piddled away that medium for which it was named (music videos), I've lamented on the general lack of access to the format. In college, when MTV was seizuring through all of their failed experimental shows that were not music videos, I took the liberty of using torrent sites to download any new music video I could get my hands on. Then, with a computer full of videos, I would load them into Windows Media Player, turn on shuffle, and sit back to enjoy the ride.

With YouTube and Vimeo, I don't have to do this at all. I still download the occasional music video to watch while I'm getting ready for work, but anymore I have come to rely on the internet. RIP MTV.

As fun and exciting as these music videos are, and despite how much I enjoy the music (video or no), I don't expect any of these songs will make it to any top 40 chart in the near future. My intention is not to say that IF MTV played videos that these would do well. What I AM saying is that these are the kind of videos that I used to stay up late to see played on MTV2 when none of the programmers thought they could make money by showing more MTV "Documentaries" (Pimp My Ride, Cribs, Teenage Mom, etc.) or Cockhouse shows (Jackass, Wonderboys, Viva la Bam, etc.).

Alex Winston - "Sister Wife" from stereogum on Vimeo.

ANR - "Big Problem" from stereogum on Vimeo.

Toro Y Moi - "How I Know" from Jonathan Montepare on Vimeo.

Get Real, Get Right from Asthmatic Kitty on Vimeo.

IS TROPICAL - THE GREEKS (official music video) from EL NINO on Vimeo.

More Brady Hoke Cartoons

Man vs. Wood

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By pablofluffchunk at 2011-07-26

Making Fun of Michigan's Head Football Coach

It is well known among my circle of friends that I am an Ohio State fan. It is my legacy, passed down from my grandfather to my father and now to me (and now I find myself trying to pass it on to my girlfriend). There is a lot of fun to be had at the Ohio State football program's expense right now, and one of my best friends, Mike, loves to talk crap at me about it.

To raise his ire, and to try to cap some of the inexhaustible, unxplainable enthusiasm he has for his team's new football coach, Brady Hoke, I made fun of Coach Hoke for what I am sure will not be the last time. The point of these cartoons was to poke fun of the fact that when I do a Google image search for Brady Hoke, a good portion of the pictures that come up make Brady Hoke look like he is trying to inhale whichever opponent his team is playing. He purses his lips, expands his diaphragm, and sucks. And boy does he suck hard. So, enjoy the following pictures. I'm sure there will be more to come.

To all of those not interested in the sports drivel Mike and I will be slinging back and forth until November, I apologize. I try to wrangle him back in to the guy's-only e-mail so we don't embarrass ourselves in front of the ladies. I have just one last thing to say about Mike's poo-poo on the group e-mail....

I would feel more intimidated by Michigan's trending if their coach, Brady Hoke, had fewer pictures of himself on Google Image Search that looked like he was an evil version on Nintendo's Kirby. Seriously, there are too many pictures that look like he is furiously trying to inhale whatever opponent he is playing against.

I will leave it at that. That, and these pictures.

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And for no other good reason, here's a goat licking an electric fence.

Fun Random Sprinkle Stuff

Some movie reviews:

Rio - meh.

Rango - HUZZAH!

Source Code - Whoah! (the ending made me excited for Matt Wade when he sees it)

Sucker Punch - boo hiss boo

Troll Hunter - HOLYCRAPTHATWASAWESOMELETSWATCHITAGAIN

To make them easier to understand, I'll put them on an ascending scale from Sucker Punch to Troll Hunter:

Sucker Punch

Rio

Source Code

Rango

Troll Hunter

More context?

Sucker Punch - As much as I like Zach Snyder's body of work, this entire movie was a mess. It looked really cool, and it has a Jon Hamm cameo. And lots and lots of cleavage. The story, though, did not hold my attention for long at all. Glad I didn't opt to buy this on Blu-Ray on the strength of the movie's ad campaign.

Rio - good looking Dreamworks animated movie (from the creators of Ice Age!). However, like Ice Age, the movie isn't as engaging as the movies being made over at Pixar, and this doesn't stand up well against unfair competition like the Toy Story's or Rangos of the world.

Source Code - kickass sci-fi from the director of Moon (David Bowie's son!). A lot of comparisons to Groundhog Day, but that doesn't do the mystery aspect of the movie justice. I like Jake Gyllenhaal, and I thought the story was good enough to have been written by Phillip K Dick it was that good.

Rango - holy crap. This was not just a kid's movie. Awesome visual effects, fun story, quirky characters, and more than one Hunter S Thompson reference. Can't beat that. I'm buying this one on Blu-ray for sure. A good one to have in my collection, one I look forward to sharing with people (and potentially my children some day). I actually think my dad would be able to sit down and get a kick out of this one. Pretty sure it's going to be his Christmas blu-ray.

Troll Hunter - Another one to buy on blu-ray. Fun story. Fun effects. I could have watched another 4 hours of this movie. The only thing I didn't like about this movie was that it only lasted 1.5 hours. That and the abrupt ending. But then, I don't know how it could have ended any other way. The fact that Chris Columbus' production company bought the rights to remake this, I imagine we'll see an American version, but I can't imagine it will hold a candle to this original scary/funny mockumentary.

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http://www.avclub.com/articles/for-no-real-reason-heres-a-photo-of-the-rock-ridin,58117/

For no good reason, here's a picture of The Rock on Splash Mountain. It makes me chuckle every time I look at it.

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http://animalsbeingdicks.com

Animals Being Dicks is going to be one of those websites I add to my favorites and try to make a habit of checking regularly. Examine some of these fine gifs

Seeing animals act like humans gets old after so many linked YouTube videos.

However, seeing animals act like assholes just does not get old to me.

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Speaking of asshole animals, check out this YouTube video of the nasty-ass Wisconsin mascot:

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Finally, for the day, check out this other website I found: CookToBang.com

Pretty neat website with recipes for top notch dinners that dudes can put together to impress hotties. I like.

http://cooktobang.com/

Intimidating License Plate

I thought you all would get a kick out of this, too. There was a car driving like a real jerk earlier in the week. Naturally, I thought it would be wise to chase it and tailgate it when the opportunity presented itself. I backed off, though, when I read the intimidating license plate: NCKB8KR! That's right! If you mess with the driver of that car, he will totally bake your neck.

"That's right, son! We're from Long Island! And if my boy don't like you, he will wait until you're sleeping, then he'll creep up real slow, and start marinating your shoulders and back with a buttery, salty concoction! Then he'll apply some MONSTAH low heat! And he will BAKE THAT SH!T, SON! He will strait delicately ABUSE YOU with low, gentle heat until your neck is TENDAH AS HELL!"

Another Amazing Time-Lapse Video of New York City

Mindrelic - Manhattan in motion from Mindrelic on Vimeo.

The Revenge of Bear Mountain

Over Memorial Day weekend, I had nothing planned other than to do something. I wasn't working (which was a nice change of pace), but I wanted to do more than sit around the apartment. The activity I settled on was hiking Bear Mountain again. I had hiked it once last fall, and then again in the spring with Duncan. It makes for one of the prettiest views I've ever seen, and I wanted to check it out when all the trees were green, since I hadn't given myself that opportunity yet. But things were a little different this time.

The park was charging $8 to park in their lot. For some reason, I thought this was an unspeakable offense. Charge money to park at a public park? OUTRAGEOUS! So I took the most logical course of action I could imagine: find the parking lot at the top of the mountain, park for free, hike down, and then hike back up.

Hiking up a mountain and then trotting back down the mountain is much easier than hiking down a mountain and then trying to crawl back up. There's probably a life lesson in there. Something very deep. Profound. Probably.

It should be said that I've never hiked this mountain when it's 80+ degrees outside, too. In the past it's always been a bit chilly. And open. I have never seen so many people at this park before.

Walking down the mountain was pretty uneventful. The one good thing I noticed was that many female hikers don't wear bras. So I witnessed a lot of bouncing boob action. Thinking back now, I wonder if I would have witnessed this if I hadn't given half of my water to some thirsty hikers that had ran out. My water-karma *probably* is the cause for the mountain jugs. ((Note to self: I should hand out water more often.))

On the way back up the mountain, though, I ran into some problems. Right from the get-go, I hiked past a family with little children that were very slow. So I passed them. I didn't just pass them. I was taking steps two at a time, ROCKETING up a mountain past these people. Then I found myself behind another family, also with children, but this time the children were boys with walking sticks. Not noticing me behind them, the boys were flinging sticks and waving them like baseball bats or magic wands (take your pick). Both boys almost swung their baseball bats/wands in my face before I decided to run past them, too.

In hindsight, passing hikers on a mountain is very different from passing people on the interstate. On the interstate, there aren't really any immediate repercussions for hitting the gas pedal and zooming beyond the slow assholes that are driving in the left-hand lane. On a mountain, however, and without the benefit of a motor, zooming beyond slow assholes does have its consequences.

The Asian family and I kept taking turns on our way up the mountain. I hiked past the Asians early in the trip. Then, about a quarter of the way up I thought that my brain was about to shit dynamite and I couldn't catch my breath, so I stopped to take a breather. The Asians passed me. I regained my composure, hiked some more, and hiked past the breaking Asians. Then I realized I'd been gritting my teeth and my eyes wouldn't stop twitching. In fact, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. At this point I think my brain merely sharted dynamite. Nothing too serious. My feet felt like gallon buckets filled with concrete. So I took another breather. Then the Asians passed me again.

During the course of these "blood pressure relief breaks" I contemplated the mistakes and hardships I have committed against my body. The booze. The cigarettes. The days I have moved less than 20 yards from morning to night. The fried breakfast I had (bacon, eggs, and tomato). The lack of exercise. The scars from wrestling, falling, and making trees. The disregard I give to stretching.

The Asians and I played this back-and-forth game of resting (they rested just as often as I did....sneaky Asians) and then hiking ahead of each other, but you'll be proud to know that I beat them to the top of the mountain. Through the struggles I had two thoughts that kept me motivated. First, I kept thinking that somewhere on my way home there would be a store that had a cooler, and in that cooler was a 30 pack of Miller High Life, and nothing was going to come between me and the Miller High Life. The second thought was more of a realization, really. I realized that whenever I stopped there was a swarm of hungry, biting gnats that would attack me until I hiked away again. So between beer and my instinct to not get bitten by bugs, I trudged up to my car and drove off.

I feel like a million bucks now. I'm also a little light-headed. I suppose it could be the beer. It could also be the little red bumps of poison the gnats left in my arms and legs. But I'm not one to split hairs. I descended and ascended the mountain, and that was one of my two goals for the weekend. That and install my air conditioners. Both are complete now. Now I can drink beer, smoke cigarettes, eat like a pig, and not move, or exert any effort for another 36 hours.

The Bacon Guy

Last year I cooked up several bottles of bacon-infused liquor. Thinking I was being generous when I shared said liquor with co-workers, friends, and family, I was actually creating an accidental reputation for myself. Now I'm the "Bacon Guy." Why I can't be the "Handsome Guy" or "Strong Guy" or even the "Funny Guy" is beyond me. "The Guy With The Impressive Movie Trivia Knowledge" would have sufficed. I worked so hard to be that man! But no...Bacon Guy.

So here are a few of the videos that I have been sent recently.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Thought for Food - Chocolate Air, Denny's & Bacon Cologne
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

A breakfast of bacon and blue cheese dressing....?

http://www.speakeasy.org/~sjmaks/cereal/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/10/things-made-of-bacon-that_n_255601.html#s29660&title=Bacon_Bra

Spider Season in New Jersey

It is apparently spider season in New Jersey.

When I'm walking to my car, or going to make coffee, or checking my mail I can look forward to walking through a spider web. And its not as if I'm going a different way to my car. I'm not taking a path to my mailbox that hasn't been taken since the Mayans were building these apartment complexes. I'm not turning over any bones or kicking rats out of my way to the coffee pot. It's just that there are spider webs EVERYWHERE!

It reminds me of a couple years ago when I was living with Mike and Taylor in Leeann's house. I remember walking to the car one morning and feeling a web brush my face. I wiped it off like it was nothing and got in the car. I remember driving and feeling like my shirt tag was rubbing against my neck weird, and I kept trying to readjust my neck so it wasn't rubbing and itching so awkwardly.

I got to work, started up my computer, checked my office mailbox, and then went to get my coffee from the kitchen. I'll never forget feeling something tickle my ear. I reached up to rub my ear to see if there was a piece of fuzz or something in my hair, and a black woolly spider the size of a thumbnail fell on the floor. I was scared and pissed and embarrassed, so without thinking I did a ninja-Hulk stomp squishing it and splattering it more than I expected. I'm pretty sure I screamed a ninja "HEE-YAH!" too. I haven't found a spider on my person since. Coincidence? I think I scared those little f$%kers, and the news has spread around the spider community not to mess with me.

Things Macho Men Should Know About

1. Some night when the mood strikes me to revert to my inner silver-back gorilla and declare my dominance over all other males in my territory, I will make this. Chances are it will happen during college football season.

2. Some crazy asshole connoisseur had the bright idea to create a bourbon butter cocktail. Said crazy asshole was not me. I wish I could take credit, though.

   Basil Hayden's Bourbon Holiday Cocktails Created by wd`50 Restaurant, New York

   http://www.bourbonblog.com/blog/2010/11/24/basil-haydens-bourbon-holiday-cocktails-wd-50-restaurant-new-york/

   
   



3. Barrel-Aged Cocktails: These Are A Thing Now

   http://sanfrancisco.grubstreet.com/2010/10/the_next_trend_in_cocktail_gee.html Once upon a time there were that were drunk. These drunk people had some idea about how aging liquor in barrels made the liquor taste better. "Hey," said Drunk Number One, "I have some liquor that would taste better if we aged it!" "Oh yeah," asked Drunk Number Two, "what liquor do you have?" Drunk Number One responded, "My gin cocktail!" And so people began aging cocktails in barrels and declaring that it was good.

Dance Yrself Clean - LCD Soundsystem - Muppets rock out in Brighton !

Jamie Dixon LOVES his new peanut butter chapstick!

Behind Enemy Lines: Louisville AT Rutgers

7:20 PM - Tuesday, February 22nd

So I'm Rutgers' campus an hour before the game and I have no idea where I'm walking to. So far I'm just following about 20 paces behind a young girl that looks like she's basketball bound...

8:20 PM

Bought a $35 ticket. My seat isn't terrible, but I suspect I'd be better off scalping a ticket next time. If I had any semblance of where I was and who I was giving money to. The RAC is really an old school gym, and its kind of small.

I don't see Pitino or Swopshire, but I see all the other familiar faces.

All the Rutgers fans were patient and polite directing me to my seat. Opted to not wear my UofL gear. Don't think results would have been much different, though.

I got a free Rutgers foam finger. Novelty freebie acquired!

So far so good.

10:00 PM

First half wrap-up:

There was only one point at which this crowd was loud and in support of their team. That was during the opening minute. Since then the only time they've been loud was in groaning when the Rutgers team turned over the ball (this happened often). The fans groaning was almost as loud as their cheering.

I don't understand why Rakeem Buckles is starting for Louisville. Since coming back from his injury, he has contributed negatively to this team. It really seems like the game goes 4-on-5, or even 4-on-6 depending on how many turnovers Buckles contributes. I get Pitino trying to get him back to pre-injury shape, but he has a lot more faith in the young man than I do.

The student section contributes to the majority of the noise generated here in the RAC. And they get it loud quickly. Unfortunately for them, they don't stay consistently engaged. To that point, the entire student section was about as mature and engaged as you would expect of New Jersey fans of a basketball team with a losing record. The opening taunt was to shout "SUCKS!" after each UofL starter's name was announced. The only other taunt they got going was to shout "YOU ARE UGLY" at Chris Smith whenever he went to shoot foul shots. I don't know how or why they settled on him to be their target. He's from NYC. Maybe there's a connection there. The student section itself was about as big as UofL's at home (which speaks to how poorly the Louisville students are regarded), which is about twice as big as Shelby County High School's student section. But, credit where credit is due, whether it was because of the low ceiling or the small capacity of the gym, the student section was able to make a lot of noise on both occasions.

The fans made noise two other times during the game. Once in the second half when Rutgers was making a run. The other time was when Preston Knowles missed a free throw. They actually cheered "Yay!" Not "yeah" or "awesome." "Yay," like a little girl. It made me chuckle.

I hinted at it earlier, but the crowd made more noise groaning or complaining about their team's play than they did cheering or taunting. People were booing in the first half when foul shots were missed. That never bodes well. And the one heckler I heard all night started within the first 6 minutes of gameplay, and 90% of his heckles were against Rutgers. This guy was a real piece of work. The other 10% of his heckles were 1% in the last 5 minutes of gameplay against Pitino ("where's your girlfriend?") and 9% heckles against the Special Olympics youth basketball team that played at halftime ("Dunk it, retard!" / "I thought this was basketball, not kickball!" / "Traveling!" / "Shoot the three!"). I think it might be the most disgusting, most distasteful thing I've ever witnessed at a sporting event: heckling Special Olympics players. He also shouted lewd things at the dance team. Class act. What was comforting was that he was making everyone in attendance grimmace, and I feel confident in saying that not all Rutgers fans were like him. In fact, he stood alone. The Rutgers fans were, for the most part, very tasteful.

A Tale of Two College Gamedays

I'm having a problem with the ESPN college basketball announcers this year. I actually enjoy Bob Knight, but not as the color commentator. He has an extremely dry sense of humor, but he's not outrageous. He actually usually sticks with X's and O's, and that's ok with me.

The entire program has taken on a silly atmosphere that is uncharacteristic for the talent, and it does not play to their talents. This is the clip that really ruined it for me this year.

Jay Bilas' talent comes from being cerebral and smart and 95% without BS. His strength as a commentator has always been his strait-to-the-point, relatively-unbiased presentation of a basketball game. Someone got in his ear and told him to be more like a clown. "Be more like Dick Vitale." But that is the opposite of who Jay Bilas should be. He should be the guy that deconstructs the Dick Vitales and the Digger Phelpses of ESPN, because when he does it is a thing of beauty. When he tries to be funny, its like watching a tone deaf ugly girl try to impress people. You kind of feel bad, but at the same time a little pissed off.

Digger is garbage. He's a color commentator that is way too liberal with the color, and none of his colors are coordinated (unlike his tie and highlighter...oh what an outrageous, fun tradition!)(sarcasm).

And College Gameday is trying something I've not seen before for basketball, and I think its a change for the worse. In the past, Jay Bilas has been really entertaining at researching scouting reports and being the brains of the show and usually whatever game he's calling. He's been a great strait man. Occasionally, when paired with a veteran announcer, he took the color commentary roll, and it was great, because it wasn't that colorful. If you paired Bilas with a veteran announcer it was perfect. A mix that worked well without being biased, like Brent Musberger and Kirk Herbstreit (the ABC Saturday night College game of the night).

Hubert Davis has been a decent host of College Gameday, half-color commentator, half-strait man.

And Rece Davis used to be the Chris Fowler of the show. A strait man with a resonating voice that anchored everything back to reality. But the Davis boys are starting to let the show get away from them. Digger is the idiotic color commentator. Rece and Hubert should be more anchored. Don't join his ranks. Don't go down that path, please.

But something is changing within the show. It seems like a producer asked them to emulate the success of College Gameday for football. Now all four of the guys are always cutting up. I can entertain some Lee Corso - Digger Phelps comparisons, but its a stretch. On college Gameday for football, the other four hosts look at Lee like he's crazy 30% of the time, but the other 70% they're paying attention to what he has to say. There's a sense of reverence for Lee Corso. Yes, he has goofy habits like "NOT SO FAST!" and putting on a mascot's head, but at least he's not talking with a huge bias like Lou Holtz (is it a coincidence that ESPN recruits aged Notre Dame coaches to be color commentators?). On Gameday for Basketball, nobody really takes Digger seriously.

The poor guy just can't wrap his head around modernity. Everything in his basketball IQ is at least two decades old. When Louisville was down by 3 to Georgetown, he couldn't understand why more coaches don't have their players heave the ball past half-court for a catch-and-shoot like Christian Laettner in 1992 (19 years ago) in the infamous Duke/UK game NCAA tournament regional game. "Why more coaches don't call that play is beyond me!" Its beyond you because it is not a wildly successful play. First, before you ask why no coach has called one of your favorite plays, take a moment to consider why they wouldn't call that play. Could it be because that was a miracle shot that wasn't successful before or after Laettner pulled it off? That would be the logical conclusion: it is not a high-percentage scoring opportunity. You would think that as an ex-coach, you would know what plays are safe, and which plays are wildly retarded (or....not). Also, as a supposed "expert" commentator, you should never admit that anything is "beyond you." EVERYTHING should be within your grasp. You're an expert. You can say you disagree with a play. That's cool.

Hubert Davis in the past has been a very comparable performer to Desmond Howard. They both cut up more than they should. They can both pull off the knowledgeable athlete that hasn't been away from the game for too long. But a couple weekends ago, when talking about Roy Williams popping off at callers on his radio show, Hubert Davis actually refused to talk about the subject. When posed with the question, he asked "Why are we even talking about this?" and stomped his feet and wouldn't comment further. Look, the producers and writers of the show come up with topics that they want their performers to comment on. He tried to flip the game on what was an otherwise interesting question. And when Rece, Jay, or Digger started to comment, he would butt in asking why they felt the need to comment. He was acting like a spoiled little kid. Desmond Howard at least recognizes a) where his paycheck comes from and b) how to engage in conversation even if he doesn't enjoy where someone's opinion comes from.

Jay Bilas is being changed, and that's a bad thing. Rece Davis is being changed, and that's a bad thing, too. Rece Davis now encourages the rest of the crew to say batshit nutty things. He tries to bring out the goofy in Jay Bilas, and Jay Bilas goofy is not entertaining. Where Chris Fowler anchors the show with occasional, subtle goading, Rece Davis brings up Digger's dance way too often. He tries to get Jay Bilas to fake barf into a trashcan. He wants to bring out the nasty, ultra-red-state out of Bobby Knight. And I have to assume someone behind the scenes is asking him to make this stretch. Rece Davis shouldn't be an active member of the color commentary. He should be the host. He should be a non-objective participant, like the narrator of a play. It doesn't suit him to act like a teenaged kid trying to start shit. He's "the voice," both the voice of reason and the golden voice. He shouldn't be the voice of your obnoxious step brother that's 3 months younger than you, but 6 inches taller, and always starting crap.

The environment on College Gameday for football obviously is the model that ESPN is going after for College Gameday for basketball. But things need to be tweaked. The performers can do it, but its like they're being pushed way too hard. Part of me feels bad for them, and the other part of me wishes the crew on the Big Ten Network could take over national basketball operations, because they balance their color and their strait very well.

If ESPN had any sense, they'd get Gus Johnson as their premier color commentator. That's a guy that can get excited for any team without losing himself in bias. The guy is both smart and exciting. And the strait commentators they pair him with always compliment him well. Gus Johnson is the Worcestershire sauce of commentators.

Learning to Cope With Weather in the Northeast Pt 2

NOTE: I wrote this, drunkenly, last week when I was having a rough night.

Between the time the UofL game ended and now another 4 inches of snow fell, and it looks like its not going to stop any time soon.

Stupidly, I made a cup of coffee....Irish coffee as a cocktail while the guys played Starcraft tonight. I think its keeping me up. I'm not tired at all.

So, being starkly awake and watching the snow, and wondering if I'm going to be able to drive tomorrow I had the realization that snow would make good cocktails. So I have been walking to my back steps and gathering snow, handfulls at a time, and making bourbon cocktails out of it. So far the snowy old fashioneds have been delicious.

If I'm not able to get out tomorrow, I will have lost 2 days this week to snow. And I don't know if I'll be able to get stuff done like I got stuff done today. I have almost exhausted my office work. I might do my taxes. I might just sit and watch movies/play video games all day.

I have plenty of food. Plenty of bread. Plenty of bourbon. I'm running low on milk, and I ran out cereal today, but that's ok. I have plenty of breakfast supplies. The only thing I really need milk for is more Irish coffee or if I make cookies, and I don't think I'll be doing either between now and Friday.

For what its worth, snow makes for really fun cocktails. You make a cocktail like normal, but instead of ice you use a couple handfulls of snow. The snow half-way melts and makes a better slushy that you'd ever get out of an actual slushy machine or a blender.




The next day I had this update

I lost track of how many snow bourbons I had last night. I am hung over this morning.
I'm declaring another office day.
Or maybe just a sick day.
I love my job.

I made cocktails and then dipped snowballs into the glass. The snow dissolved and made more of a slushy than anything else. It was delicious and....unfortunately...numerous.

Learning to Cope With Weather in the Northeast

The wintry tundra storm has missed my part of NJ for the most part. There hasn't been much snow accumulation at all, but we do have a thick shell of ice on top of everything. Last night I was walking the trash to the dumpster, and it literally felt like I was walking on eggshells. And this morning it was sleeting and blowing against my bedroom windows. I woke up, and it sounded oddly like I was in an aquarium.

Its always a weird way to start the day when you wake up without your glasses on thinking you're in an aquarium.

I understand Kentucky is getting a lot of rain? That's nasty.

Allentown, Pennsylvania got a lot of ice, too, and very little snow. This is only relevant to me because I'm flying out of there on Friday. Correction: I'm supposed to be flying out of there on Friday morning. Right now all of their Wednesday flights are canceled, but Thursday and Friday flights look unaffected.

I have a plan, though, if my flight gets canceled and I can't make it to Florida for my birthday.

The snow plows that scrape the apartment complex's parking lot always push the snow to one end of the lot. All of the kids that live in the complex climb this huge snow hill and sled down it. I was looking at it last night after thinking how much more fun it would be if the kids didn't have to slip and fall every time they tried to climb it. So if I'm stuck in New Jersey on Saturday, I'm going to take some tools and carve steps into the snow/ice so the kids can climb it easier. Then I will spend the rest of the day drinking and listening to the laughter.

Another obnoxious thing about the weather and my job.

On a regular day of sales calls, I never have to be on the road before 10. And if the weather's bad, that is an impetus for me to hit the road even later, because usually the bad weather clears as the morning changes into afternoon. If its icy or snowy, by noon the roads are all clear and drivers aren't puttering around quite as slow.

But for anyone with a job that requires them to be in by 8 or 9, its a different story. Because there's snow/ice/snice on their cars, they get up even earlier in the event of bad weather so they can scrape their cars, shovel their steps, and cause lots of noise. And because they're in New Jersey, and the thing to do here is not have an inside voice, the people yell from their cars to their children or their partners.

"BEN! GET IN THE CAR! THE CAR IS WARM! I SCRAPED THE WINDHSIELD! HURRY UP!"

So what should mean extra sleep time for Paul actually means earlier wake up time, usually to a sound that wakes me out of a dream and sends me into a weird panic. "What's that grinding sound?! Why are people yelling?! Where am I?! Why can't I see?!"

The answers are: shoveling/scraping, people don't have inside voices, New Jersey, I'm not wearing my glasses.

The bonerface that plows my apartment complex's parking lot did this to my car last week:

GOBBLE GOBBLE - Wrinklecarver

Django Django WOR

A Perfect Portrait of New York City In Three Minutes

NYC - Mindrelic Timelapse from Mindrelic on Vimeo.

A Baby Girl

Holy crap. Matt and Danielle are having a girl. "Freaked out." I think that's a good way of describing it. I was freaked out when I heard they were having a boy two years ago. Maybe "freaked out" isn't the right term now. For the past six years (at least) I've considered Danielle the consummate wife/mother. From the time we had that serious discussion in her car that she was going to marry my friend Matt, Danielle got put into a completely different box. After that stomach-flipping discussion I started to see things about Danielle that I hadn't noticed before. Namely I took note of this wife/mother/person. She transcended her "Matt's girlfriend" box.

So when they were getting married, I was excited. Initially freaked out, but excited. When they announced that there was a baby on the way I felt the same way. Essentially, I don't think there's anything Danielle cannot handle. I imagine her taking on all challengers. And a baby boy seemed like a natural fit for both Matt and Danielle.

To be perfectly honest, everything has seemed like a perfect fit for those two. They compliment each other so extremely well. Marriage? Great fit. They were ready for it. First house? No problem. They' nesting and making a picture-perfect home. Child? Harrison couldn't be a better reflection of who those two are.

But now a daughter.

Its my own fault for growing up vicariously through the antics of the Wades. Without doubt, they're two of my best friends, but they've always been in a different orbit, an orbit of my own design that separates me from their grown-up life. So its not my place at all to be anxious about raising a young girl. After all, its not my girl then, is it? But...holy crap. A girl. A baby girl that will turn into a teenage girl. Good gracious.

I have heard stories about my father getting a case of SUPER-anxiety when mom went into labor with me. I suppose its natural for fathers. I mean, its not as if us men don't have nine months to prepare ourselves, but Jesus, what a gut check! And if having a kid wouldn't be enough of a gut-check for me, the thought of caring for and nurturing a girl....A GIRL?!

So I freaked out. I freaked out on behalf of Matt and Danielle. Someone has to do it. They're not going to. They're going to be preoccupied with the actual real life, responsible part of it. So I will continue to monitor and observe from my other orbit. And I'll freak out on their behalf. I'll grow up vicariously through them. They can witness my agitation and anxiety, experiencing it vicariously through me.

The Most NSFW Music Videos of 2010

I'm stealing this post from Stereogum, mostly because I'm really fond of these songs. Its just coincidence that they feature nudity. And nudity never hurt a blog. Stereogum has a longer list of videos, but those songs that I excluded I just didn't like. I can't say I particularly enjoy the HEALTH song, either, but I include it because Mike had sent it out last summer in an e-mail, and we all marveled at how disturbing it was.

Leather Hands – “Vertical Lines” (Dir. Miles Flanagan)


Big Freedia – “Azz Everywhere” (Dir. Jordan Kinley)


El Guincho – “Bombay” (Dir. Nicolás Méndez-CANADA)

EL GUINCHO | Bombay from MGdM | Marc Gómez del Moral on Vimeo.

UNKLE – “Follow Me Down” (Dir. Warren du Preez and Nick Thornton Jones)


Grinderman – “Heathen Child” (Dir. John Hillcoat)

Grinderman 'Heathen Child' from Trim Editing on Vimeo.

HEALTH – “We Are Water” (Dir. Eric Wareheim)


Die Antwoord – “Evil Boy” (Dir. Rob Malpage)


Klaxons – “Twin Flames” (Dir. Saam Farahmand)

Klaxons - Twin Flames NSFW from BlindPig on Vimeo.